I’m wrong… a lot

My near and dear just died from shock at that title. If you ask those who know me well personally, they will tell you that one of my least favourite things is ‘being wrong’. In fact, few of them have ever witnessed me admit an error or mistake. But, despite my utter distaste for the experience, I am wrong… a lot. We all are.

• When I walk in a room I am sure everybody is noticing the flaws in my figure… I’m wrong
• When I think I can’t take it any more… I’m wrong
• When I think people care about when the last time I mopped the floor was… I’m wrong
• When I think I have nothing intelligent to say… I’m wrong
• When I think I simply must do everything… I’m wrong
• When I think the world will stop turning if I take a break, put my feet up and have a cup of tea… I’m wrong
• When I think feeding people will cure their ills… I’m wrong (but at least they are fed)
• When I think it matters if my son’s shirt matches his pants… I’m wrong
• When I think I have remembered everything… I’m wrong
• When I think I can be calm when we get lost en route to a new destination… I’m wrong
• When I think I can please everybody… I’m wrong
• When I think no one is listening… I’m wrong
• When I think I understand… I’m wrong
• When I think there are enough hours in a day (I am writing this at 12.01am)… I’m wrong
• When I am convinced I am not good enough… I’m wrong
• When I think raising my voice helps… I’m wrong
• When I think I suck at learning languages… I’m wrong
• When I think something is more important than responding to a call for “Mumee!”… I’m wrong
• When I think change is an external process… I’m wrong
• When I think I don’t have time to meditate… I’m wrong
• When I think I should feel guilty for eating chocolate… I’m wrong. Very wrong.

Care to share what you are wrong about?

The fallacy of ‘friend’ and ‘enemy’

The words ‘friend’ and ‘enemy’ are very emotive. They rouse such strong emotional responses from us. We think there is a method in our deciding in which category people ‘fit’ into, we think we are clear on what the words mean to us. Nope, sorry, I bet you’re wrong. Allow me to demonstrate.

Call to mind an ‘enemy’. What makes you categorise them that way? Did they hurt you, ignore you, hurt your loved one, do something unscrupulous?

Call to mind a ‘friend’. Think of why you call them ‘friend’. Have they supported you, been kind to you, shared your life with you, advised you well, shown you compassion?

Call to mind someone who fits neither of these categories, someone you are ‘indifferent’ to. Why are you indifferent to them? Have they faded from your life, do they live far away, have you lost touch with them?

Now, just to screw with your mind;

Call to mind your ‘enemy’. Can you recall a time that they were supportive, kind, compassionate or in any other way a ‘friend’ to you?

Call to mind your ‘friend’. Can you recall a time that they hurt or ignored you or a time when they were unscrupulous or in any other way acted as your ‘enemy’?

Call to mind the person to whom you are now indifferent. Can you recall a time when they were either a ‘friend’ or ‘enemy’ to you?

Each of us fall into the category of ‘friend’, ‘enemy’ & ‘indifferent’. Each of us are selfish. Everybody does the best they can with what they have. Every body unintentionally, and intentionally, hurts others. Each of us are capable of life-changing kindness and compassion. Each of us chooses our ‘friends’ and ‘enemies in the same arbitrary nature with which we chose teams in the school yard.

Perhaps if all focused less on the boxes we have put people in we would live in a more compassionate, understanding, kind world. What do you think?

Being ‘in the moment’; a magic wand or a carrot?

There is much to be said for, and indeed much said about, being in the moment. Being in the moment is so elusive that many assume that achieving such awareness will be the magic wand to their problems. Sadly not.

Being in the moment affords us the opportunity to:

• observe what is happening around us
• tune into our emotions
• be aware of our needs
• release our fears and hopes
• act without the influence of our neuroses

In essence being in the moment gives us clarity and freedom but it doesn’t change the moment. There will always be:

• competing priorities
• infinite options
• unfortunate situations
• unknown factors
• things we can’t control

Being in the moment just gives us a chance to see these things as they really are, free from our neuroses and the stories we tell ourselves about how it ‘should be’, what ‘they expect’ and what we ‘ought to do’ if only we were ‘good enough’. Being in the moment allows us to deal with what is in front of us as opposed to what is swimming around in our heads.

Finally being fully aware of the moment without the skills to mindfully act in the moment is like turning up to a gun fight with a carrot. Being in the moment is one aspect of a healthy psyche, but only one and  in the end all roads lead to Rome.

Reasons

Why do you act the way you do? Have you ever asked yourself the same thing after you snapped at someone, bit your tongue when you should have spoken up or told a white lie for no apparent reason?

Why do we over-react? Why do we take it too far? Why do we buy into our own crap? How do we justify our worst behaviour? Moreover, do you have someone in your life that is toxic or selfish whose behaviour you just can’t get your head around?

We may all act and react differently, but we all use the same framework. Everything you say, do or think is based on 3 simple ingredients; Your intentions, your perceptions and your resources.

1. Intentions – You act to achieve that you want or to avoid what you don’t want. Your intentions are influenced by your goals, needs, values, dreams, desires.
2. Perceptions – The way you view the world. The stories you make up about what other people think of you and expect from you. The way you view yourself; your weaknesses and strengths. Your past experiences that have taught you what to expect from the world.
3. Resources – The time, money and energy you have at your disposal. The mental tenacity, the hope, the self belief you have. The physical tools you have access to. The networks you can tap into. The ways and means you have of getting what you want and need.

Nobody does something they know to be a bad idea unless they believe (perceive) they don’t have any other option (not enough resources) to get what they want (intention). So the simplest way to avoid making dubious decisions is to understand, and tweak, the basis of your decision making. There is always more than one way to skin a cat.

The power of humility

So many people, not just young people, are thwarted by their desire to ‘do good’ in the world. At the heart of the matter is the concept that in order to have a positive impact on the world they must be important, well known, powerful and highly influential. The belief often goes that in order to ‘do good’ we must first be a CEO, a millionaire, found a charity, be Oprah, have articles written about us and have 1000′s of fans and admirers of our work.

Yes this is one blueprint of how to have a positive impact on the world, but only one. The ways to positively affect the world are as individual as you are. Literally. Doctors heal the sick. Charities help those in need, raise awareness of issues we don’t want to look at and lobby governments. Research scientists work to eradicate diseases and to prevent the often deadly spread of those we can’t yet squash. Other researchers help us understand ourselves more, our communities better and lay the foundation for the way forward. Inventors create new ways of doing things – safer, better ways. Builders, well, build… houses, schools, hospitals and ramps for wheelchair access.

But the essence of doing good is that it brings joy, peace, happiness, compassion or mercy to the world. Doing good reduces violence and intolerance, prejudice and ignorance. Doing good can be raising a child, baking a pie, making music, playing, or inventing something so useful it is revolutionary, like this. Doing good has absolutely nothing to do with age; Louis Braille had developed and refined his ingenious code by the time he was just fifteen. Doing good has everything to do with the intention and willingness to give of yourself in an authentic way.

Stop trying to change the world. Stop believing that the only truly worthwhile life is one lived in the spotlight. Stop being so afraid that you will amount to nothing that you miss the opportunity to make a difference, however small today. Humility has the power to change the world.

Your heroes are fallible

Your heroes are fallible. Be they mythical, fiction or human they are flawed. Despite their flaws you saw something in them worth admiring. Herein lies the lesson. You too are flawed and you too are worth admiring.

One of the greatest influences in my life is just under 4 feet tall. Yet more than once she stared down (up) fully grown men, and won. She buried more boyfriends in the war (WW2) than I care to recall. She dared to date a black man when it was an excommunicable taboo. She raised 4 children and miscarried 2. She buried her husband after watching lung cancer steal his very breath. She did ‘men’s work’ during the week while the men were fighting WW2 and was chastised for wearing pants to church on Sunday.

I love her humility.

Her utter fearlessness.

Her bottomless compassion.

Her selflessness.

Her ability to be stronger than iron in the face of adversity and gentle as a lamb when some needs a soft place to fall.

Only she was diagnosed with advanced Alzheimer Dementia yesterday. Her humility and selflessness have evaporated she is always anxious and even curt. She barely registers the emotions of those around her and is oblivious to the needs of anybody but herself.

The tears streaming down my face now feel like a burning betrayal to the woman she used to be. Who would have told me not to waste my tears over something I can’t change. I am struggling to find the lesson in all of this:

Am I to understand what who we are and what we do is to some extent out of our control?

Am I to understand that there is inherent balance in the universe and we must all be selfless and selfish?

Am I to learn to love this new incarnation of her personality despite it all?

The best I can come up with is that our heros are fallible.

12 ways to know you’re doing ok

1. You breathe deeply when you realise you are so tense you forgot to breathe.
2. You get so frustrated that you laugh.
3. You get the urge to move when you are stressed. Walking, running, even punching (a punching bag or pillow) are good ways to move you from a stressful state to a better one.
4. You want to walk away when you feel like you are going in circles.
5. You have shown super-human patience at least once in your life.
6. When you’re seething you know just who to call to calm you down. And you have them on speed dial.
7. You find time to help a mate out, even when you’re so busy you forget to go to the bathroom.
8. You have the self control to be pleasant to the checkout-chick even when you are having the worst day ever.
9. You immediately apologise when you snap at friends and colleagues because you are stressed.
10. You can keep your cool long enough not to call your boss/parents/friend an asshole to their face.
11. You have the presence of mind not to shop, get married or make any big decisions when you’re angry or frustrated.
12. When you are in your darkest moment… you walk on because you recognise that it will pass.

Secret desires

We don’t often admit (to ourselves) what we really want. If knowing what you want doesn’t terrify you and exhilarate you at the same time, then you don’t really want it.

We tell ourselves lies about what we want and justify them to others. We settle for lesser goals. We try to satisfy our appetite with more palatable pursuits. We compromise. We play it safe.

There is a popular, and flawed, theory about why we avoid our true desires. The theory suggests that we avoid what we really want because we are afraid of failure. Yes, failure sucks. I am yet to meet anybody who enjoys it. But I do know, and know of, plenty of people who relish in the memory of failure experienced and overcome. Failure is a situation, an event, an opinion, a belief. We aren’t deeply afraid of failure.

We are utterly petrified of anguish. We fear the heartbreak & the pain of watching our dreams perish before our eyes.

So often we don’t surrender to what we really wanted until we are on the brink of losing it. The aversion to the agony is stronger than the desire for the sublime reward of realising your deepest secret dream.

Don’t bite your tongue. Don’t doubt your gut. Don’t be afraid of knowing and chasing what you really want. Listen to the quiet voice within or else you might find that you started to fight way too late and only ended up with a front row seat to watch it slip away.

There will never be a right time. There will never be a perfect situation. It will never get easier, safer. Surrendering to your deepest wants will always be fraught with risk, the risk of being hurt in the deepest possible way.

Truth: I want another baby*. I realised this when the doctor told me the test was negative.

*Note – It is now a goal of mine for the next 5 years to have another baby. I won’t be trying for a baby in the immediate future though. Mum and Dad please don’t freak out.

When ‘almost’ is good enough

• The house is almost tidy
• My speech was almost perfect
• I almost aced the test
• I ate almost all of my vegetables
• The glass is almost full
• I almost got lost
• I pre-vetted almost all of the candidates
• I possess almost all of the desired qualification and experience for the role
• I read almost all of the new posts in my Google reader
• I almost got 8 hours sleep last night
• I know almost all the lyrics to this song
• I have almost finished (insert any work of Charles Dickens)
• I can almost dance the tango
• I am almost fluent in a second language
• I am almost up to date with my filing
• I almost finished the cryptic crossword
• I almost made a complete fool of myself
• I almost didn’t see the stop sign
• I went almost 6 hours without checking my e-mails

Running on empty

We all have the capacity to contain energy & vitality. We are also apt at losing vitality and energy. Healthy, happy, productive people have found the right balance between activities that boost their energy levels and ones that tax their energy levels.

There are a number of reasons for keeping your energy levels high:

• It feels better
• You are healthier when your energy levels are high
• You have the reserves available to do the things you want to do

…but there is another reason for keeping on top of things and ensuring you have bountiful energy. Murphy’s Law.

Murphy’s Law states not only that if it can go wrong it will. But also that it will go wrong in the worst possible sequence.

The scenario goes like this – You are running on empty. You no sooner finish the thought “the last thing I need right now is…”  and you will get the call. If you’re anything like me then you will swear like a trooper. Then you will whine about the timing. Then you will remark about how you “just knew it would happen now”. And you did.

You knew it would happen and you knew when it would happen because you have been busy ignoring and denying the warning signs for a while now. You have put everything else higher on the priority list while your energy levels have been steadily declining. You knew it had to be dealt with, addressed, but the business of your life was put first. The dry cleaning, the errand, the overtime, the social engagement, the project, the favour, the deadline all taxed your energy and time, so energy boosting activities fell by the wayside and the domino’s began to fall.

Lesson: Know what fills your reservoir and make time for it. Guard those activities with all your might. You never know when the perfect opportunity might pass you by because you were too busy running on empty.

Spring Clean

So today is September 1; officially Spring. The time if renewal, anticipation of the fun, heat and festivities of Summer and the beginning of the end of the current year. There is nothing better than starting Spring afresh, (that goes for Autumn too, if you reside in the Northern Hemisphere) using this transitory season to get things sorted, ordered, cleaned, organised and lined up in a row.

I’m not talking just about cleaning the junk out of old cupboards, but spring cleaning your loose ends, relationships, projects and goals. For me, knowing that I am on track and that I wont end up on New Years Eve making the resolution to sort out this years messes is liberating and leaves me feeling positive. Leaving it to the start of Summer and I always feel like I am playing catch up.

So without further ado, my internal Spring Clean.

• Tick the completed items off your someday list*
• Add any new items to your someday list*
• Delete anything that has been sitting on your ‘to-do’ list for longer than a month – its not that important. Or move it to your someday list* f it is.
• Scroll through the contacts on your mobile/email/Facebook. Message anyone you have been meaning to catch up with.
• Delete any old contacts on your mobile/email/Facebook that you no longer need.
• Review your 2009 goals. Amend them if they aren’t relevant. Action plan them if they are.
• Think of your close friends. Are there any rifts, favours, borrowed items etc that can be repaired or returned? If so, do it.
• If you haven’t spoken to you Mum/Grandmother for longer than a month, call them already!

Now to the hard part. For this you need to be honest with yourself.

• Think of all the things that make you genuinely sad. Make a list. For each of the items decide if there is something you can do to make the situation any better, if so do it. If there is nothing you can do then pray/meditate or whatever you do to make peace with the situation.
• Repeat for Angry, Depressed, Hurt, Guilty, Fearful, Lonely, Rejected, Jealous & Frustrated.

I’d love to hear how you go with this, or what you like to do at the turn of the seasons.

* A Someday list is an adaptation of the ‘Someday/Maybe’ items in David Allens’s How To Get Things Done organisational system. A book I highly recommend. In essence anything that you would like to do some day & any project you would like to begin but don’t currently have the time, resources or inclination to begin belong on this list.

A balanced heart

Balance in relationships is ideal. Everybody wants to be in a mature, loving, supportive relationship where both partners benefit equally. The dream goes like this; both people get their needs met, they get unconditional love, boundless support, brunches on Sundays, in-jokes, fond memories, a reliable plus one for obligatory events, someone to do the housework they hate, a cuddle on the couch and a warm body in bed.

Perfect, right? Except…

Except love isn’t ‘unuconditional’ if it is only present when things are balanced. Except boundless support means support in the face of imbalance. Except a couple’s needs aren’t always the same or equal.

What happens to the relationship when one person’s needs are bigger, stronger or more urgent? What happens when one partner cannot be as supportive due to illness, addiction or being in the military? What happens when ailing parents or children throw the axis off?

A mature, loving, supportive relationship means that sacrifices are made, concessions are given & needs are prioritised. No two people (not even twins) grow in perfect synchronicity. So, if both partners are benefiting equally then they are having their wings clipped.

The most loving, relationship affirming thing I have ever done was to put my personal ambitions on the back-burner to dedicate myself to supporting my partner’s goals, loves, dreams and schedule. It is also the most humbling, ego-deflating, trusting, counter-intuitive decisions I have ever made.

Lesson: Love is not tit for tat, clean, orderly or balanced. Learn to find the harmony in the imbalance.