Quarter-Life consolidation

I am sitting on the couch in front of my beloved laptop thinking, desperately thinking of a reason to celebrate. You see I just poured myself a class of bubbly. I wanted a glass of wine to go with my chocolate but there was no open bottle so I settle for a piccolo of Champagne that has been sitting in the fridge since my baby was born. I am drinking it out of the only Champagne flute I own which is oh so tackily decorated with glittery hearts and a big number 18; a memento from my 18^th birthday.

Queue my favorite CD refusing to play. So I’m forced to go and get the only CD’s that don’t live in the garage. An old CD wallet from when I was 18. Maybe 18 is the theme here; except I celebrated my 18^th 7 years ago. I am turning 25.

Yes I am ‘still young’ and yes I am often told I am ‘old for my years’. The essence of it though is that I have made more mistakes and navigated more emotional minefields than some twice my age. Here are my humble observations and lessons hard won from the past quarter century:

1. I feel much better when I sing out loud
2. Less is more
3. I am not defined by my resume, address, job, family, my body or anything else
4. Flaws are beautiful. Curves are sexy
5. You don’t always get what you want; which is great because what we ‘want’ usually isn’t what will make us truly happy
6. Life is too short not to eat chocolate
7. Its not daggy to love old music; ok it is but I don’t care
8. Unless a single look from your man makes you feel secure; he isn’t the one for you
9. Fixing the world isn’t my responsibility. Tending to my corner of it is.
10. Cooking is easy once you know how
11. I always have a choice
12. ‘hating’ isn’t helpful
13. Our parent’s did the best they could; just as I do for my son
14. Friendship is a priceless gift and its worth working for
15. I always have enough money but sometimes I spend it on the wrong things
16. You never see yourself for what you are; that comes with hindsight
17. No-one is a mind reader. If you need it or want it ask!
18. There is no ‘right way’. There is however ‘my way’
19. Experience is truly the best teacher
20. If everybody likes you; you’re probably not really being true to yourself
21. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing
22. There is a difference between judgment and discernment
23. Fears are tissue paper thin. Once you do it you wonder what you were afraid of
24. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Forgiveness does.
25. Sex is definitely better than chocolate; I don’t care how good the chocolate is

I will probably disagree with many of these in another 25 years and laugh at my youthful naivete. We’ll see.

Big Yellow Taxi

After a (minor) melt down Saturday morning (There is only so much of a teething baby one I can take without a break) my loving and supportive partner took the darling little bundle on some errands while I went for a coffee.

I chose a quiet corner of Gloria Jeans and let up my laptop, note pad and coffee. Not 5 minutes later 4 girls arrived and sat across from me. All of a sudden the corner was not so quiet. For the most part I ignored them and got on with my work. An hour and a half later, when my concentration was waning and they were loudly singing to “Big Yellow Taxi”, I surrendered and began to observe them.

They piqued my attention because I sang that song, the original version which I am sure they don’t know exists, when I was around their age. Looking at them they are strikingly similar to my teenage friendship group; loud, obnoxious, all front, terribly insecure and they feel totally adult.

Surprisingly I find these girls very comforting; they are living reminders of how far I’ve come in the past decade. On the other hand the scene saddens me a little.

Their outfits were carefully constructed to appear casual, their make-up applied to look natural,  their laughter was forced & fake, the bravado false, they never really made eye contact, even with each other, & the body language was defensive and fidgety even amognst the obviously familiar company. Is this just indicative of the experience of a teenager or are our young girls trying to embody what they are inherently not ready for? Womanhood.

I discussed the experience with a close girlfriend of mine (we will call her Elle) on the weekend and she had a similar reaction. We both acutely remember the insecurity, inadequacy, the feeling of not quite fitting in with even your best friends & thinking that you are the only one who feels that way. Both Elle and I remember not having any clear role-models and the scarcity of information to help us navigate our own inner landscape.

So is the mix of comfort and sadness I feel just a product of my inner dichotomies or is it a reflection of something deeper? I’m not sure. Part of me (my dichotomies again) thinks that if we have outstanding role models for young girls and a medium for girls to access them, then the teenage journey may be less daunting. On the other hand perhaps the awkwardness of our youth has made us the women we are today.

Maybe I am only remembering the less than fun parts of my teenage years and forgetting all the fun I had.

Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” – Big Yellow Taxi
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A step in the right direction

I am beginning to believe that we no longer know what a woman’s body looks like. It sounds like I am about to begin a soap-box tirade about the beauty myth and the beauty industry and honestly- I’m not. That argument has gotten old. We all know that the current idea of ‘beauty’ is unrealistic. If that is news to you let me know what rock you have been hiding under – it is the best hiding spot on the planet.

The practices of digitally re-creating already beautiful women has been the subject of many an expose. As Jennifer Romolini of Shine put it recently:

We know you attach your cover models’ heads to skinnier bodies. We know you slim down their thighs and their noses and you lighten their skin. We know you smooth out all of the facial “imperfections” that make them look human. We’re tired of fembots. We can handle the truth.

I couldn’t agree more. I would postulate that many of us don’t know what a real woman’s body looks like anymore. We all (most women I know) believe our bodies are freakishly abnormal in some way; lamenting the ways we don’t live up to the impossible ideal. Understandably so, when the only comparisons we have are to catwalk models, photo-shopped magazine shoots or surgically enhanced porn stars.

While I can appreciate the beauty of the images we are presented I challenge that they represent any reality that can be maintained without cosmetic surgery, specialist make-up artists, stylists, lighting designers, control underwear, dietitians, chefs, personal trainers and often retouching professionals. Even the images touted as ‘natural’ often need a handful of professionals to create.

In a culture that could almost do away with real women in favour of infinitely more perfect digitally created ones, I take my hat off to French Elle and the amazing women who chose to pose as their real selves. April’s issue of Elle celebrates women in their true beauty; no makeup and no retouching. Granted the (brave and inspiring) women are lit beautifully by talented lighting designers and the photographer is worth his/her weight in gold and they are wearing loose clothes that hide the so-called ‘imperfections’ of a real woman’s body, but heck they look like a woman should!

I am looking forward to Australian and American publications following this example and wistfully dreaming of the day when it is accepted that real women have bellies & stretchmarks*, asymmetrical breasts**, blemishes and beautiful intricacies.

* & **Please note that these links contain images of partial, tasteful & non-sexual, nudity that may not be appropriate for viewing at work or by sensative readers.