7 lessons from letting go

We have all kinds of excuses for holding onto what hurts us. Millions of reasons why this is the only way. Examples why we have no choice but to do it this way. Justifications galore for clutching tight, even though the sharp edges cut into our grasping hands.

Maybe it is a good thing gone sour.

Maybe it is something you ‘should’ do.

Maybe it was perfect……. once.

Maybe you were just trying to do the right thing. And the text books are wrong this time.

Maybe you don’t know any other way.

Maybe you are scared of the devil you don’t know.

Maybe you are afraid because you don’t know what comes next.

Maybe you want to hold onto your victimhood.

Maybe it serves someone else – someone you love.

Maybe you are afraid of being judged.

Maybe you can’t bring yourself to face the truth.

We all need help, coaxing and support to get past our doubts. Some fears, despite the hype, are more than tissue paper-thin. I know the taste of tears of defeat. I know how it feels to surrender the thing that no longer works. I know the pain you are accustomed to feels better than the empty throb of loss. But it is a life lesson to recognise when to let go.

7 lessons I learned from letting go:

1. So many friends show up when you stop making love to enemies ( a Marianne Williamson quote that is so very true)
2. It hurts a lot at first to turn it loose. Then the pain eases. The pain is just the numbness subsiding.
3. You deserve comfort, dignity and peace. Life will never be rainbows and lollipops, so avoid the unnecessary pain.
4. Pain shows us where the lesson is. And where the chapter ends.
5. There is nothing weak about walking away when you need to. Many people don’t have the strength to do exactly that.
6. Nobody likes a martyr.
7. Admitting it hurts doesn’t make the ‘other’ bad or wrong.

What have you learned from letting go?

Failure

One of the feelings that I hate is failure. I don’t think I am alone here. Nobody wants to feel as though they failed. My distaste for the feeling has another level to it though. My every failure is somehow turbo-charged. I feel like a failure for feeling the emotion failure.

You see I should know better. I know that there is no such thing as failure.

So not only do I feel crap for not succeeding, I feel even worse for feeling that way. Because, drum roll please, failure doesn’t exist, everything is simply feedback. Feedback to show you how prepared (or not) you were, how skilled (or not) you are, how on track (or not) you are, how well (or not so well) you handled the situation. Failure is asking you to honestly re-evaluate the situation, to debrief and to consciously learn the lesson.

Call me lazy, but sometimes I just don’t have the fortitude to do it. It is so hard to look the feeling of failure in the face and consider it logically. It is harder still to identify my misconceptions, re-arrange the plan that got me here and decide on a new course. But you know what? When I have the courage, and can dredge up enough emotional energy to do it, things get better – FAST. The added bonus is that lessons learned via an uncomfortable feeling, like say failure, tend to stick with us so we make the mistake fewer times before really getting it.

I have had a roll of ‘epic failures’ the past 6 months, possibly more than ever before. I have been getting feedback left right and centre telling me I was off course, I was ignoring my intuition and that I had my priorities way out of whack. But I hadn’t stopped to debrief until this weekend. I was too busy, too run down, too unsupported  too [insert excuse here] to look at what was going on, and so I kept ‘failing’.

The lesson I have been afraid of facing is that I am not paying enough attention to my intuition. I have been feeling dread and doing it anyway, I have put others needs before mine and my babies, I have taken what others say as gospel and ignored my own feelings, I have supported my partner without question. Each time the feedback was clear; dreaded feelings and crappy results flashing like the proverbial neon sign telling me to listen to my inner voice.

Lesson: Listen closely to your so-called failures. Heed what they are telling you. There is nothing worse than waking up and realising that you have lived a shitty groundhog day every day for 6 months.

5 reasons why the loving answer isn’t always yes.

Are you a ‘yes person’? Do you find it difficult to say ‘no’, to assert your needs, to negotiate for what you want or to stand up for yourself? Are your boundaries all wrong, so they allow other peoples needs to be prioritised over your own?

If you are saying yes to all of these, or even some of these, my guess is that you are also very compassionate, nurturing and have a high emotional IQ. You are so focused on doing what is best for everybody and supporting those you love that you have forgotten single most important rule in giving of yourself; The loving answer isn’t always yes.

Sometimes the loving answer is:

• No.
• Do you think it could wait a while?
• Could you do it yourself?
• What support do you need to enable you to do that?
• I’m sorry, but I can’t.
• No thank you.
• Are you kidding?
• I know someone who could help you with that, their name is …
• That won’t work for me could we do this instead?
• I’m sorry but I have changed my mind/circumstances have changed.

The above alternatives to ‘Yes’ can sound like cop-outs or overly polite responses, but they aren’t. It actually takes far more courage to say ‘No’ sometimes than it does to say ‘Yes’.

Here are 5 reasons why yes isn’t always the loving answer:

1. You disempower the other by doing something for them when they could do it themselves.
2. You disrespect yourself when you don’t enforce healthy boundaries.
3. If you always say ‘Yes’, you will eventually run out of the energy to say yes when you are really needed.
4. It is far better to teach another a new skill or support them in a transition than to encourage  co-dependency.
5. If you are saying ‘Yes’ out of habit and not genuine compassion, it undermines the act of giving itself.

Next time you are asked for help, carefully consider the question before you routinely respond with your usual ‘of course I can’. Remember the loving answer isn’t always yes. And sometimes the odd expletive is more than acceptable

5 reason to wisely choose your friends (the power of Osmosis)

Balance is the natural state of the universe. Things have a way of working themselves out in the end. Things flow from high to low until both are equal. If we try to work against the flow we might succeed… for a while. And then we fail.

The 5 people you spend the most time with are the most influential in your life. Their personality, habits and preferences bleed into yours. So you had best choose wisely who you spend your time with. These people flavour your world.

You don’t believe how influential these people are? Try these on for size:

1. Ask a smoker why they took up the habit and who gave them their first drag
2. Ask a star student who they study with
3. Watch the way the presence of a baby changes the speech of its family and friends
4. Ask an ex-junkie who they spend time with now that they are clean
5. Ask an outdoor type how many couch potatoes they hang out with

5 way to tell a goal from an ego trip

Goals are so very chic right now. It is normal to be working overtime, freelancing or consulting on top of your 9 to 5 gig. It is more and more common for people to own their own businesses or to be undertaking graduate study whilst working ‘full time’. These things are almost not considered a goal anymore. They are just what you do. Goals are what we do on top of these miraculous feats.

But more often than not goals are somewhat random end states that we consciously nominate, based on who we think we are at that time and who we think we want to be. Which in and of itself shouldn’t be a bad thing, right? Maybe. The catch is that most often we really don’t know what we want. We have a good idea of things that might make us happy. We know what would make our families proud. We know what would make our colleagues jealous. We know what we are interested in. So we make a guesstimate, at best, call it a goal and flog ourselves until we reach it. Not sounding quite so glamorous now is it?

I am not against goals. I am a coach. I spend a lot of time helping others to set goals.I also spend a lot of time looking into a person’s unconscious motivation, secondary gains, values, experiences, beliefs, fears and ego before I help them set a goal. Why? Why don’t I just write down the first goal that comes to their mind? Or the biggest goal they can think of? Or prescribe the most enviable, ostentatious goal applicable?

Because anybody can set a big goal and achieve it.

There is nothing special about big goals. Anybody can set the goal of working for themselves and achieve it. Anybody can set a goal of buying a luxury car. Anybody can travel around Europe. Anybody can plan a beautiful wedding. Anybody can get their body into shape. Very few can achieve a goal based solely in the ego and feel satisfied and happy at the end.

On the other hand very few people have the guts and humility to set a goal that has real and deep meaning for them and to work on that regardless of how it is perceived from the outside. Very few have the willingness to admit that really makes their heart flutter and to set about achieving it. So few are prepared to chase their dharma especially if it is something unglamorous like becoming a green keeper, raising children or nursing.

The easy ways to know your goal is not just serving your ego:

1. Are you drawn to it like a moth to a flame?
2. Are the steps towards your goal enjoyable?
3. Do you find your weaknesses become strengths in the face of this goal?
4. Do you find it hard to articulate why you want the goal, because it is just so elemental to your make up?
5. Do you feel as though the stars are aligned & that the road to your goal has been blessed?

We don’t know who we will be in 5 years. We don’t know what we will regret later in life. We don’t know what we will be proud of at 75. We don’t know if we will enjoy something until we do it. Our experience is so very limited and we don’t know what we don’t know. We can’t trust our ego on these matters. We can trust our heart.

Know the goal posts

Ask the question. Know the goal posts. It’s not just wise in business it’s essential for harmonious personal relationships to set boundaries, guidelines, to be clear on what is expected.

How do you know your relationship is healthy? How do you know your friend is living up to their role? How do you know you are delivering at work? How do you know what you can expect from family? Where does the obligation start and stop? How far are you ‘supposed’ to go? According to whom? Who drew these arbitrary lines?

Know what you need. Ask for what you want. Be clear on your deal breakers and enforce your boundaries. If you don’t know what the goal posts are, you will always be disappointed.

I’m wrong… a lot

My near and dear just died from shock at that title. If you ask those who know me well personally, they will tell you that one of my least favourite things is ‘being wrong’. In fact, few of them have ever witnessed me admit an error or mistake. But, despite my utter distaste for the experience, I am wrong… a lot. We all are.

• When I walk in a room I am sure everybody is noticing the flaws in my figure… I’m wrong
• When I think I can’t take it any more… I’m wrong
• When I think people care about when the last time I mopped the floor was… I’m wrong
• When I think I have nothing intelligent to say… I’m wrong
• When I think I simply must do everything… I’m wrong
• When I think the world will stop turning if I take a break, put my feet up and have a cup of tea… I’m wrong
• When I think feeding people will cure their ills… I’m wrong (but at least they are fed)
• When I think it matters if my son’s shirt matches his pants… I’m wrong
• When I think I have remembered everything… I’m wrong
• When I think I can be calm when we get lost en route to a new destination… I’m wrong
• When I think I can please everybody… I’m wrong
• When I think no one is listening… I’m wrong
• When I think I understand… I’m wrong
• When I think there are enough hours in a day (I am writing this at 12.01am)… I’m wrong
• When I am convinced I am not good enough… I’m wrong
• When I think raising my voice helps… I’m wrong
• When I think I suck at learning languages… I’m wrong
• When I think something is more important than responding to a call for “Mumee!”… I’m wrong
• When I think change is an external process… I’m wrong
• When I think I don’t have time to meditate… I’m wrong
• When I think I should feel guilty for eating chocolate… I’m wrong. Very wrong.

Care to share what you are wrong about?

The fallacy of ‘friend’ and ‘enemy’

The words ‘friend’ and ‘enemy’ are very emotive. They rouse such strong emotional responses from us. We think there is a method in our deciding in which category people ‘fit’ into, we think we are clear on what the words mean to us. Nope, sorry, I bet you’re wrong. Allow me to demonstrate.

Call to mind an ‘enemy’. What makes you categorise them that way? Did they hurt you, ignore you, hurt your loved one, do something unscrupulous?

Call to mind a ‘friend’. Think of why you call them ‘friend’. Have they supported you, been kind to you, shared your life with you, advised you well, shown you compassion?

Call to mind someone who fits neither of these categories, someone you are ‘indifferent’ to. Why are you indifferent to them? Have they faded from your life, do they live far away, have you lost touch with them?

Now, just to screw with your mind;

Call to mind your ‘enemy’. Can you recall a time that they were supportive, kind, compassionate or in any other way a ‘friend’ to you?

Call to mind your ‘friend’. Can you recall a time that they hurt or ignored you or a time when they were unscrupulous or in any other way acted as your ‘enemy’?

Call to mind the person to whom you are now indifferent. Can you recall a time when they were either a ‘friend’ or ‘enemy’ to you?

Each of us fall into the category of ‘friend’, ‘enemy’ & ‘indifferent’. Each of us are selfish. Everybody does the best they can with what they have. Every body unintentionally, and intentionally, hurts others. Each of us are capable of life-changing kindness and compassion. Each of us chooses our ‘friends’ and ‘enemies in the same arbitrary nature with which we chose teams in the school yard.

Perhaps if all focused less on the boxes we have put people in we would live in a more compassionate, understanding, kind world. What do you think?

Being ‘in the moment’; a magic wand or a carrot?

There is much to be said for, and indeed much said about, being in the moment. Being in the moment is so elusive that many assume that achieving such awareness will be the magic wand to their problems. Sadly not.

Being in the moment affords us the opportunity to:

• observe what is happening around us
• tune into our emotions
• be aware of our needs
• release our fears and hopes
• act without the influence of our neuroses

In essence being in the moment gives us clarity and freedom but it doesn’t change the moment. There will always be:

• competing priorities
• infinite options
• unfortunate situations
• unknown factors
• things we can’t control

Being in the moment just gives us a chance to see these things as they really are, free from our neuroses and the stories we tell ourselves about how it ‘should be’, what ‘they expect’ and what we ‘ought to do’ if only we were ‘good enough’. Being in the moment allows us to deal with what is in front of us as opposed to what is swimming around in our heads.

Finally being fully aware of the moment without the skills to mindfully act in the moment is like turning up to a gun fight with a carrot. Being in the moment is one aspect of a healthy psyche, but only one and  in the end all roads lead to Rome.

How to know what is an illusion

So much of what you ‘lurve’ every day is smoke. It is fantastical and transitory and ungrounded and illusionary. The certainty you love; imaginary. The coffee you would be useless without; replaceable. The colleagues you laugh with daily; largely unimportant. The email signature that denotes your place in the world of business; temporary. Your Facebook friends; frauds and your Twitter followers; strangers.

You aren’t alone in this predicament. In fact this predicament is overloaded with people so ‘connected’ to our networks that we broadcast what we eat for lunch, and yet so disconnected that we  would be lucky to have 10 people to really rely on when the shit hits the fan.

We are so dedicated to the worship of technology and networking that we have forgotten that when it comes down to the wire they are as useful as a maxed out credit card. What is real are connections of the heart. Our families, our passions, our friends, our legacies.

We are all different, yes, but we are all human. As humans we need connection, support, love, touch, nourishment. Below is my litmus test. Only what passes the test deserve my ‘lurve’, attention and dedication all else is to be taken lightly.

The friendship is illusionary if:

• you don’t call to say ‘Happy Birthday’, but send them a Facebook message only instead
• you have never held their hand  in celebration or commiseration
• you don’t share with them when your grandmother gets Alzheimer’s or you’re facing depression
• you wouldn’t fly across the country to visit them at a moment’s notice if they needed you
• you couldn’t ask them to dislodge a stuck diaphragm or drive you to a feared Doctor appointment
• you wouldn’t invite them to your wedding

An illusion is:

• something that isn’t true all the time
• something fickle or transitory
• something wouldn’t take with you to the proverbial desert island
• something based in what others think of you and not in who you are
• something that would be dwarfed by terrible news

How do you tell the difference? What is your litmus test?

Reasons

Why do you act the way you do? Have you ever asked yourself the same thing after you snapped at someone, bit your tongue when you should have spoken up or told a white lie for no apparent reason?

Why do we over-react? Why do we take it too far? Why do we buy into our own crap? How do we justify our worst behaviour? Moreover, do you have someone in your life that is toxic or selfish whose behaviour you just can’t get your head around?

We may all act and react differently, but we all use the same framework. Everything you say, do or think is based on 3 simple ingredients; Your intentions, your perceptions and your resources.

1. Intentions – You act to achieve that you want or to avoid what you don’t want. Your intentions are influenced by your goals, needs, values, dreams, desires.
2. Perceptions – The way you view the world. The stories you make up about what other people think of you and expect from you. The way you view yourself; your weaknesses and strengths. Your past experiences that have taught you what to expect from the world.
3. Resources – The time, money and energy you have at your disposal. The mental tenacity, the hope, the self belief you have. The physical tools you have access to. The networks you can tap into. The ways and means you have of getting what you want and need.

Nobody does something they know to be a bad idea unless they believe (perceive) they don’t have any other option (not enough resources) to get what they want (intention). So the simplest way to avoid making dubious decisions is to understand, and tweak, the basis of your decision making. There is always more than one way to skin a cat.