Posts Tagged ‘Coaching’

Failure

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

One of the feelings that I hate is failure. I don’t think I am alone here. Nobody wants to feel as though they failed. My distaste for the feeling has another level to it though. My every failure is somehow turbo-charged. I feel like a failure for feeling the emotion failure.

You see I should know better. I know that there is no such thing as failure.

So not only do I feel crap for not succeeding, I feel even worse for feeling that way. Because, drum roll please, failure doesn’t exist, everything is simply feedback. Feedback to show you how prepared (or not) you were, how skilled (or not) you are, how on track (or not) you are, how well (or not so well) you handled the situation. Failure is asking you to honestly re-evaluate the situation, to debrief and to consciously learn the lesson.

Call me lazy, but sometimes I just don’t have the fortitude to do it. It is so hard to look the feeling of failure in the face and consider it logically. It is harder still to identify my misconceptions, re-arrange the plan that got me here and decide on a new course. But you know what? When I have the courage, and can dredge up enough emotional energy to do it, things get better – FAST. The added bonus is that lessons learned via an uncomfortable feeling, like say failure, tend to stick with us so we make the mistake fewer times before really getting it.

I have had a roll of ‘epic failures’ the past 6 months, possibly more than ever before. I have been getting feedback left right and centre telling me I was off course, I was ignoring my intuition and that I had my priorities way out of whack. But I hadn’t stopped to debrief until this weekend. I was too busy, too run down, too unsupported  too [insert excuse here] to look at what was going on, and so I kept ‘failing’.

The lesson I have been afraid of facing is that I am not paying enough attention to my intuition. I have been feeling dread and doing it anyway, I have put others needs before mine and my babies, I have taken what others say as gospel and ignored my own feelings, I have supported my partner without question. Each time the feedback was clear; dreaded feelings and crappy results flashing like the proverbial neon sign telling me to listen to my inner voice.

Lesson: Listen closely to your so-called failures. Heed what they are telling you. There is nothing worse than waking up and realising that you have lived a shitty groundhog day every day for 6 months.

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5 way to tell a goal from an ego trip

Monday, November 9th, 2009

Goals are so very chic right now. It is normal to be working overtime, freelancing or consulting on top of your 9 to 5 gig. It is more and more common for people to own their own businesses or to be undertaking graduate study whilst working ‘full time’. These things are almost not considered a goal anymore. They are just what you do. Goals are what we do on top of these miraculous feats.

But more often than not goals are somewhat random end states that we consciously nominate, based on who we think we are at that time and who we think we want to be. Which in and of itself shouldn’t be a bad thing, right? Maybe. The catch is that most often we really don’t know what we want. We have a good idea of things that might make us happy. We know what would make our families proud. We know what would make our colleagues jealous. We know what we are interested in. So we make a guesstimate, at best, call it a goal and flog ourselves until we reach it. Not sounding quite so glamorous now is it?

I am not against goals. I am a coach. I spend a lot of time helping others to set goals.I also spend a lot of time looking into a person’s unconscious motivation, secondary gains, values, experiences, beliefs, fears and ego before I help them set a goal. Why? Why don’t I just write down the first goal that comes to their mind? Or the biggest goal they can think of? Or prescribe the most enviable, ostentatious goal applicable?

Because anybody can set a big goal and achieve it.

There is nothing special about big goals. Anybody can set the goal of working for themselves and achieve it. Anybody can set a goal of buying a luxury car. Anybody can travel around Europe. Anybody can plan a beautiful wedding. Anybody can get their body into shape. Very few can achieve a goal based solely in the ego and feel satisfied and happy at the end.

On the other hand very few people have the guts and humility to set a goal that has real and deep meaning for them and to work on that regardless of how it is perceived from the outside. Very few have the willingness to admit that really makes their heart flutter and to set about achieving it. So few are prepared to chase their dharma especially if it is something unglamorous like becoming a green keeper, raising children or nursing.

The easy ways to know your goal is not just serving your ego:

  1. Are you drawn to it like a moth to a flame?
  2. Are the steps towards your goal enjoyable?
  3. Do you find your weaknesses become strengths in the face of this goal?
  4. Do you find it hard to articulate why you want the goal, because it is just so elemental to your make up?
  5. Do you feel as though the stars are aligned & that the road to your goal has been blessed?

We don’t know who we will be in 5 years. We don’t know what we will regret later in life. We don’t know what we will be proud of at 75. We don’t know if we will enjoy something until we do it. Our experience is so very limited and we don’t know what we don’t know. We can’t trust our ego on these matters. We can trust our heart.

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Don’t…

Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009

A useful piece of trivia is that your brain cannot instantaneously process a negative. Ha?? Let me explain:

Whatever you do – Don’t picture a purple elephant.

Whether you wanted to or not, just for a moment, you’re mind went there. You pictured that lilac elephant, didn’t you? Just as soon as it appeared the image was wiped from the screen of your mind. The fact is that in order to process a negative the mind first processes the positive, then reverses it.

What you focus on expands, gains momentum, takes root in your mind. If you are worried about what you don’t want you are very likely to get just that. What you don’t want. Instead focus on your desire and let all else fall away.

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Posted in Coaching, Personal Development | 2 Comments »

Spring Clean

Tuesday, September 1st, 2009

So today is September 1; officially Spring. The time if renewal, anticipation of the fun, heat and festivities of Summer and the beginning of the end of the current year. There is nothing better than starting Spring afresh, (that goes for Autumn too, if you reside in the Northern Hemisphere) using this transitory season to get things sorted, ordered, cleaned, organised and lined up in a row.

I’m not talking just about cleaning the junk out of old cupboards, but spring cleaning your loose ends, relationships, projects and goals. For me, knowing that I am on track and that I wont end up on New Years Eve making the resolution to sort out this years messes is liberating and leaves me feeling positive. Leaving it to the start of Summer and I always feel like I am playing catch up.

So without further ado, my internal Spring Clean.

  • Tick the completed items off your someday list*
  • Add any new items to your someday list*
  • Delete anything that has been sitting on your ‘to-do’ list for longer than a month – its not that important. Or move it to your someday list* f it is.
  • Scroll through the contacts on your mobile/email/Facebook. Message anyone you have been meaning to catch up with.
  • Delete any old contacts on your mobile/email/Facebook that you no longer need.
  • Review your 2009 goals. Amend them if they aren’t relevant. Action plan them if they are.
  • Think of your close friends. Are there any rifts, favours, borrowed items etc that can be repaired or returned? If so, do it.
  • If you haven’t spoken to you Mum/Grandmother for longer than a month, call them already!

Now to the hard part. For this you need to be honest with yourself.

  • Think of all the things that make you genuinely sad. Make a list. For each of the items decide if there is something you can do to make the situation any better, if so do it. If there is nothing you can do then pray/meditate or whatever you do to make peace with the situation.
  • Repeat for Angry, Depressed, Hurt, Guilty, Fearful, Lonely, Rejected, Jealous & Frustrated.

I’d love to hear how you go with this, or what you like to do at the turn of the seasons.

* A Someday list is an adaptation of the ‘Someday/Maybe’ items in David Allens’s How To Get Things Done organisational system. A book I highly recommend. In essence anything that you would like to do some day & any project you would like to begin but don’t currently have the time, resources or inclination to begin belong on this list.

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Funk

Tuesday, August 4th, 2009

Meh. Blah. In a lull. Taking a spell. Uninspired. In a trough. In ‘The Dip’. In a funk. Lost your mojo. Lost your groove. Out of the swing of things. In a rutt. Feeling lost. Fizzled out. Unplugged. Disconnected. Drifting aimlessly. Lost your lust for life. Directionless. Stuck. Stagnant. Hit a wall. Feeling average. Underwhelmed. Sluggish.

Call it what you want. It’s uncomfortable. Like punching under water our effort does not yield results. The funk swallows up all your best intentions and renders your ‘Operation: cheer up’ ineffective.

It’s frustrating, unpleasant, depressing, confusing, draining and necessary. Yes, that’s right; necessary. I have spoken about cycles before, and this is a natural part of the cycle.

When you are in a funk stop fighting it! It’s like quicksand and the tighter you cling to denial the deeper you will get. Instead honour this place you are in, focus on how you are feeling and actively search out the doubts and unanswered questions that are flirting with you from the darkest corners of your psyche. The more of these loose ends you have been brushing aside, with good reason, in order to pursue your latest project be that a job, relationship, building a house, focusing on a child the longer the funk will take to work through.

The faster you invite these questions into the light and the more thoroughly you investigate and integrate them the quicker you can leave the funk behind. Try these techniques next time your feeling ‘stuck’:

1.      Meditation: If you are a seasoned meditator then focusing on your practice in a funk will often hasten the clarity you are seeking. But you don’t need any previous experience in meditation to utilise it as a technique. You can simply clear you mind and ask your mind what area of life or loose end to focus on and allow an answer to arise (see here for instructions) or you can utilize a lead visualization to help you uncover your doubts.

2.      Solitude: Spend time alone. You would be surprised how much easier it is to hear your thoughts when you are alone. Alone is hard to achieve these days we are often connected to others via our treasured communication devices. You want to take the home phone off the hook (if you have one), turn off the computer, turn the mobile, iphone or blackberry to silent and go where you wont be disturbed. Hint: your living room or bedroom are usually not great options. Go for a walk. Go to a market or a park alone. Take a journal or a notepad and a pen.

3.      Writing: Journal. Journal a lot. Use a pen and paper. Yes old school is best, for a few reasons. First, you can’t search the web or get email in a journal. Secondly, its too easy to delete words or whole pages that make you uncomfortable on a computer. Lastly, the most valuable thoughts are the ones that come when you have been writing about benign things for a few pages and out onto the page pops a thought that makes you double take. This is best done alone where no one will read your thought or interrupt you. You could do this every day or once a week – whichever suits you.

4.      Quiet places: Go to the library, the art gallery, a church, a temple, for a walk in nature. These are places we don’t go often, they get us thinking about things other than the usual work – friends – family  – food – money – and begin us thinking about the abstract, our place in things and what we want.

5.      Go away: Take a weekend off and go somewhere. Low key is a good option. Like a few nights in a little getaway just a few hours from home.

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Deep water

Friday, July 31st, 2009

So many times we wonder where our rescuer is when we have made no indication that we are in trouble.

We get so accustomed to fighting just to keep our heads above water that it doesn’t register that we are actually losing the battle until we start swallowing water. The turning point between swimming and drowning is swift and difficult to detect. Our friends may miss it if they turn their heads for a moment.

Our loved ones, aware of our independent nature, mistake our drowning for waving. It probably doesn’t help that most of us would be only too happy to drown if we looked chic doing it. Precious time is lost.

There are many ways out short out this circuit and break the pattern. Depending on how drastic a change you are prepared to make, the following are a few of your options:

Small changes

  • Carry a signal, like a flare or a whistle. This way you can call for help quickly if you need it. It is light weight and won’t be hard to carry. i.e. call a friend when you need to
  • Take an inflatable dingy with you. This way you won’t need a rescuer. It’s heavier to carry and could be a little cumbersome. i.e. find an outlet, be it meditation, a weekend away, a massage.

Big changes

  • Get out of the deep water. This means you need to take a step back until your tippy toes can reach the bottom. Yes you may have to slow down for a little while but you can go deeper when you are stronger and can swim effortlessly. i.e. find a counsellor, change your job, change your relationship

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Posted in Coaching, Grace, Life, Personal Development, Relationships | 2 Comments »

Unconditional Love

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009

I have really been struggling to post recently and there are 2 reasons for this. I momentarily considered only offering one of the reasons but my internal ‘integrity-o-meter’ went off. So as opposed to telling you the truth, I’ll spill the whole truth.

First, there has been a lot going on in my life. I have had house guests, visiting relatives, my sons first birthday and a few crises going on in my friends’ lives. I don’t write about my loved ones for obvious reasons, so the lessons to be learned there aren’t blog-appropriate. Secondly, I am coaching myself through a personal lesson at the moment and am identifying more with the issue than I am with the solution. As a coach I have the urge to always be on top of things. Its ironic because my clients value my humanity and the way I deal with adversity far more than they do a one dimensional person who seems perpetually perfect.

The issue is that I am taking others actions personally. As a coach I know for sure that those around me act based on their own beliefs and agendas, and for the most part they mean no harm. I know that no-body does anything that they think is a bad option at the time and I know others decisions are about them and not me. The human in me is seeing things differently.

Emotionally I am feeling let down, betrayed, not valued, hurt, abandoned, judged and angry. I am feeling the full gamut of so-called ‘negative’ emotions. I want to tantrum and cry. I long to be heard and for the others to just see the light and change. The others are oblivious. They are doing the best that they know how with the resources and information available to them. If I were to confront the issue head on (as I have in the past) it would result in unnecessary angst, tension and perhaps a grudge.

So the graceful path forward is for me to do the personal growth work necessary to be truely ‘ok’ with the situation. Its a little known secret that you can revolutionise a situation purely by working on your internal judgements, reactions and beliefs about it. This is my task. This is my issue, not theirs. My emotions are telling me that the way I am participating in this situation isn’t healthy, helpful or graceful. Having ruled out taking external action, to avoid the more toxic situation of becoming bitter, my only option  is to learn to let go of whatever is stopping me from loving the situation and the people in it. Yep, you guessed it – working towards unconditional love.

Unconditional love isn’t something that Princes give to Princesses that they rescue from towers. Unconditional love isn’t something that a mother is gifted upon the birth of her child. A wedding ring may represent unconditional love but no object is powerful enough to contain it. Unconditional love is hard work. It is a process. It is about seeing things as they are, not as you would like to paint them. Its about choosing in each and every moment that nothing is more important than love.

Its a far more romantic in thought than practice. Nothing is more important than love. (Indeed nothing other than love exists, but thats a post for another day). It means that pride, being right, being praised, getting your way, personal gain, the upper hand, being heard & winning are all trumped by you loving yourself and the other regardless of the situation you find yourself in. Unconditional love doesn’t mean you become a door mat, but it means that you choose the loving option. You give the benefit of the doubt. You speak loving words, even if those words are ‘No’. You take loving action, even if that means you don’t get your way. You do what you need to do to fully embrace the situation as an opportunity to let go of obstacles to love.

The lesson for me in the ‘mess’ I have created for myself: Everything is an opportunity to love more. We are measured by the things we have learnt to love, not by arguments won. It is not important what emotion or story or hurt another person has bought me – what is important is that I chose to love whatever it is.

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Posted in Blogging, Coaching, Grace, Life, Personal Development, Relationships | 2 Comments »

Catching up

Friday, May 8th, 2009

Do you feel like you are getting left behind? Like your life is whizzing past faster than you can keep up with? How often do you use the phrase ‘catching up’? We catch up for coffee, catch up on paperwork, catch up with family, catch up on the shows we missed when we were catching up with colleagues for drinks.

The culture of busy-ness and hurrying is a multi-faceted beast. It arises in part out of the information age and the resultant tirade of information and part out of the demise of rites of passage.

The information age, which to 20somethings like myself is the only age we have ever known, bombards us with thousands of media messages each day. This is additional to the work we do, the family responsibilities we have, the Facebook updates and Twitter feeds, the SMSs and calls we get on our mobiles, home lines, work phones and Skype. We do our best to surf the crest of the information (and thus expectation) wave. Some days we go to bed feeling like we failed our loved ones when we declined invitations, left emails unread, status updates unresponded to and messages not returned.

Then we are told, often by coaches like myself, that keeping our head above water isn’t enough. Even if you did accept the invitation, read the emails, respond to the updates and return the messages, did you engage in your world on a meaningful level? Did you connect with loved ones or take calls all the way through dinner? We resolve to do better, but the cycle of bombardment, response and lingering feeling of falling behind is unrelenting. So we try again to ‘catch up’.

In the good ‘ol days there were fewer messages yes, but the days and years were broken up with meaningful rites of passage. Times to celebrate, reflect and connect with those around us; Weddings, Christenings, 21st Birthdays, Sweet Sixteenths, Anniversaries, Kitchen Teas. Yes these events still happen and we mark them with a party but I think they have lost the element of reflection. What once were rites have become invitations and photos we review on Facebook. The wisdom they once held has evaporated.

So if you are tired of running behind your life, catching up here and there only to be overwhelmed again why not try something different. Put away the phones and laptops and have dinner and talk. Have a get together and talk about times past and notice how different you are ‘now’ to ‘then’. Punctuate the merry-go-round with something different. Create memories. Go places. Meet people. Perhaps then the information age ‘pressure’ to connect won’t overwhelm us.

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No answer

Wednesday, May 6th, 2009

There is no ‘Holy Grail’. No teacher, no technique, no exercise will make all your problems disappear. Yet we go looking for coaches, friends, relationships, jobs, philosophies & books to make things all better. Distrust anybody who tells you there is a quick fix to inner peace or fulfillment.

The good news (no I am not all doom and gloom) is that you don’t need a magic wand. It would only be selling yourself short. Happiness is definitely a way of being; it is a decision we make every moment of every day.

Think back to a problem you thought you would never overcome. Is it over? Has it morphed into something completely different? Was the process as difficult as you imagined it would be? Did it simply vanish and you can’t quite remember why? What invaluable lesson did you learn from the experience?

The reality is that, like it or lump it, more often than not we create our own issues (or at least contribute to them). Which means that more often than not we are also the solution to our own issues. Sure you may need a different perspective, more resources, some help, some time out, courage (perhaps even dutch courage) or some space. But you will get there and the lessons you learn will be more valuable than the situation was painful.

The last thing you need is a saviour. You would just be selling yourself short.

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