What I learned about myself playing Chess…

1. Safety first. I take risks, but only calculated ones.
2. I am only happy when I can anticipate my opponent.
3. Unless I have a strategy I feel vulnerable (even when my King is safe and sound).
4. Tactics are the natural love child of strategy and methodology.
5. I don’t like to feel controlled.
6. I dislike being reactive.
7. If the ship is sinking I look for ways to jump. If I think it’s a lost cause I wont flog a dead horse.
8. I underestimate myself.
9. I find it easier to see the pros of another and the cons of myself.
10. I don’t have a poker face.
11. I care way too much about pawns (Compassion or stupidity? You tell me.)
12. I’m not comfortable with the ethos the end justifies the means.
13. Once I have a strategy, I am like a dog with a bone.
14. Once a piece has a role it pains me to have it multi-task.
15. I avoid direct competition for a reason (its not good for the soul).
16. I can be spiteful.
17. I strongly dislike not being skillful in an area.
18. I can turn anything into an exercise in self awareness.

Be careful what you wish for…

…because it just might come true.

“Whatever is the problem with that?” you may ask, wistfully dreaming of sun-baking surrounded by beauties whilst someone else is parking your sports car/arranging your designer shoe collection by colour. Well, nothing in part… except for the secondary consequences you may not have considered.

Allow me to illustrate my point with some personal examples. A few years back I wished for a challenge. I was pining for something new that felt just right. Something challenging and rewarding. I though it might be a new qualification, an extension to my practice or a new therapy. Instead I fell pregnant. Yup. A baby. Granted motherhood is both challenging and rewarding but the secondary consequences included nappy changes, breastfeeding through the night and well a life turned generally upside down.

Another good example is when I was 18-21 all I wished for was some serenity. My life was a huge drama, verging on directly competing with The Bold and the Beautiful. I was either elated, anguished, anxious or irresponsibly cavalier. All I wished for was a way to be calm and grounded. To be one of those people who seemed to take life in their stride, without fuss or resorting to extremes. What I realised, just recently (read last week) was that I had achieved my wish. I realised that I am best described as calm and centered at the exact moment I was lamenting (read whinging) that I had lost my ‘Raaaa’. You know the in-your-face confidence, the arrogance of your limitations, the general boisterous-grab-life-by-the-balls-and-manipulate-and-fight-until-it-looks-like-you-think-it-oughta vibe.

The secondary consequences of my serenity were the loss of my false bravado (Raaaa) to be replaced by a much less flashy quiet confidence, the acceptance of my humanity and the limitations that accompany it & a humility that recognises that I don’t have all the answers.

In short, while you are alive you will always be learning and refining your wishes and wants. Regardless of what you wish for and achieve you will be, at least in part, dissatisfied with the outcome. You will always want something different, something more, something befitting the new you.

Lesson: You always get what you ordered. If you’re whining about the present then you are best served to look at the past and honour just how far you have come. This is what the you of yester-year wished for.

Have you experienced any unexpected consequences of getting what you always wanted?

Solid ground

Getting your footing is a double edged sword. It is a beginning and an end. A life raft & a trap. It is a welcome reprieve from running in shifting sand, the earth crumbling beneath you, keeping you moving constantly searching out something firmer, safer. Ironically, as soon as we feel solid ground beneath our weary feet and calm breathing replaces our panicked panting we begin to move again. Even if we are taking a well trodden path there is no telling when the earth beneath our feet will give way again. Or else we stay here too long, clinging to the relative safety until the wind and weather erodes our rock and the earth shifts beneath us yet again.

For the longest part of my teenage years I never wanted the house in the suburbs, the husband or the kids. The prospect of my life revolving around nappy changes, bills and constant compromising of my wants and needs crushed my burgeoning spirit. Yet here I am. The perfect lesson of ‘you become what you most fear’. But I’m happy none the less. Proof that when you release your judgements you can learn to love anything.

I took a few Big risks around 19-20, they blew a massive hole in my life plan – the solid ground gave way to shifting sand. I found safe ground when the first risk paid off with a solid career in banking. I ran head long into shifting sand when I moved interstate, abandoning my career, to begin life with my boyfriend of 4 months (my second risk). I found solid ground again and really enjoyed our time in self imposed exile together. Since then the earth has fallen away and I have ran to and from solid ground many times.

Something I know for sure is that if you get too comfortable somewhere your rock will turn to sand and force you to move on, to grow.

I feel like I have been on solid ground for a little while now and I am feeling the gentle warning tremors on the earth readying itself to move. In the past I have been the one to run into the next challenge. From the outside looking in I’m told it appears fearless (or stupid). In reality it is a compulsion to grow & develop.

This time I find myself wanting to cling to now; to watch my son at this beautiful age forever, to live by the beach, to continue to have family as our focus as we quietly build the foundations of our lives. But alas, the winds of change are rustling in the leaves. I don’t know what they will bring.

Flexibility

Flexibility is dependent on trust. The most flexible people I know are also the most grounded & self assured people I know. That is no coincidence.

When are you most flexible? I am most flexible with the people I trust the most and in places where I feel most at home. I am flexible when I don’t have an agenda to push or outcomes to achieve. I am flexible when I am in my element and know the lay of the land. And, no, my flexibility has nothing to to do with being engaged to a Yoga Instructor.

I am least flexible when there are unknown elements at play, when I am inexperienced or uncertain. I am inflexible when I am preoccupied with an aganda or afraid of being judged. I am uncompromising when I don’t trust myself.

The secret of flexible people is that they know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that come what may they can handle it. They trust themselves to withstand the unknown. The secret of flexible people is paradoxical, the secret of flexible people is their (inner) strength.

Saying ‘No’

Hi. My name is Rachael and I am a people-pleaser.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. But alone it isn’t enough. People-pleasers need help. Ironically, people-pleasers offer it to others and never call in a favour. They only ask for help when they realise they need it to stop from disappointing someone else.

Magazines have realised that being a people-pleaser isn’t as fashionable as it was in the 50′s. They have enlightened us to the warning signs and written many an article on learning to delegate and say ‘No’.

For a people-pleaser learning to say ‘No’ is tremendously important. It breaks the cycle of overcommiting in order to please everybody and depleating all available energy reserves. Learning to delegate is the opposite side of the same coin and no less important – it is the people pleaser learning to accept assistance.

For me there is a thrid skill that completely revolutionises the life of a people-pleaser. Let me explain. People pleasers like to please others. Yes sometimes this stems from deep insecurities, fear of rejection etc but often it is also the deep desire to serve. Service is one of my 5 guiding values in life, and I can honestly say that if I am not contributing to, supporting and serving my partner, child, family, friends, colleagues and community I feel dissatisfied.

The third revolutionary step then is the art of knowing why you want to say ‘Yes’. Here are some potential reasons you may want to say ‘Yes’ to a request, when all the magazine articles are telling you to say ‘No”:

• You want to be liked/seen as good/considered helpful etc
• You feel an obligation to
• You don’t know how to say ‘No’
• You have already said ‘Yes’ and don’t want to change your mind
• You want recognition
• You will receive a benefit in return
• You feel passionate about contributing
• You are fulfilling a value or goal by saying ‘Yes’

When you are clear on why you want to say ‘Yes’ you are more able to make the best decision and make sure it works for you. For example if you take on a project for recognition make sure you point out that you expect your name on the cover or a written reference or a bullet point on your resume. If you are saying yes out of obligation, is the other person aware that you would expect them to return the favour if the tables were turned? If you are saying ‘yes’ because you feel compelled to contribute – is this the very best way for you to do so?

When I learned to be clear as to why I accepted projects, offered help and generally said ‘Yes’ I found myself being more selective, more clear as to what my contribution would be, asking for benefits in return. In general understanding my needs in the situation helped me to honour myself more. The funny thing is that now that I can say ‘No’ and I am clear on why I say ‘Yes’ I have taken on more without the dissatisfaction and exhaustion of a people-pleaser. Oh, and yes, I am pleasing more people.

Fascinating

Capable of arousing and holding attention.

Capturing interest as if by a spell – bewitching.

I don’t know a woman who wouldn’t love to be considered a ‘fascinating woman’. The art of captivating others is more than a charming skill; it is a quality of spirit. There is no higher compliment, no greater task than to be so authentically you in all your intricacies that others feel compelled to watch, to be near you, to learn what it is that makes you tick.

The catch 22 is that if you are concerned with charming others, being the life of the party, being liked, being admired & being interesting then you are probably not being authentic. You may however come across as 2 dimensional, a try hard and particularly non-fascinating.

A truly fascinating woman is happy to follow her desires. She speaks her mind. She expresses her authentic emotions. She is high maintenance. She is unapologetically herself. She is not consistent. She doesn’t pander to popular opinion. She goes with the flow, but not necessarily the flow of the masses. She is unafraid of upsetting others, but she is not intentionally inflammatory.

The trick is that most of us modern women lack some of the foundational keystones to being a fascination woman; being self assured and the ability to flow with our feminine nature.

I know I am not the only one guilty of listening to a band, or reading a book (or even pretending we have) because it is so very chic’. So many women dutifully trawl the magazine pages to construct their wardrobes. Forgetting that, dressing to suit their personalities and shapes, the style icons didn’t follow trends – they started them. We adopt a seriousness designed for the workplace and allow it to permeate other areas of our lives and end up allowing that very seriousness to extinguish our playfulness. In the end we look like we stepped from a magazine spread, drinking cosmos in a tight little huddle as we compare, contrast and analyse the men in the bar as opposed to chatting to them.

A fascinating woman is mysterious, but not unattainable. She is open and warm. She radiates a vibe that draws others to her; it is possible effortless to talk to her. Fascinating women are interested in others and are great conversationalists because they don’t give everything away.

Fascinating is the reason I think we have the best night when it is not planned and that we tend to attract a man when we aren’t looking for one. When we are happy being ourselves with reckless abandon, when we aren’t worried about what others think of us & when we aren’t trying to change the situation we are fascinating.

Care Less

The person in the relationship who cares the least controls the relationship. Seems unfair, doesn’t it, but I have never seen this truth disproven. But I still don’t recommend you use the ‘care less’ tact as a means of manipulating relationships in your favour.

Being aware of this power dynamic doesn’t actually help you either, if you are the one who cares the most. It won’t change the fact that at times your situation, your emotions and indeed your sanity will seem to be at the whim of the other. Knowing this power dynamic is at play only helps you to clarify your options and inform your emotions.

Being the person who cares the most doesn’t suck quite as much as it may seem. Yes, you are, to some extent, reactive to the decisions, actions and emotions of the other. No, you may not easily guide the relationship in the direction of your choosing or, indeed, to your desired outcome. Yes, you stand to hurt more because you are more invested in the relationship. But to quote Pink “I wouldn’t change the pain for what I’ve learned”.

As the person most invested in the relationship you stand to gain more. Not necessarily in the form of love from the other, or recognition from outsiders, but in personal growth. Faced with a loved one who is less caring, considerate and mindful of your wellbeing than you are of theirs is difficult. There are no two ways about it; you are bound to experience disappointment (at the very least) and personal growth.

What I know for sure: At the end of your life you will not regret having loved deeply. But you may regret the walls you erected to love and the love you withheld.

True Family

My family is the centre of my life, but I don’t consider a’ nuclear family’ as my family. Don’t get me wrong – its a great starting point – it’s just not my definition of family. Family to me is far more fluid and subjective than DNA or marital status.

As I blogged recently is was my son’s first birthday at the end of June. In the end the day was a roaring success, mostly despite my planning. It was the people and the love that made the day so special.

On the day I found myself sitting alone  in the beautifully decorated living room (while the guests peopled the kitchen and yard – neither of which were decorated) meditating on my son’s experience. To him everybody there was ‘family’. He doesn’t discern between ‘blood’ aunts & uncles and my closest friends. To him every baby-boomer in the room was his grandparent. He doesn’t rank his affections based on whether the person is a member of his immediate or extended family and he doesn’t discriminate against friends.

Family are simply the people who love him. He favours those who support and serve him most. Those who wipe away his tears, change his nappy and provide lunch get the most cuddles.

Family is not a birth right nor should it be an obligation. Family is not just genes ans has nothing to do with geography. Family is a term used to describe a connection. A connection that compels us to consider the other’s needs, to support them in their joy and pain and to want to bear witness to their journey.

The litmus test: if someones presence in your home feels relaxed, effortless, comfortable then they are, by my definition, family.

My Birthday Lesson: The fancier you make the cake and decorations the higher the bar you have set to surpass next year =)

Unconditional Love

I have really been struggling to post recently and there are 2 reasons for this. I momentarily considered only offering one of the reasons but my internal ‘integrity-o-meter’ went off. So as opposed to telling you the truth, I’ll spill the whole truth.

First, there has been a lot going on in my life. I have had house guests, visiting relatives, my sons first birthday and a few crises going on in my friends’ lives. I don’t write about my loved ones for obvious reasons, so the lessons to be learned there aren’t blog-appropriate. Secondly, I am coaching myself through a personal lesson at the moment and am identifying more with the issue than I am with the solution. As a coach I have the urge to always be on top of things. Its ironic because my clients value my humanity and the way I deal with adversity far more than they do a one dimensional person who seems perpetually perfect.

The issue is that I am taking others actions personally. As a coach I know for sure that those around me act based on their own beliefs and agendas, and for the most part they mean no harm. I know that no-body does anything that they think is a bad option at the time and I know others decisions are about them and not me. The human in me is seeing things differently.

Emotionally I am feeling let down, betrayed, not valued, hurt, abandoned, judged and angry. I am feeling the full gamut of so-called ‘negative’ emotions. I want to tantrum and cry. I long to be heard and for the others to just see the light and change. The others are oblivious. They are doing the best that they know how with the resources and information available to them. If I were to confront the issue head on (as I have in the past) it would result in unnecessary angst, tension and perhaps a grudge.

So the graceful path forward is for me to do the personal growth work necessary to be truely ‘ok’ with the situation. Its a little known secret that you can revolutionise a situation purely by working on your internal judgements, reactions and beliefs about it. This is my task. This is my issue, not theirs. My emotions are telling me that the way I am participating in this situation isn’t healthy, helpful or graceful. Having ruled out taking external action, to avoid the more toxic situation of becoming bitter, my only option  is to learn to let go of whatever is stopping me from loving the situation and the people in it. Yep, you guessed it – working towards unconditional love.

Unconditional love isn’t something that Princes give to Princesses that they rescue from towers. Unconditional love isn’t something that a mother is gifted upon the birth of her child. A wedding ring may represent unconditional love but no object is powerful enough to contain it. Unconditional love is hard work. It is a process. It is about seeing things as they are, not as you would like to paint them. Its about choosing in each and every moment that nothing is more important than love.

Its a far more romantic in thought than practice. Nothing is more important than love. (Indeed nothing other than love exists, but thats a post for another day). It means that pride, being right, being praised, getting your way, personal gain, the upper hand, being heard & winning are all trumped by you loving yourself and the other regardless of the situation you find yourself in. Unconditional love doesn’t mean you become a door mat, but it means that you choose the loving option. You give the benefit of the doubt. You speak loving words, even if those words are ‘No’. You take loving action, even if that means you don’t get your way. You do what you need to do to fully embrace the situation as an opportunity to let go of obstacles to love.

The lesson for me in the ‘mess’ I have created for myself: Everything is an opportunity to love more. We are measured by the things we have learnt to love, not by arguments won. It is not important what emotion or story or hurt another person has bought me – what is important is that I chose to love whatever it is.

Memories

Have you ever noticed that the events that, by far, should be the happiest and most memorable usually aren’t? The nights out on the town that are planned and hyped up, flop. The weddings where the bride has merticulously planned every detail are remembered for the mismatched napkin rings and the bumbling priest instead of the joy. The special dates are overshadowed by fish and chips by the beach. The nights in swanky hotels and not as fun as crashing on the floor of a friends apartment.

Despite the many couples getaways I have had in swanky hotels my most memorable night with my partner was sleeping on the floor eating pizza the night we got the keys to our first apartment together. I looked forward to my Debutant ball for months (the equivelant to a senior prom) imagining it as a magical night with friends, family and my boyfriend. It was a huge disappointment; The dress didnt fit right, my hair was wrong, my boyfriend was a jerk (and spent most of his time with my ex!), the afterparty was a non event and the best part was McDonalds at Circular Quay afterwards. By contrast a ball that I spontaneously bought a table at and invited my friends to was magic, memorable and so much fun.

My baby turns 1 this week and I am terrified. I have been planning his First Birthday Party in my head for months. I have ordered lollies and decorations, I am making 3 different kinds of desserts, we have bought him a cute outfit, organised friends to play live music, invited our near and dear, written out a menu, we pick up helium balloons on Friday and I am getting my hair done so I look decent in photos that will be on display for the next 20 years at least. We are making a time capsule for him and a DVD of his life so far. And I am terrified.

I am scared that I have forgotten something, that the cakes don’t turn out, that the decorations don’t arrive, that the guests don’t get along, that the baby gets overwhelmed, that I am a bad hostess, that guests get lost on their way, that everybody buys him the same gift,  that he gets sick or has a bump on his head for the photos. But mostly I am scared that everything will go to plan and that the joy of the day will be overshadowed by showy cakes, balloons and presents.

Lesson: The best memories are made of substance; love, joy, connection, friendship, laughter, peace. We remember feelings not decorations, price tags or menus.

My past

Today I walked past my past and it didn’t recognise me. My past had long beautifully straightened hair, wore a business suit and sported a gorgeous leather briefcase. My past is still close to the friends of my youth, has the job I thought I wanted and the man of her dreams. My past is blissfully happy without me.

Have you ever had a ‘Sliding Doors’ moment where it is clear that without even knowing it you had taken a fork in the road? Have you ever wondered what life might have been like, if you had made different decisions?

The truth is that your decisions shaped who you are and who you are shaped your decisions. Had you chosen the other fork you may have been more, or less, happy than you are now. But you wouldn’t be you. Not the you you are today, anyway. You made the best decisions you could with the information and resources available and in the process you created your life.

My past looks like I had expected it to look, it is exactly where I had imagined it would be. I, on the other hand, am very far from where I thought I would be and I am a very different person to the one I thought I would grow up to be. I am glad I took another road to the one my 17 year old self had selected for me. My new road has shaped me.

I walked past my past today, but it didn’t recognise me.

The Dice are Loaded

“Everybody knows the dice are loaded, everybody rolls with their fingers crossed; everybody knows the war is over, everybody knows the good guys lost”
–Leonard Cohen

I have been musing recently on the uneven way fate seems to have dealt her cards. Don’t get me wrong; I am a big believer in the power of the human spirit and its ability to triumph in the face of adversity. I subscribe to Sir Winston Churchill’s famous quote “The kite flies highest against the wind.”

But there is always a second side to the coin. The flipside to the power of the human spirit is a heartbreaking lesson. The learning of which, I think, marks real maturity. Sometimes the dice are loaded. Sometimes the good guys loose. Sometimes your hands are tied. Sometimes the outcome is unfair, unjust, uncalled for, unpleasant and sometimes there is nothing you can do to change it.

I am watching 3 such situations unfold in my life and the lives of my near and dear at the moment. The wisdom I glean from the experience is; when you can’t change the facts you can change your mind. In that simple, but not easy, change of perception there is more courage, more grace and more beauty than in a whole life lived unchallenged.