A balanced heart

Balance in relationships is ideal. Everybody wants to be in a mature, loving, supportive relationship where both partners benefit equally. The dream goes like this; both people get their needs met, they get unconditional love, boundless support, brunches on Sundays, in-jokes, fond memories, a reliable plus one for obligatory events, someone to do the housework they hate, a cuddle on the couch and a warm body in bed.

Perfect, right? Except…

Except love isn’t ‘unuconditional’ if it is only present when things are balanced. Except boundless support means support in the face of imbalance. Except a couple’s needs aren’t always the same or equal.

What happens to the relationship when one person’s needs are bigger, stronger or more urgent? What happens when one partner cannot be as supportive due to illness, addiction or being in the military? What happens when ailing parents or children throw the axis off?

A mature, loving, supportive relationship means that sacrifices are made, concessions are given & needs are prioritised. No two people (not even twins) grow in perfect synchronicity. So, if both partners are benefiting equally then they are having their wings clipped.

The most loving, relationship affirming thing I have ever done was to put my personal ambitions on the back-burner to dedicate myself to supporting my partner’s goals, loves, dreams and schedule. It is also the most humbling, ego-deflating, trusting, counter-intuitive decisions I have ever made.

Lesson: Love is not tit for tat, clean, orderly or balanced. Learn to find the harmony in the imbalance.

Be careful what you wish for…

…because it just might come true.

“Whatever is the problem with that?” you may ask, wistfully dreaming of sun-baking surrounded by beauties whilst someone else is parking your sports car/arranging your designer shoe collection by colour. Well, nothing in part… except for the secondary consequences you may not have considered.

Allow me to illustrate my point with some personal examples. A few years back I wished for a challenge. I was pining for something new that felt just right. Something challenging and rewarding. I though it might be a new qualification, an extension to my practice or a new therapy. Instead I fell pregnant. Yup. A baby. Granted motherhood is both challenging and rewarding but the secondary consequences included nappy changes, breastfeeding through the night and well a life turned generally upside down.

Another good example is when I was 18-21 all I wished for was some serenity. My life was a huge drama, verging on directly competing with The Bold and the Beautiful. I was either elated, anguished, anxious or irresponsibly cavalier. All I wished for was a way to be calm and grounded. To be one of those people who seemed to take life in their stride, without fuss or resorting to extremes. What I realised, just recently (read last week) was that I had achieved my wish. I realised that I am best described as calm and centered at the exact moment I was lamenting (read whinging) that I had lost my ‘Raaaa’. You know the in-your-face confidence, the arrogance of your limitations, the general boisterous-grab-life-by-the-balls-and-manipulate-and-fight-until-it-looks-like-you-think-it-oughta vibe.

The secondary consequences of my serenity were the loss of my false bravado (Raaaa) to be replaced by a much less flashy quiet confidence, the acceptance of my humanity and the limitations that accompany it & a humility that recognises that I don’t have all the answers.

In short, while you are alive you will always be learning and refining your wishes and wants. Regardless of what you wish for and achieve you will be, at least in part, dissatisfied with the outcome. You will always want something different, something more, something befitting the new you.

Lesson: You always get what you ordered. If you’re whining about the present then you are best served to look at the past and honour just how far you have come. This is what the you of yester-year wished for.

Have you experienced any unexpected consequences of getting what you always wanted?

Solid ground

Getting your footing is a double edged sword. It is a beginning and an end. A life raft & a trap. It is a welcome reprieve from running in shifting sand, the earth crumbling beneath you, keeping you moving constantly searching out something firmer, safer. Ironically, as soon as we feel solid ground beneath our weary feet and calm breathing replaces our panicked panting we begin to move again. Even if we are taking a well trodden path there is no telling when the earth beneath our feet will give way again. Or else we stay here too long, clinging to the relative safety until the wind and weather erodes our rock and the earth shifts beneath us yet again.

For the longest part of my teenage years I never wanted the house in the suburbs, the husband or the kids. The prospect of my life revolving around nappy changes, bills and constant compromising of my wants and needs crushed my burgeoning spirit. Yet here I am. The perfect lesson of ‘you become what you most fear’. But I’m happy none the less. Proof that when you release your judgements you can learn to love anything.

I took a few Big risks around 19-20, they blew a massive hole in my life plan – the solid ground gave way to shifting sand. I found safe ground when the first risk paid off with a solid career in banking. I ran head long into shifting sand when I moved interstate, abandoning my career, to begin life with my boyfriend of 4 months (my second risk). I found solid ground again and really enjoyed our time in self imposed exile together. Since then the earth has fallen away and I have ran to and from solid ground many times.

Something I know for sure is that if you get too comfortable somewhere your rock will turn to sand and force you to move on, to grow.

I feel like I have been on solid ground for a little while now and I am feeling the gentle warning tremors on the earth readying itself to move. In the past I have been the one to run into the next challenge. From the outside looking in I’m told it appears fearless (or stupid). In reality it is a compulsion to grow & develop.

This time I find myself wanting to cling to now; to watch my son at this beautiful age forever, to live by the beach, to continue to have family as our focus as we quietly build the foundations of our lives. But alas, the winds of change are rustling in the leaves. I don’t know what they will bring.

Mother crafting

Motherhood is an interesting word for an indescribable experience. I prefer the term mother crafting for its accuracy. Mother crafting suggests that it is a skill to be developed and not simply a gift bestowed when a child is born. Mother crafting suggests a uniqueness; that each relationship is one off and hand made with love. Mother crafting suggests a beauty in the imperfection.

Mother crafting to me is about a swelling of the heart, the heart opens and swells and encompasses so much more. The pain and tears of your child become excruciating, to witness their smile becomes euphoric, to watch them contentedly sleeping or reaching for rattles becomes a deep meditation. The emotions are so strong that they bring with them tears; tears of joy, sorrow, pain, helplessness, bliss, love, laughter.

Mother crafting is not a skill belonging only to a child’s birth mother. I have known adopted mothers and childless women perfect this skill so beautifully that they elevate it to the level of art. I know young women who have birthed their lives and tended to their dreams the same way I tend to my son. This perhaps is a no less beautiful but more difficult calling, because realised dreams can’t say ‘Thanks mum I love you’.

Contentment

Contentment is almost considered a dirty word. Contentment is viewed as akin to laziness, settling and giving up. It is seen as unambitious and weak. Its not.

Contentment is a mountain so steep and so treacherous that most never reach its summit. Do a quick Google search for the definition of the word and you will find:

• A virtue to be actively cultivated in order to free the mind from the effects of pleasure and pain
• Characterized by peace of mind
• Neuro-physiological experience of satisfaction and being at ease in one’s situation

So next time you are feeling content, relax & savor the moment. Think about the situation you are in and commit it to memory – it contains the key to your peace of mind. And we all know peace of mind is far harder to achieve than fame, fortune, marriage and status.

Memories

Have you ever noticed that the events that, by far, should be the happiest and most memorable usually aren’t? The nights out on the town that are planned and hyped up, flop. The weddings where the bride has merticulously planned every detail are remembered for the mismatched napkin rings and the bumbling priest instead of the joy. The special dates are overshadowed by fish and chips by the beach. The nights in swanky hotels and not as fun as crashing on the floor of a friends apartment.

Despite the many couples getaways I have had in swanky hotels my most memorable night with my partner was sleeping on the floor eating pizza the night we got the keys to our first apartment together. I looked forward to my Debutant ball for months (the equivelant to a senior prom) imagining it as a magical night with friends, family and my boyfriend. It was a huge disappointment; The dress didnt fit right, my hair was wrong, my boyfriend was a jerk (and spent most of his time with my ex!), the afterparty was a non event and the best part was McDonalds at Circular Quay afterwards. By contrast a ball that I spontaneously bought a table at and invited my friends to was magic, memorable and so much fun.

My baby turns 1 this week and I am terrified. I have been planning his First Birthday Party in my head for months. I have ordered lollies and decorations, I am making 3 different kinds of desserts, we have bought him a cute outfit, organised friends to play live music, invited our near and dear, written out a menu, we pick up helium balloons on Friday and I am getting my hair done so I look decent in photos that will be on display for the next 20 years at least. We are making a time capsule for him and a DVD of his life so far. And I am terrified.

I am scared that I have forgotten something, that the cakes don’t turn out, that the decorations don’t arrive, that the guests don’t get along, that the baby gets overwhelmed, that I am a bad hostess, that guests get lost on their way, that everybody buys him the same gift,  that he gets sick or has a bump on his head for the photos. But mostly I am scared that everything will go to plan and that the joy of the day will be overshadowed by showy cakes, balloons and presents.

Lesson: The best memories are made of substance; love, joy, connection, friendship, laughter, peace. We remember feelings not decorations, price tags or menus.

My past

Today I walked past my past and it didn’t recognise me. My past had long beautifully straightened hair, wore a business suit and sported a gorgeous leather briefcase. My past is still close to the friends of my youth, has the job I thought I wanted and the man of her dreams. My past is blissfully happy without me.

Have you ever had a ‘Sliding Doors’ moment where it is clear that without even knowing it you had taken a fork in the road? Have you ever wondered what life might have been like, if you had made different decisions?

The truth is that your decisions shaped who you are and who you are shaped your decisions. Had you chosen the other fork you may have been more, or less, happy than you are now. But you wouldn’t be you. Not the you you are today, anyway. You made the best decisions you could with the information and resources available and in the process you created your life.

My past looks like I had expected it to look, it is exactly where I had imagined it would be. I, on the other hand, am very far from where I thought I would be and I am a very different person to the one I thought I would grow up to be. I am glad I took another road to the one my 17 year old self had selected for me. My new road has shaped me.

I walked past my past today, but it didn’t recognise me.

The Dice are Loaded

“Everybody knows the dice are loaded, everybody rolls with their fingers crossed; everybody knows the war is over, everybody knows the good guys lost”
–Leonard Cohen

I have been musing recently on the uneven way fate seems to have dealt her cards. Don’t get me wrong; I am a big believer in the power of the human spirit and its ability to triumph in the face of adversity. I subscribe to Sir Winston Churchill’s famous quote “The kite flies highest against the wind.”

But there is always a second side to the coin. The flipside to the power of the human spirit is a heartbreaking lesson. The learning of which, I think, marks real maturity. Sometimes the dice are loaded. Sometimes the good guys loose. Sometimes your hands are tied. Sometimes the outcome is unfair, unjust, uncalled for, unpleasant and sometimes there is nothing you can do to change it.

I am watching 3 such situations unfold in my life and the lives of my near and dear at the moment. The wisdom I glean from the experience is; when you can’t change the facts you can change your mind. In that simple, but not easy, change of perception there is more courage, more grace and more beauty than in a whole life lived unchallenged.

A grand vision

A blogger recently said about 20somethings that they are characterised by holding a ‘Grand Vision’ of their lives that both serves to keep us optomistic but also makes it ‘dangerously easy to be underwhelmed at the banality of everyday life.’

I instantly saw the truth of the comment in myself, and a number of my friends. We were raised to know we could have and achieve anything we wanted- and we took it to heart. I clearly remember drawing my dream house that included a cinema (not as grandiose now as it was in grade 5), bowling alley, zoo, a water park, roller coaster, ice skating rink (the epitome of optomistic seeing as I am pathetic at anything that requires balance) and an arcade.

Leaving HighSchool we put together a yearbook which contained, amognst the photos and memories, our aspirations for the future. None of our aspirations were mediocre. Many said ‘to be happy’ but even these were accompanied by ‘own a successful business’ or ‘become a lawyer for the UN’. Some mentioned family and a career as an after-thought, totally naieve to the inherent difficulties.

Not that I’m a big one for blame, but I think the root cause of the banality that underwhelms us is that we were never shown behind the curtain. We knew to reach our ridiculously high goals we would have to work long, work hard and pull leavers. We didn’t know that long meant a decade, hard meant 60 hour weeks and that the leavers require a more than our body weight to shift.

In an effort to shield us from the ‘harsh realities’ of life we were shown the glory and not the guts it takes to attain it. So now we are a generation of optomistic 20somethings that are being blindsided by compiling taxes, doing the laundry, waking up next to the same person every day (even though they are the person of our dreams), nappy changes, beaurocracy, budgets…. and the list goes on.

Perhaps there is a certain value in not seeing the strings that make the puppets dance. We set the bar high – way high – and not knowing the level of resistance we will face, walk and confidently towards our dreams come what may. If we knew how many all-nighters, anxiety attacks and tears it would take we may never have earned the degree, started the company or had the baby. But look at what we would have missed.