Self Awareness « The Highwire

Posts Tagged ‘Self Awareness’

Lets talk about masturbation

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

The formative teenage years for an average girl involves slumber parties. Lots of slumber parties. Slumber parties consist of junk food, secret-girls-business and truth and dare.

I never performed a dare in truth and dare. Ever. There was no need and no point. My face is incapable of hiding strong emotion, and I always considered myself an open book. I chose ‘truth’ every time, and I told to truth too. I answered every question faithfully bar one, which was invariably delivered with an embarrassed blush and giggle; “Have you ever masturbated?”

‘No. Unequivocally, absolutely not!’ Would be my response, except in teenage language, which would probably sound more like ‘Yeah sure! Like I would do that – it’s gross!’ Because it was acceptable to steal alcohol from your parents, spread rumours at school, have sex, smoke pot or have a crush on your friends brother, but definitely not ok to touch yourself.

We had all suffered through ‘the talk’ with our mothers and sex education at school. ‘Sex education’ would probably best be re-named harm-minimisation for sexual trauma and dysfunction for all of the warnings and fear-mongering that goes on. We learned exclusively of the risks and negative outcomes/aspects of sex; teenage pregnancy, STIs, rape, regret. Dolly doctor clearly explained things like discomfort during first time sex and feelings of inadequacy during intercourse. So all in all sex in our minds was devoid of pleasure though we were convinced that it would get better.

Pleasure or no, sex was still high on the ‘to-do’ list. It was a mark or maturity, status, fearlessness. We wanted to ‘get it over with’ since we all agreed it was ‘backwards’ to wait until we were married to lose our virginities.

In the end our initial sexual experiences were everything Dolly doctor and out sex-ed teachers had attempted to prevent. A number of studies have shown why; We were never taught about pleasure, sexual curiosity, foreplay, erotica. No body encouraged us to masturbate it was seen as dirty and slutty, where as male masturbation was seen as normal. The tiny proportion of girls who were initiated into the positive aspects of their sexuality are more likely to have safe sex and enjoy the experience, as opposed to the other 75% who felt pressured or rushed into physical intimacy.

As we matured into adult women with healthy sex lives masturbation is more acceptable, as is erotica. Yet is it still more widely acceptable for men to masturbate than women. And certainly it is still taboo for young women to touch themselves.

With further studies showing that for the most part teenagers use contraception as faithfully as adults and have sex most often in loving relationships, why are we still teaching our young women about the dangers to the exclusion of the pleasures. Wouldn’t we as women (mothers, mentors, aunties, big sisters, friends) do well to teach our teenage sisters the power of their bodies, its capacity for pleasure and that their desire is healthy? It certainly would have changed my life.

Tags: Desire, Self Awareness, Sexuality, Womanhood, Youth
Posted in Body Image, Femininity, The unspoken, Womanhood | No Comments »

The laundry list of unspoken topics

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

By nature these experiences fly in the face of the accepted bounds of womanhood. They aren’t expected of the innocent maiden, the loving wife or the nurturing mother. And let’s face it, society at large still has some difficulty dealing with femininity outside of those roles. These experiences have often been ascribed to the ‘undesirable’ facets of womanhood; the unmarried, the lecherous, the wild and the mysteries of our reproductive organs. In reality making these experiences taboo or unspoken is destructive, riddling our female psyche with guilt, shame, inadequacy and fear.

So in the interest of catharsis, inspired by a few honest and relieving conversations recently with my girlfriends, here are some experiences I think belong in a guide-book for women;

Foreplay isn’t optional.
Masturbation isn’t wrong. Getting to know what feels good is incredibly important.
Using a vibrator too often can actually desensitise you to orgasm with a real penis.
Watching porn isn’t just for guys. Well maybe porn is, erotica isn’t.
Despite the foreplay and knowing what feels good, sometimes your juices simply wont flow. And that’s ok.
You may hate your period, but trust me you will miss it when it is gone.
Breasts can leak. And not only when you are pregnant or breastfeeding.
Rape is never, ever your fault.
Your body and emotions are intricately linked. Emotions (and the hormones they release) change your skin, hair, breasts, vagina and more.
Many women get very amorous during their period.
Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you aren’t attracted to people other than your partner.
As wild as your youth is, you probably wont regret it as you get older.
Women have a ‘hens’ or ‘bachelotette’ party for a reason; it is scary to think of farewelling your singledom and loving only one person forever more.
It takes work to keep the fire alive in a long-term relationship.
Labour can be a sensual experience, some woman reach orgasm giving birth.
Labour involves blood, a number of people looking closely at and physically inspecting your vagina.
Motherhood doesn’t automatically bestow infinite patience.
Bonding isn’t instant. It is a process. Postnatal depression isn’t a choice or your fault.
Breastfeeding isn’t always easy and bottle-feeding isn’t wrong.
Breastfeeding in public is simply feeding a child. Nothing more, nothing less.
Sometime mothers resent, dislike and tire of their children.
Sometimes mothers love one child more than the other/s.
It isn’t easy to consistently put the needs of a child before your own. At times it is soul crushing and gut wrenching.
Peri-menopause typically lasts 7 to 10 years. So can post-menopause. It can be a 15 year ride ladies!
Menopause is supposedly the single day where you haven’t had a period of 12 months. Sometimes your cycle will resume even after a break of more than a year.
Menopause can actually cause ’shrinkage’ of the vulvar and vagina, which can lead to painful sex.
The first thing the Dr will ask you when you go to see them about menopause is “tell me about your mother’s experience…” So… go talk to your Mum!
After Menopause your vagina is considered a ‘use it or lose it’ situation. Sex increases blood flow to the area and keeps your vagina healthy, and boots your immune system.

So what have I forgotten? What do you wish was talked about before you discovered it the hard way?? I would love to hear your experience.

Tags: Challenge, Emotions, Family, Motherhood, Observations, Self Awareness, Womanhood
Posted in Femininity, Grace, Life, Motherhood, Personal Development, Relationships, The unspoken, Womanhood | 4 Comments »

Unspoken

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

There are a number of things that we, as women, were never really told. The list of things we don’t discuss is longer still. Some relatively universal experiences (that could easily be compiled into a handbook if you are looking for a business idea) are thrust upon us without so much as a warning. Worse still is that there is no clear lifeline to help us understand what we experienced or how we feel. Any woman over 15 knows, to some degree, what I am talking about. Every woman struggles with some aspect of her womanly experience until she is about to burst and finally confides in a girlfriend, who opposed to being outraged, relates to her experience with great relief.

This phenomena is all around us for one reason. Nobody is talking about the things that actually affect women on a daily basis.

We discuss paid maternity leave (which I support by the way) as though it will, upon implementation, magically make motherhood valued in society. We discuss equal pay in the workforce as though a woman in her child bearing years is hired as easily as a fertile man. We discuss the new models of marriage, where the man knows how to turn on the vacuum, as though such changes magically help us deal with the daily grind of partnership. They don’t. They won’t. And for the most part these grand ideals and overarching themes don’t effect us nearly as much as knowing how to have a proper discussion with your partner about money. Or sex.

On the subject of sex, why is it that once taboo sexual practices such as spanking (which rests firmly under the banner of BDSM by the way), are considered appropriate fodder for radio add campaigns, when taboos covering femininity are still firmly in place?

I for one am sick of bitching about it to my partner and friends. I am irreverent, but my heart is true and my skin sufficiently thick enough. Watch this space, because I will be speaking about the unspoken. I don’t mean to offend, I am just tired of my experience being classified as offensive.

Tags: Connection, Doing good, Observations, Personal Growth, Self Awareness, Womanhood
Posted in Femininity, Grace, Life, The unspoken, Womanhood | 1 Comment »

Hard decisions are rare

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

Some say that life is full of hard decisions. I disagree. I think there are half a dozen or so choices we make in life that really shape our direction. We put so much emphasis on little choices, fooling ourselves into believing that the outcome will matter in 5 years. I bet you can’t even recall most of the choices you made 5 years ago. I know I can’t.

The simple way to know if the decision you are faced with will matter in 5 years, or shape your life is this;

Can you make another choice if it goes pear-shaped?

Is it permanent?

Will it shatter your view of the world completely and replace it with a radically new one?

If the answer is ‘No’ to these questions, then I hazard a guess that it really isn’t a hard decision. It is probably simply a decision you wish you didn’t have to make. Either get clarity on what you really want, get more information or delay making the decision all together. Oh, and the rest of the stuff that goes to hell without you making a specific decision about it, probably couldn’t have been avoided. So they aren’t hard decisions either.

So next time you are having a hard time choosing, try putting it in perspective. The decision will get a whole lot easier.

Tags: Challenge, Decisions, Personal Growth, Self Awareness
Posted in Grace, Life, Personal Development | No Comments »

My forgiving habit

Sunday, January 24th, 2010

I am in a habit of letting go, of forgiving. I am slow to anger and almost always ‘talk it out’ with the other when I feel wronged. I even (much to my partner’s frustration) sit down and have that same frank discussion when I feel someone else is upset with me. I have a deep aversion to bottling things up. I hate repressing emotion and I cannot bear to hold a grudge.

This was possibly the hardest habit I have ever formed, and it is the greatest gift I ever gave myself.

I remember what living in a sess-pool of my own angst felt like. I remember hating someone so much it made me physically sick when I saw them in person (true story). I remember anger, seething rage and shame colouring my every decision and word. Although I didn’t know it at the time, I made the choice to feel that way when I refused to let go. The indescribable freedom I claimed through forgiveness forged my resolve in that instant never to carry a grudge again.

Forgiveness is simple, but not necessarily easy. In fact it can be excruciating hard, until you know how. Once it becomes a habit you find yourself restless, desperate for ways to let go of what hurts you.

Here is what I have learned about forgiveness so far:

Emotional pain is there for a reason. It is telling us something is left undone; something to do, something to learn, something to say.
To move towards forgiveness you must first acknowledge the pain you are feeling AND feel it. If you are forgiving more than an argument with a loved one, this could mean you curl into the fetal position or cry tears of rage. Either way only way forward is through it. It won’t be pretty or a walk in the park, but it is no worse than living with the suppressed pain indefinitely.
You must forgive yourself before you forgive the other. You did the best you could with the information and resources you had at the time. Shit happens. You can’t control everything, be gentle with yourself. You’re ok.
In time you can forgive the other. They did the best they could with the information and resources they had at the time. It may not have been ‘right’, it certainly wasn’t ideal, but it is done.

I can forgive much, but I am not an expert. There are things I am sure would shatter my resolve to forgive. There are situations I cannot fathom, let alone let go of effortlessly. But while my life is in a comfortable capital city and all my family members are healthy, I feel I have no excuse but to let go.

Tags: Challenge, Compassion, Pain, Self Awareness
Posted in Life, Personal Development | No Comments »

Powerful honesty

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

I have this friend. I have known her a long time. Nearly half my life. She has this thing; she is blatantly honest.

I wonder if you think that is a ‘good’ or a ‘bad’ thing? From experience I think it’s a good thing, if you can take it. The older I get, and the longer we are friends, the more I rely on her honest opinion.

She is prepared to disagree, politely of course, on anything of importance. Openly and tactfully laying her cards on the table when something is awry. More than once I credit this with saving our friendship from crashing into the rocky shore of our opposing political views, divergent lifestyles and different views on life and the world. More than once her honesty has also rescued me from swirling confusion and dominoes of bad decisions.

Although her honesty is a blessing, it is sometimes a difficult pill to swallow. Not because of what she has to say, but because our pride, inadequacies and fears make honesty confronting some times. Herein lies the second layer of blessing; her honesty makes me a better person. A more aware, more compassionate, stronger person.

If only more people were courageous enough to be powerfully honest.

Tags: Feedback, Friendship, Personal Growth, Self Awareness, Support
Posted in Grace, Inspiration, Life, Relationships | No Comments »

Sense of self

Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

As the days roll on, I am lucky enough to witness my toddler create his sense of self. He has begun using sentences with ‘me’ and ‘mine’. He also refuses help and asserts his opinions with the all too annoying “No!” and “Yuck!”. Despite its infancy, his self-esteem seems imperviable. I wonder how long it will stay that way and what I can do to help.

When he does something ‘naughty’, he comes to me, admits his wrong doing and then gives me a cuddle. If he is chastised or punished, he assumes the millisecond it is over that he gets cuddles, and loving attention again. He interrupts almost every hug his father and I share with a ‘love oo’, his chubby little arms outstretched, knowing in his bones he will be embraced too.

I love watching him, and his infectious belief that the whole world loves him, at work on the street. Fearlessly he smiles and greets strangers ‘Hello’. Smiles and bats his eyelashes and is offered any number of treats from chocolates and marshmallows, to stamps, toys and books. At such a young age he works a room so well I learn just by watching him and people who are less than friendly seem to not even register.

He takes risks. He values only love and fun. He expects the world to support him. He anticipates love from all directions.

Every day I feel as though I am seated at the foot of the Master. With close study he may teach me perfect self esteem.

Tags: Inspiration, Observations, Self Awareness, Youth
Posted in Inspiration, Life, Motherhood | 1 Comment »

Musings on Grace

Monday, January 18th, 2010

I firmly believe that it takes a village to raise a child. In a ‘village’ children grow up at the feet of elders, learning vital lessons. Adults in a ‘village’ mentor and teach adolescents, instructing them in the skills and knowledge that they will need to contribute to the village in adulthood. Sadly I feel that my generation grew up largely without that village. This is not a criticism of our for-mothers; they were focused on creating a society where we (as women) would be valued as equals. It is because of them that we have an opportunity now to instruct the daughters of our new ‘village’ in all the skills of an adult and not just half of them.

As a result of growing up without the village microcosm we are drastically short of role models we can aspire to emulate, again not because our mothers are not ‘role models’ but because our paths are likely to be very different to theirs. Young women are in search of mentors and are coming up short. The ‘self help’ genre is growing exponentially as women reach out for help, desperately craving guidance and support.

I am fortunate in that I have had the loving guidance of mentors throughout my journey thus far. There is no substitute for experience; lessons only become permanent when one has lived them and been transformed by the experience. But the transformation isn’t automatic, the generation of women who repeatedly turn to inappropriate relationships, emotional eating and ‘retail therapy’ are a testament to that. The disconnect is that the skills necessary to courageously face life, walk towards our dreams and learn from adversity were the ones we never learnt at the feet of our elders.

We identify women of grace that we wish to grow like, but lack the vocabulary to identify what it is about their person that we value. The closest words we have to describe what it is we want are; beauty, respect, success and charisma. So we blindly stumble in search of what we think will bring us these; physical ‘perfection’, celebrity and the adoration of men. But we have the cart before the horse. Celebrity (lasting celebrity and not infamy) and adoration are the by-products of a life lived gracefully with purpose.

The deceptive nature of grace is that it ‘appears’ effortless. It seems as though it is a gift bestowed at birth when it is an attitude and a set of skills. Grace is a carriage, a way of being, that has nothing to do with external beauty. Though a graceful woman does possess a ‘glow’ that is often mistaken for, or perceived as beauty. There are guidelines, tools and secrets that graceful women live by and demonstrate, that when applied to our lives, transform them as though they have been bewitched by a fairy godmother’s wand.

This year I am working on embodying grace a little more… what about you?

Tags: Beauty, Confusion, Family, Inspiration, Motivation, Personal Growth, Self Awareness, Womanhood, Youth
Posted in Body Image, Femininity, Grace, Inspiration, Life, Womanhood | 1 Comment »

My black holes

Friday, January 8th, 2010

I may not have mentioned in the past, but I have little black holes in my cognition. Areas where a normal person would understand a specific topic are totally blank within me and I am left confounded as to how in the hell someone could possibly conceive of such a thing.

Here are a few of those black spots, that for the life of me I cannot wrap my head around. The instances where i try, my brain explodes and goes walking around on its own two legs:

Violence

Violence, for example ultimate fighting/cage fighting. I mean really who thought that this was a good idea? How can people watch it or participate in it? While I am a pacifist and don’t believe that violence is ever the answer I can understand that at times it happens. But to encourage violence to cause injury for no reason but enjoyment? I simply cannot understand this.

I know many a soldier and trust me, they don’t relish violence. They would much rather avoid it if they can. They do their job, they serve their mates and their country but they don’t have a blood thirst. Martial Arts too avoids conflict as much as possible. Combat training is used as a path to controlling the base desires of the body and even the greatest of military minds SunTzu said that he who goes to battle has already lost. Fighting for the sake of fighting? I can’t see the fun or even glory in fighting for nothing. No disrespect to the fighters… I just don’t understand them

‘Earning’ respect

I have had some discussions recently with friends about respect. I find it an interesting topic of conversation. There seems to be a consensus that respect can be earned by deeds. That the actions of a person can, somehow, be tallied up, judged. The result indicating whether or not others should respecting them. What the? Are we really serious? Do we mean to say that an outsider can arbitrarily perceive and judge another by their deeds and then decide not to respect them? Again, I have difficulty understanding this. Who do we think we are?

Every human being is deserving of respect. Full stop. Respect is a function of respecting others and as such is an extension of character not deeds. We do what we have to do, no body has the right to judge us or disrespect us. And if they try they only succeed in disrespecting themselves.

Abusing the body

I will admit up front that I am not the most physical person. I would much rather exercise my mental, emotional or spiritual self than the body. But I am getting better. Fueling the body, exercising the body, pushing the body all seem relatively valid to me. But pushing the body beyond rational limits? All I can say is ‘why?’ By all means push through the pain barrier, find your physical limits if you must, but once you’ve found them, it doesn’t make sense to me to push the body beyond its clear signals to ‘Stop!’ to the point that you risk damaging it.

Tags: Challenge, Confusion, Judgement, Observations, Self Awareness
Posted in Life | No Comments »

Our secret weapon

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

I know in my bones that nothing life will ever offer me will be as fearsome as my worries are. Not because my worries are terrible, horrifying or gruesome, but because in my worries I underestimate myself.

As a teenager, and even in my early 20’s my greatest fear wasn’t losing my job, being physically attacked walking home in the dark or getting food poisoning from eating a bad kebab after a big night out. My greatest fear was losing my identity to ‘Wife and Mother’. This, I worried, would be a fate worse than death.

I was plagued by images of an unhappy me. I would be balancing budgets, changing nappies, cooking daily and not working outside the family home. I imagined that this suburban hell would repress my unrepressable spirit. I was sure that if I was to dedicate myself to the role and responsibility of a householder that there would be no return, and my soul would be crushed.

It sounds dramatic, I know, but I would still argue realistic. Girls of my generation were pushed hard as children, told that our brains and careers would be our salvation, our ticket out of domestic subservience. Well, maybe it was worded more like ‘If you work hard you can do anything you want. You could be a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, a nurse or even an engineer. You have so much potential. Don’t waste it.’ Waste our potential on what? The roles not listed, like wife and mother perhaps?

It turns out though that suburban wife and mother was not enough to repress my spirit. I know that now because I am there. It is no walk in the park either. My fears about the never-ending list of tasks to complete and the remarkably short time to actually do them was spot on. As was my fear that the needs of my partner and especially a small child can at times feel suffocating. What my fears didn’t account for was the strength of my spirit. My spirit is still strong enough to fight for time and space to express my individuality.

I am convinced that this unaccounted for ingredient, my real potential, will bode me well in all of life’s ‘hells’. Because I can’t imagine how high my spirit will fly in the face of adversity, but I can’t help but live it.

Tags: Fear, Inspiration, Self Awareness, Stress, Youth
Posted in Femininity, Grace, Life, Motherhood, Womanhood | No Comments »