Posts Tagged ‘Observations’
Wednesday, February 24th, 2010
I hate it. You probably do too. I think I hate the wait more than the requisite pissing on the stick. You know the wait I am talking about. It is the oh-god-I-think-my-life-might-change-in-a-millisecond-once-this-5-minute-wait-is-up wait. If you are a sexually active woman, you have probably experienced this wait at least once. I mean, no contraception is foolproof, right?
Patience really isn’t one of my virtues. Dealing with whatever happens, when it happens I’m great at. It is the damned limbo style wait between the ‘Hmmm something isn’t right here’ feeling and the little blue line appearing, or not, that I don’t cope well with. I find this wait utterly excruciating. I mean I only ever experience this wait IF:
- My period is absent
- I am feeling ‘off’ AND
- My body is doing something else weird like say making my breasts super tender or falling asleep in the middle of the day for no reason at all AND
- I have suffered the indignity squatting over the toilet trying to catch my suitably concentrated urine in a cup or on a teeny-tiny super absorbent strip
Worse than the list of crap that actually goes into making you consider the possibility that you might be pregnant (whether this is a shocking surprise or eagerly awaited news) your life flashes before your eyes in those 5 minutes in a way that the potential baby-daddy can never imagine. He doesn’t think about stretch marks and mentally say goodbye to his body ( a survey found that 86% of new mums felt more attractive before pregnancy than after), he doesn’t immediately panic about his career, cringe at the thousands of nappies he might have to change or lament the nights out he will miss and the alcohol he will have to abstain from. His life gets more complicated but, generally, also more respected. Other than the potential changes to his sex life (which I guarantee you he isn’t thinking about yet) he skips out on most of the sacrifice.
Being that I am one child down and one child to go in my childbearing plans, I expect that I will experience this wait again many a time. (A prospect I am only willing to face because I know how amazing motherhood can be.) To those who experience the dreaded wait only to find the test negative, my advice is to have a drink. Have a few actually to wash down the sushi and soft cheese you will be eating before you do something physical like paint-ball or rock-climbing, then have a great nights sleep and a sleep-in followed by a double espresso. You may not know it yet, but you will miss these when the line does go blue.
Tags: Family, Motherhood, Observations, Stress, Womanhood
Posted in Body Image, Femininity, Grace, Life, Motherhood, The unspoken, Womanhood | 1 Comment »
Sunday, February 21st, 2010
Ironic that of all the unspoken ‘women’s business’ to discuss I begin with one of the backbones of the Feminine Mystique. I can see the eyes roll – she thinks housework is more important to discuss than maternity leave?!? You may think that housework is not a real issue for women these days. Well, the research says otherwise. Somehow housework as made it onto the list of things that aren’t discussed and our relationship to our domestic chores have gone largely unexamined.
Did you know that in a recent study women responded that 24% of all arguments with their live-in significant other are about housework? Did you know that multiple studies have shown that the level of love, affection and equitable division of household chores is the single best indicator of whether a committed woman will feel satisfied in her relationship?* And after 7 years of marriage those couples with high levels of egalitarianism also had high levels of sexual desire.**
So whilst housework itself might not be important, happy relationships and sexual fulfillment are. As corny as it sounds every new mother knows the easiest way into her pants is by doing the dishes and every smart man knows he has far more chance of a happy woman when he isn’t leaving his shit around and not lifting a finger to help. I am not saying that household chores need to be divided down the middle. I know a lot of households where that simply wouldn’t work. I also know a few women who, by choice or necessity, have help around the house. Ironically, justifying and accepting domestic help was difficult for these women (and not their partner’s).
I know the state of my house, be that immaculate or not, has a direct effect on how I feel about myself as a woman. Crazy I know, but it’s true. I will actually race around and tidy the baby’s toys when I get the call that surprise company will be arriving in 10 minutes, as opposed to putting on makeup. That doesn’t sound right to me, but I just can’t help it. I feel more affection for my partner when he is tidying the kitchen or ironing (and that isn’t just because I ruin everything I iron).
I am not advocating any particular arrangement or judging how anybody keeps their house in order (or not). I just think it is about time that we put housework back on the agenda. So, what is your domestic experience? How have you tackled housework in your life? Do your domestic duties hold you back? Do you feel judged by the state of your house? Are you happily house-proud? Do you judge your girlfriends by how tidy their place is when you drop over? I would love to hear your thoughts.
* ** Sexual Satisfaction in Committed Relationships
Tags: Family, Judgement, Observations, Womanhood
Posted in Femininity, Life, Motherhood, Relationships, The unspoken, Womanhood | No Comments »
Thursday, February 18th, 2010
By nature these experiences fly in the face of the accepted bounds of womanhood. They aren’t expected of the innocent maiden, the loving wife or the nurturing mother. And let’s face it, society at large still has some difficulty dealing with femininity outside of those roles. These experiences have often been ascribed to the ‘undesirable’ facets of womanhood; the unmarried, the lecherous, the wild and the mysteries of our reproductive organs. In reality making these experiences taboo or unspoken is destructive, riddling our female psyche with guilt, shame, inadequacy and fear.
So in the interest of catharsis, inspired by a few honest and relieving conversations recently with my girlfriends, here are some experiences I think belong in a guide-book for women;
- Foreplay isn’t optional.
- Masturbation isn’t wrong. Getting to know what feels good is incredibly important.
- Using a vibrator too often can actually desensitise you to orgasm with a real penis.
- Watching porn isn’t just for guys. Well maybe porn is, erotica isn’t.
- Despite the foreplay and knowing what feels good, sometimes your juices simply wont flow. And that’s ok.
- You may hate your period, but trust me you will miss it when it is gone.
- Breasts can leak. And not only when you are pregnant or breastfeeding.
- Rape is never, ever your fault.
- Your body and emotions are intricately linked. Emotions (and the hormones they release) change your skin, hair, breasts, vagina and more.
- Many women get very amorous during their period.
- Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you aren’t attracted to people other than your partner.
- As wild as your youth is, you probably wont regret it as you get older.
- Women have a ‘hens’ or ‘bachelotette’ party for a reason; it is scary to think of farewelling your singledom and loving only one person forever more.
- It takes work to keep the fire alive in a long-term relationship.
- Labour can be a sensual experience, some woman reach orgasm giving birth.
- Labour involves blood, a number of people looking closely at and physically inspecting your vagina.
- Motherhood doesn’t automatically bestow infinite patience.
- Bonding isn’t instant. It is a process. Postnatal depression isn’t a choice or your fault.
- Breastfeeding isn’t always easy and bottle-feeding isn’t wrong.
- Breastfeeding in public is simply feeding a child. Nothing more, nothing less.
- Sometime mothers resent, dislike and tire of their children.
- Sometimes mothers love one child more than the other/s.
- It isn’t easy to consistently put the needs of a child before your own. At times it is soul crushing and gut wrenching.
- Peri-menopause typically lasts 7 to 10 years. So can post-menopause. It can be a 15 year ride ladies!
- Menopause is supposedly the single day where you haven’t had a period of 12 months. Sometimes your cycle will resume even after a break of more than a year.
- Menopause can actually cause ’shrinkage’ of the vulvar and vagina, which can lead to painful sex.
- The first thing the Dr will ask you when you go to see them about menopause is “tell me about your mother’s experience…” So… go talk to your Mum!
- After Menopause your vagina is considered a ‘use it or lose it’ situation. Sex increases blood flow to the area and keeps your vagina healthy, and boots your immune system.
So what have I forgotten? What do you wish was talked about before you discovered it the hard way?? I would love to hear your experience.
Tags: Challenge, Emotions, Family, Motherhood, Observations, Self Awareness, Womanhood
Posted in Femininity, Grace, Life, Motherhood, Personal Development, Relationships, The unspoken, Womanhood | 4 Comments »
Tuesday, February 16th, 2010
There are a number of things that we, as women, were never really told. The list of things we don’t discuss is longer still. Some relatively universal experiences (that could easily be compiled into a handbook if you are looking for a business idea) are thrust upon us without so much as a warning. Worse still is that there is no clear lifeline to help us understand what we experienced or how we feel. Any woman over 15 knows, to some degree, what I am talking about. Every woman struggles with some aspect of her womanly experience until she is about to burst and finally confides in a girlfriend, who opposed to being outraged, relates to her experience with great relief.
This phenomena is all around us for one reason. Nobody is talking about the things that actually affect women on a daily basis.
We discuss paid maternity leave (which I support by the way) as though it will, upon implementation, magically make motherhood valued in society. We discuss equal pay in the workforce as though a woman in her child bearing years is hired as easily as a fertile man. We discuss the new models of marriage, where the man knows how to turn on the vacuum, as though such changes magically help us deal with the daily grind of partnership. They don’t. They won’t. And for the most part these grand ideals and overarching themes don’t effect us nearly as much as knowing how to have a proper discussion with your partner about money. Or sex.
On the subject of sex, why is it that once taboo sexual practices such as spanking (which rests firmly under the banner of BDSM by the way), are considered appropriate fodder for radio add campaigns, when taboos covering femininity are still firmly in place?
I for one am sick of bitching about it to my partner and friends. I am irreverent, but my heart is true and my skin sufficiently thick enough. Watch this space, because I will be speaking about the unspoken. I don’t mean to offend, I am just tired of my experience being classified as offensive.
Tags: Connection, Doing good, Observations, Personal Growth, Self Awareness, Womanhood
Posted in Femininity, Grace, Life, The unspoken, Womanhood | 1 Comment »
Sunday, February 14th, 2010
Staring out my window looking through the sheets of grey rain at the enormous gum tree dancing in the breeze, I feel comforted. There has always something about a good thunder-storm that soothes me right to the wick. The thing about thunder storms is that they are inevitable. I am yet to meet a person who can stop them. It is as though mother earth feels the need to cleanse herself with rain and express her emotions with the brilliance of lightning and the power of thunder.
Weather moves in cycles. All of life moves in cycles. We all fall into step with the rhythm of life – even if we don’t know it. This is the season of love. We didn’t decide that it was time to move from fear to love and yet nobody, it seems, is immune.
There are people around me falling in love. Established couples are re-evaluating their love and deepening it. More still are making their love official with proposals and Weddings. Love has become the flavour in the air, the all-pervasive mood and the twinkle in our collective eyes.
Happy Valentines Day. Bring on the year of the Tiger. May we all roll with the flow that is Love and enjoy its simple unfettered pleasures. After all Love is inevitable. And it is cyclic. Enjoy it while it is lapping at your feet, for it isn’t always so omnipresent.
Tags: Cycles, Love, Observations
Posted in Balance, Grace | No Comments »
Monday, February 8th, 2010
There is a post sitting in my WordPress drafts folder waiting to be posted. Courage isn’t something I lack. I have never been afraid to speak my mind. But something holds me back. My irreverence.
I firmly believe that our experiences as women may be vastly different, but that there are ineffable webs that connect us. I believe, and this has been bolstered by experience, that our internal experiences of the world are similar. I have learned that, more often than not, if there is an aspect of my womanhood that I find stressful that I am not alone. It frustrates me to no end that I have been forced to learn this the hard way.
My experience is largely an open book. When I experience something significant or difficult my natural instinct is to discuss it in order to understand it. I work hard to let go of (cultural) shame or guilt I feel, especially when I have done no wrong. As a result subjects that are not ‘polite’ to discuss don’t bother me in the least. In fact the double standards of what it is acceptable for men to discuss in comparison to the many natural and normal subjects it is considered unacceptable for women to discuss outages me.
So my question to you is this;
Are we ready to discuss the aspects of our inner lives that have been shushed until now? Or am I simply irreverent?
The more feedback I get the easier it will be to decide whether to publish the post languishing in my drafts.
Tags: Connection, Decisions, Feedback, Inspiration, Judgement, Observations, Personal Growth, Support, Trust
Posted in Femininity, Grace, Life, Womanhood | 3 Comments »
Wednesday, January 20th, 2010
As the days roll on, I am lucky enough to witness my toddler create his sense of self. He has begun using sentences with ‘me’ and ‘mine’. He also refuses help and asserts his opinions with the all too annoying “No!” and “Yuck!”. Despite its infancy, his self-esteem seems imperviable. I wonder how long it will stay that way and what I can do to help.
When he does something ‘naughty’, he comes to me, admits his wrong doing and then gives me a cuddle. If he is chastised or punished, he assumes the millisecond it is over that he gets cuddles, and loving attention again. He interrupts almost every hug his father and I share with a ‘love oo’, his chubby little arms outstretched, knowing in his bones he will be embraced too.
I love watching him, and his infectious belief that the whole world loves him, at work on the street. Fearlessly he smiles and greets strangers ‘Hello’. Smiles and bats his eyelashes and is offered any number of treats from chocolates and marshmallows, to stamps, toys and books. At such a young age he works a room so well I learn just by watching him and people who are less than friendly seem to not even register.
He takes risks. He values only love and fun. He expects the world to support him. He anticipates love from all directions.
Every day I feel as though I am seated at the foot of the Master. With close study he may teach me perfect self esteem.
Tags: Inspiration, Observations, Self Awareness, Youth
Posted in Inspiration, Life, Motherhood | 1 Comment »
Monday, January 11th, 2010
I love music. Pretty much all music. Well most, anyway. (Rap and death metal being two exceptions). My music collection spans the Crooners of the 1940’s to current pop stylings of Pink. I love rock and punk, folk and even some country. You’ll often hear my radio tuned to jazz, but acoustic rock and gospel are probably the two genres that really make my heart sing.
For years I have been ashamed to admit some of my favourite songs and totally baffled as to how the music of the day (presumably my day) doesn’t click with me. I know I will cop some flack for saying this (translation form Aussie slang I’ll get shit for saying this) but so much of today’s music lacks soul. There I said it. And I’m willing to defend it, too.
Now before I totally betray the musicians of today, of which many are outstanding artists, I should put this all in context. Music is a transformative medium. It has been used in rituals for worship, healing, and celebration in every culture all throughout history. Music has fueled many a revolution and moved listeners to feel the full gamut of emotion.
Herein lies my disappointment; the music of my generation doesn’t really (collectively) say all that much. And a lot of what it says I don’t want to hear. Case in point David Guetta’s “Sexy Bitch”. Oh please, the least disrespectful thing you can use to describe her is ’sexy bitch’? Give me a break.
There will always be the trashy light music of the day thats purpose is solely to provide entertainment and enjoyment. Think disco and dance music. But the popular music of a time really interprets and reflects the happenings of the day. Our music reflects only personal dramas. Personal triumphs. Personal pain. The closest we have to anthems for a generation are Green Day Time of your life, Tomorrow by Silverchair, Dammit by Blink 182 or Crazy by Gnarles Barkley. Which pale in comparison to Queen, Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen, Sex Pistols & Nirvana who championed generations before.
Pink has tried with Mr. President. John Butler Trio put in a good effort. Jack Johnson even writes about recycling. The Black Eye Peas manage to have a point while they inspire our ‘good night’s out, but they alone cannot breathe fire into the hearts of a generation. Our artists may not have a civil rights movement or the Vietnam war to draw on like the heroes of the 60’s and 70’s. We may not be fighting the establishment as we did with the birth of punk in the 70’s and 80’s. But you cannot tell me that when Rap and Hip hop came to the fore in the 80’s and 90’s that our rock and folk artists lost the ability to inspire us. Or that we live in a Utopian society with nothing to inspire them.
Thank heavens for Coldplay, U2, The Killers, Green Day, Foo Fighters for the soul they inject into a seemingly shallow industry at times. Let us hope they are still rocking on in 30 years time like their forefathers Dylan, Cohen and Cash all who had albums feature in the top 100 albums of the 00’s.
Please prove me and my (secretly folk loving) musical heart wrong. What are the anthems of our (Gen Y) generation? Who is still flying the flag and writing to inspire us all?
Tags: Connection, Doing good, Emotions, Inspiration, Music, Observations
Posted in Inspiration, Life | 2 Comments »
Friday, January 8th, 2010
I may not have mentioned in the past, but I have little black holes in my cognition. Areas where a normal person would understand a specific topic are totally blank within me and I am left confounded as to how in the hell someone could possibly conceive of such a thing.
Here are a few of those black spots, that for the life of me I cannot wrap my head around. The instances where i try, my brain explodes and goes walking around on its own two legs:
Violence
Violence, for example ultimate fighting/cage fighting. I mean really who thought that this was a good idea? How can people watch it or participate in it? While I am a pacifist and don’t believe that violence is ever the answer I can understand that at times it happens. But to encourage violence to cause injury for no reason but enjoyment? I simply cannot understand this.
I know many a soldier and trust me, they don’t relish violence. They would much rather avoid it if they can. They do their job, they serve their mates and their country but they don’t have a blood thirst. Martial Arts too avoids conflict as much as possible. Combat training is used as a path to controlling the base desires of the body and even the greatest of military minds SunTzu said that he who goes to battle has already lost. Fighting for the sake of fighting? I can’t see the fun or even glory in fighting for nothing. No disrespect to the fighters… I just don’t understand them
‘Earning’ respect
I have had some discussions recently with friends about respect. I find it an interesting topic of conversation. There seems to be a consensus that respect can be earned by deeds. That the actions of a person can, somehow, be tallied up, judged. The result indicating whether or not others should respecting them. What the? Are we really serious? Do we mean to say that an outsider can arbitrarily perceive and judge another by their deeds and then decide not to respect them? Again, I have difficulty understanding this. Who do we think we are?
Every human being is deserving of respect. Full stop. Respect is a function of respecting others and as such is an extension of character not deeds. We do what we have to do, no body has the right to judge us or disrespect us. And if they try they only succeed in disrespecting themselves.
Abusing the body
I will admit up front that I am not the most physical person. I would much rather exercise my mental, emotional or spiritual self than the body. But I am getting better. Fueling the body, exercising the body, pushing the body all seem relatively valid to me. But pushing the body beyond rational limits? All I can say is ‘why?’ By all means push through the pain barrier, find your physical limits if you must, but once you’ve found them, it doesn’t make sense to me to push the body beyond its clear signals to ‘Stop!’ to the point that you risk damaging it.
Tags: Challenge, Confusion, Judgement, Observations, Self Awareness
Posted in Life | No Comments »
Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
Your whole world can change in a minute. A second, even. A single decision can shape your life. Or at least I used to think so. Now days before the ‘noughties’ comes to a close I’m not so sure.
A decade ago, today, I was faced with the biggest challenge of my life. No I am not talking about a regular rite of passage either. It was traumatic. I knew right then that my life had changed forever. But it took days, months and even years for the fallout to settle and for all of the consequences to manifest. I spent years putting my life back together. I was certain, absolutely certain, that some of the changes were irrevocable. I was sure, and told many times, that this one event would define and dominate my life forever. That a decision (made by someone else no less) had changed me.
We were wrong. The tragedy has been totally erased from my life. All that remains are faint physical scars. Yes I have been changed by the experience. I am stronger and wiser than I would have been otherwise. But the essence of who I am, and indeed, who I was always going to be never changed. The things that define me now, the corner stones of my life, are the things I was told as a result of the tragedy I would never achieve.
Like a bubbling stream we move around the boulders in our path, ever flowing towards the ocean. The path of least resistance, our natural desire, delivers us time and time again to where we were always going to go. No boulder can harm the stream or define it, and in time the water will wear it down until that boulder is indistinguishable from the rest of the pebbles.
A decade ago, today, I was faced with the biggest challenge of my life. Looking back it was no different to every other challenge – it just took longer to overcome.
Tags: Challenge, Desire, Dreams, Lessons, Observations, Personal Growth, Self Awareness
Posted in Dreams, Grace, Life, Personal Development | No Comments »
