Posts Tagged ‘Balance’

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Mellow

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

Have you never been mellow?
Have you never tried to find a comfort from inside you?
Have you never been happy just to hear your song?
Have you never let someone else be strong?

-Olivia Newton John: Have you never been mellow

Yes I know I just lost every ounce of credibility when I posted ONJ lyrics from 1975, but I have already confessed to enjoying old daggy music, so bear with me.

Have you ever noticed that the people with the most (personal) power, respect and confidence are the most ‘mellow’? They speak in a level tone, they have no need to yell. Even if they were whispering people would strain to listen.

These people seem to bypass the socially awkward moments associated with meeting new people; they welcome all effortlessly with seemingly no concern of what the other may think of them. They know what others think of them is none of their business.

Those with personal power tend to have a close posse. Not because they require them as a crutch, but because they understand the value of letting people in. They respect the poignancy of silence too, so mindless chatter is kept to a minimum.

I found it easy to be mellow while I was pregnant. But I feel I was cheating somewhat – it is easy to be mellow when you don’t have the energy to be gregarious and where people walk on eggshells around you vying for the opportunity to fulfill your next craving.

My challenge. Now that I am ‘back’; able to show some skin (and wear an underwire bra), imbibe a cocktail (or 4) and hit the dance floor with the girls, to still flavor my life with mellow, understated grace.

How do you balance the mellow and ostentatious sides of your life?


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Lets talk about … My fine line

Tuesday, April 13th, 2010

There is a fine line, at least in my pretty little head, between submitting to someone else’s will and choosing to find happiness in someone else’s happiness.

You might need to read that one again. It is a really, really, fine line.

This is a really complicated issue. At least for me. The concept of submitting to the will of another is abhorrent to me. It makes my blood run cold and every single cell in my body rebels against it. As a woman especially, I harks back to millennia of women without an avenue to exercise their own will. Similarly though the concept of finding happiness in someone else’s happiness reeks of the feminine mystique, of 1850′s housewives socially trapped into living only for their husband’s and children.

The key here, I guess, is choice. Choice is what we have been fighting for, isn’t it? Somehow some choices still seem to betray myself, my gender. The difference between an enlightened, empowered choice and a choice that flies in the face of my freedoms and rights? Awareness.

Conscious choice makes all the difference. Conscious choice is the only thing that makes the life of a modern wife and stay at home mother different to that of her 1950′s counterpart. I am choosing fulfillment in my role as domestic goddess. They had no other option.

I chose to marry because it was important to my husband. Not out of fear. I chose to remain at home raising my son, because it is honestly the hardest, toughest, most fulfilling thing I have ever undertaken. And I don’t back away from a challenge. What makes my choices, in my mind, revolutionary and rebellious and empowered is that I am aware of every choice I make. I put my life under the microscope and analyse who I am in the face of my freedoms and choices.

I walk a fine line. My priorities and daily tasks are essentially for my family. My self inquiry, my honesty with (and about) what goes on for me in my heart and head in response to this, that is my saving grace. Conscious choice is the difference between oppressed and living breathing empowerment.

I bet I am not the only woman steadily walking this line. What lines do you walk?

(excuse the late post, I am trying a new parenting style today and it is labor intensive.)

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Posted in Balance, Femininity, Grace, Life, Marriage, Motherhood, The unspoken, Womanhood | 2 Comments »

Lets talk about…. my imperfection

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010

This blog should have been written 24 hours ago. Maybe more. No excuses here, mind you. I am open to criticism and may she who embodies perfection throw the first stone. Any takers? No? Really? That’s no surprise to me. But it does bring up an important question – Why do we try so hard to appear perfect?

I am no super woman. Yet so often I catch myself trying to be. So when I sat in the hair stylist’s chair this morning, after only 2 hours sleep, with the world’s greasiest hair, a piping hot coffee and grapes from the fruit market across the street, I apologised. Not once, but about a million times. I apologised for not getting my stylist a coffee because I couldn’t remember how he takes it. I apologised for my hair being greasy because the hot water system had been down for nearly two days and I can only bare an ice-cold shower for long enough to wash my body. I apologised for eating despite the fact that I hadn’t had time for breakfast (I spent my breakfast time sleeping and having a cold shower). I apologised in advance for rudely leaving my phone on incase the plumber called. I apologised for not taking better care of my hair. And then apologised for having such fabulous hair that despite rarely conditioning or brushing (yes bad rae!) that it still looked good to him. I apologised for not being my bubbly because despite two highly caffeinated drinks I was not alert. At all.

Honestly, this was my morning. And that only demonstrates the need I felt to be perfect for my hair dresser! On the way home I was to pick up a prescription for my baby and ingredients for dinner. Dinner is covered but the prescription was still on the fridge! Damn. Getting home, feeling that I was doing pretty well, only stuffing one thing up, functioning on caffeine alone (the grapes didn’t go down well) I realised that I had promised my son a kinder surprise. Epic. Fail. Mum. The darling child was happy with my discarded grapes none the less.

I am calling myself out. I am so far from perfect it is laughable. Don’t expect me to be, the closest I will come is apologising for my shortcomings.

PS Oh and I will apologise to you if you find spelling or grammatical issues. My editing eyes only kick in after 4 or more hours sleep :)

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Posted in Balance, Grace, Life, Motherhood, The unspoken, Womanhood | 1 Comment »

Are you supportable? Ten steps to support in 2010.

Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

I am fiercely independent and stubborn to a fault, but I have been supportable in the past. Currently though, I would say I am definitely difficult (near on impossible) to support.

I have willing and prepared family and friends, who would probably never say ‘No’ if I asked for help – so many of us do – but I rarely articulate what exactly they could do to help. When asked how I am doing my default response is ‘I’m fine’ which roughly translates to “I actually need support, but am too stubborn to ask for it”.

How to know if you are unsupportable like me:

  • You lie about how you are doing i.e. “Yeah I’m ok. Everything is fine”
  • You think that t is easier to just ‘stick it out’ than to ask for help
  • You expect the help you get to be absolutely perfect and are disappointed when, lets say, the towels aren’t folded like you would fold them
  • You keep telling yourself all you need is someone to talk to, not actual help
  • You are hesitant to break the routine to try things a different, more supportive, way
  • You keep telling yourself than in a few weeks when (insert dilemma here) is over, everything will be better

One of my goals for 2010 is to feel totally supported. So I will be changing a few things, from priorities to how I run my household and how I manage relationships to achieve that. (Friends and family that read this blog are broadly smiling or cringing in anticipation, depending on who they are as they read this, I am sure.)

Here is my game plan to a more supported life:

  1. Recognise that the world would turn without me. So it is o.k for me to take time out for me – the sky won’t fall in.
  2. Let go of the feelings of failure and guilt that arise when I ask for help. Needing help and time out is NORMAL.
  3. Set up the family schedule so that time for me is already built-in. This will stop me apologising for doing what I need, like have an uninterrupted shower for example.
  4. Take friends up on offers of babysitting etc.
  5. Explain in advance what I need and how I am working to achieve it, so no-one accidentally works against me in attempt to help.
  6. Preempt difficult times and take action to get support before I am desperate, rundown & exhausted.
  7. Proritise yoga, meditation and writing just as high as getting the shopping done, catching up with friends and doing the chores.
  8. Learn not to apologise for number 7 above.
  9. Accept that things like having smooth legs and tidy nails, moisturised skin and getting hair cuts really do make me feel better, because they demonstrate I am worth taking care of, and make time for them regularly.
  10. Cultivate a focused and relaxed mind that deals with what I am working on at the time and lets go of the millions of other things and thoughts that are going on simultaneously.

How are you focusing more on yourself in 2010?

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Posted in Coaching, Grace, Life, Motherhood, Personal Development, Relationships | No Comments »

Overwhelm… how I hate thee

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

If you are female aged between 21 and 50 I would bet my last TimTam (Amazing Australian biscuit) that you know the feeling well. Overwhelm, yuck!

It usually goes something like this – Work is hectic or the baby is teething, or both. AND you are stressed about one or more of the following; buying a house, planning a wedding, coping with a pregnancy, studying, planning an event, paying the bills, cleaning the house, making it to the gym, navigating family issues, launching your company, keeping in touch with friends and getting more than 5 hours sleep a night.

The more you do the more rest you need and the less time you have to get it. Usual rest periods like the commute or having a coffee we are ‘plugged in’ with the iphone making us contactable and on 24/7.

With the festive season just around the corner, the craziness will only get worse. Much worse. To the usual overwhelm we can add; double the social engagements, hangovers, present shopping, credit card debt, the mad rush at work to get everything done, being short-staffed as people take holidays, the final 4 weeks to achieve our goals for 2009.

Try these this silly season, to reduce stress, keep calm and enjoy your friends and family:

  • Make a list of priorities. Use it to guide which events you attend, who you catch up with and how you spend your time.
  • Instigate a ‘day of rest’ each week. On that evening do only things you really love, that fill you with energy like, bubble baths, movies, a meal in, a slow walk outside etc.
  • Make a christmas list and keep it with you. It will make present shopping easier.
  • Create a christmas budget and stick to it.
  • Have a maintenance weekend in the first weekend of December. Clean the house, get a manicure/pedicure, facial, waxing, haircut etc to prepare you for parties and guests for the rest of the month.
  • Aim for balance on a weekly basis. It may not be possible to go to the gym, work and a function, run errands and spend time with family all in a day. Spread it out.

What do you do to beat overwhelm?

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Our parents’ mistakes

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

I am really struggling at the moment with this notion that productivity equals worth. As a society we are lengthening our work days and taking side projects like consulting, blogging and even second jobs. What I find most astounding is that it is Gen-Y who is leading the charge. What the? Yes we are in our twenties and building the foundations of our careers and indeed our lives but wasn’t it us that vowed never to repeat our parents’ mistake of putting work before fulfillment and happiness?

I feel like we are being duped. We say we are chasing our dreams and living life on our own terms – really? Hands up who dreamed as a child of working 80 hour weeks? Hands up who dreamed of feeling the need to schedule time in order to feel comfortable relaxing? It sounds a whole lot like we are chasing the job, so we feel good about our title on Linkedin and the money to buy the stuff that we see in ads and on recommendations from Twitter and Facebook.

I don’t mean to sound judgemental really I don’t. My biggest struggle when I took time off to have a baby was that I didn’t feel productive enough. But I have since detoxed from the addiction that is feeling constantly rushed and busy.

By all means chase your dreams, create your empire, but have perspective. The art of going with the flow, the skill of remaining calm in a chaotic world, the mastery of the ego’s need to feel constantly important will bode you just as well as a side project or kudos for working overtime – but they won’t break you in the process.

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Running on empty

Thursday, September 3rd, 2009

We all have the capacity to contain energy & vitality. We are also apt at losing vitality and energy. Healthy, happy, productive people have found the right balance between activities that boost their energy levels and ones that tax their energy levels.

There are a number of reasons for keeping your energy levels high:

  • It feels better
  • You are healthier when your energy levels are high
  • You have the reserves available to do the things you want to do

…but there is another reason for keeping on top of things and ensuring you have bountiful energy. Murphy’s Law.

Murphy’s Law states not only that if it can go wrong it will. But also that it will go wrong in the worst possible sequence.

The scenario goes like this – You are running on empty. You no sooner finish the thought “the last thing I need right now is…”  and you will get the call. If you’re anything like me then you will swear like a trooper. Then you will whine about the timing. Then you will remark about how you “just knew it would happen now”. And you did.

You knew it would happen and you knew when it would happen because you have been busy ignoring and denying the warning signs for a while now. You have put everything else higher on the priority list while your energy levels have been steadily declining. You knew it had to be dealt with, addressed, but the business of your life was put first. The dry cleaning, the errand, the overtime, the social engagement, the project, the favour, the deadline all taxed your energy and time, so energy boosting activities fell by the wayside and the domino’s began to fall.

Lesson: Know what fills your reservoir and make time for it. Guard those activities with all your might. You never know when the perfect opportunity might pass you by because you were too busy running on empty.

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Posted in Balance, Dreams, Grace, Life | 2 Comments »

Life

Sunday, August 30th, 2009

It’s not always fair. In fact it rarely is. It favours the brave, the ambitious, the unencumbered, the blinkered and the tunnel visioned. So if you have loved ones, hobbies, are compassionate, have children, see the bigger picture beyond your wants – you have some tough decisions to make.

The ghastly thing about tough decisions (a.k.a big scary adult decisions) is that the pay off for bravely facing the hard truth and making a considered decision is… well, not much. These are the decisions you make behind closed doors, alone or with your partner. They aren’t broadcast on Twitter, they don’t become blog fodder and its not something you chit-chat about over drinks. Nobody pats you on the back for putting your family first, you don’t get a medal for walking away from a dodgy offer, no one gives you kudos for considering the consequences, being compassionate and doing the right thing.

The pay of we get for smiling through the tears, working our fingers to the bone, fitting yet more into an already overstretched work week or family budget, for passing up an opportunity in order to spend time with your kids, for taking a career break to work for Legal Aid, for supporting your partner in their dreams, for overseeing the care of ailing loved ones, for working 2 part time jobs to afford medical school? Your sense of self.

For those whose life will not be dedicated to setting the world on fire, founding charities or fortune 500 companies, for whom the sweetness of life will not be accolades, positive press, awards and making history, the pay off is something almost spiritual. To know your heart was big enough to love despite the sacrifices, to know you were humble enough to celebrate the small successes, graceful enough to smile through the tears and wise enough to see the meaning in it all.

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What makes you happy?

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

You may think it’s your job. You may think it’s your family. You may think it’s hanging out with friends. You may think it’s playing sport. You may think it’s creating music. You’re probably wrong.

If you think it is your job that makes you happy, consider the fate of your happiness when you retire, take time off to raise a family or become ill. If you think your family is the sole source of your happiness then what happens when you move interstate, there is a divorce or you become responsible for ailing parents? If you think you are happy because you are sporty and very physical then what happens when you are injured, too busy or on the off-season?

Your happiness is derived from expressing who you are and embodying your values.

Most of us have it backward. We fail to make the important distinction between the task/experience and the meaning we ascribe to it. We believe family makes us happy but really it is the compassion, support, solidarity, love that we experience in familial bonds that make us happy. I have written about this before; we can experience these things with anybody we feel an affinity with, not exclusively our ‘family’.

I am as guilty as anyone in this area. I have, in the not so distant past, proudly worn the label workaholic. (I was never really a workaholic. There is a huge difference between luv luv luving your work and being addicted to working. Holly Hoffman wrote a great post about this recently.) Never the less I was pulling 55-60 hour weeks when I was over 6 months pregnant. I was even consulting on the day my baby was due. I really ‘loved’ my work. So as a new Mum, with no KPIs, to-do lists, praise from superiors and clients I felt totally lost. I was on call 24/7 to the hardest task-master I had ever encountered, but I was still longing for something.

In reality it wasn’t my job that used to make me happy. It was the opportunity to exceed expectations, challenge myself, achieve goals, nurture others & be intellectually stimulated that my job provided that made me happy. Working is not the only way I can fulfill those needs and express those parts of myself. I now achieve them raising my son, volunteering, helping family and friends, reading & blogging.

When we identify specifically what about our family, jobs and hobbies that ‘make us happy’ we wield an amazing power. We can un-tether our happiness from the title on our business card, the state of our family and our social calendars. When we know what really makes us happy the world really becomes our oyster because we can fulfill our values in more ways than we currently imagine. You may be totally fulfilled living on a tropical island teaching the local children english – who knows.

When we understand the mechanics of our happiness we can achieve it in more creative, and often less stressful, ways. For example a young ‘workaholic’ who remains in the office until 8pm because they value contributing, status and achievement could leave the office at 5 and spend the next 3 hours working on a charity close to their heart and be equally as, if not more, fulfilled. A 55 year old man who wants to but refuses to retire for fear of losing his status and losing the stimulation of work could mentor the next generation of workers or volunteer his time.

What I know for sure is that most of us avoid identifying what really makes us happy for one reason: when you identify what makes you happy you also take responsibility for your own happiness. Do you dare know the key to your happiness?

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Posted in Dreams, Grace, Life, Personal Development | 3 Comments »

Deep water

Friday, July 31st, 2009

So many times we wonder where our rescuer is when we have made no indication that we are in trouble.

We get so accustomed to fighting just to keep our heads above water that it doesn’t register that we are actually losing the battle until we start swallowing water. The turning point between swimming and drowning is swift and difficult to detect. Our friends may miss it if they turn their heads for a moment.

Our loved ones, aware of our independent nature, mistake our drowning for waving. It probably doesn’t help that most of us would be only too happy to drown if we looked chic doing it. Precious time is lost.

There are many ways out short out this circuit and break the pattern. Depending on how drastic a change you are prepared to make, the following are a few of your options:

Small changes

  • Carry a signal, like a flare or a whistle. This way you can call for help quickly if you need it. It is light weight and won’t be hard to carry. i.e. call a friend when you need to
  • Take an inflatable dingy with you. This way you won’t need a rescuer. It’s heavier to carry and could be a little cumbersome. i.e. find an outlet, be it meditation, a weekend away, a massage.

Big changes

  • Get out of the deep water. This means you need to take a step back until your tippy toes can reach the bottom. Yes you may have to slow down for a little while but you can go deeper when you are stronger and can swim effortlessly. i.e. find a counsellor, change your job, change your relationship

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Posted in Coaching, Grace, Life, Personal Development, Relationships | 2 Comments »

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