When no labels fit…
It is at once liberating and disconcerting to realise that I don’t have to work. Mind you, I am a full time carer to my son and run the household in much the same way as an office manager runs a business, but I don’t need to go back to work outside the home for around another 5 years or so.
I can be pretty slow on the up-take and despite this being the state of affairs since my maternity leave began 15 months ago, the realisation only hit me this week. Until now I have been busying myself with finding roles and labels for myself and what I do. You see I know I have value, but I have always known it through the filter of external labels. It was what I did and what the world saw me as that was valuable. Now the world sees me as a ‘Stay at home mother’ and while it is a role I relish it is (I’m being honest here) such a reductive label.
Before I go offending other mothers, let me explain. If you meet someone new and reply to ‘what do you do?’ that you are a mother people don’t ask what else you do, your opinion on current events, about your hobbies or after your current goals. Instead the assumption is made that all you are capable of discussing is your children and that the most interesting thing you do is make sandwiches and wrestle a toddler. This is NOT a whine about motherhood, but to simply point out the elephant in the room.
I love being a mum and I don’t take for granted the luxury I enjoy of staying at home with my young son. But by the same token I was a well rounded individual before I took time off to have children and that part of me still exists. I am driven and passionate, capable and adaptable and for the first time I have realised that areas of my life other than my career can benefit from these parts of me. My dreams can be the focus of my ambition.
I have a chance to live my passions -just because.
Goodbye feelings of inadequacy at not having an active career. Hello excitement at the reality of chasing the fun side of my life – now – while I am still young.
So without further ado the following is a list of goals that I will work on over the next 5 years with the same zeal that I used to apply to achieving promotions at work:
- Become fluent in Portuguese & Spanish
- Take up Trekking (New Zealand and Nepal first and Peru when my youngest is over 8 years old)
- Have a second baby
- Get married
- Learn to use food as medicine
- Live overseas
- Learn web design
My hope, and the true goal of this exercise, is that along the journey to achieving each of these goals I will have mastered the skill of deriving my worth from internal means only. How I feel, how I react, what I love, what I accept, the personal challenges I overcome and how much passion I can pour into each and every day.
Our parents’ mistakes
I am really struggling at the moment with this notion that productivity equals worth. As a society we are lengthening our work days and taking side projects like consulting, blogging and even second jobs. What I find most astounding is that it is Gen-Y who is leading the charge. What the? Yes we are in our twenties and building the foundations of our careers and indeed our lives but wasn’t it us that vowed never to repeat our parents’ mistake of putting work before fulfillment and happiness?
I feel like we are being duped. We say we are chasing our dreams and living life on our own terms – really? Hands up who dreamed as a child of working 80 hour weeks? Hands up who dreamed of feeling the need to schedule time in order to feel comfortable relaxing? It sounds a whole lot like we are chasing the job, so we feel good about our title on Linkedin and the money to buy the stuff that we see in ads and on recommendations from Twitter and Facebook.
I don’t mean to sound judgemental really I don’t. My biggest struggle when I took time off to have a baby was that I didn’t feel productive enough. But I have since detoxed from the addiction that is feeling constantly rushed and busy.
By all means chase your dreams, create your empire, but have perspective. The art of going with the flow, the skill of remaining calm in a chaotic world, the mastery of the ego’s need to feel constantly important will bode you just as well as a side project or kudos for working overtime – but they won’t break you in the process.
Secret desires
We don’t often admit (to ourselves) what we really want. If knowing what you want doesn’t terrify you and exhilarate you at the same time, then you don’t really want it.
We tell ourselves lies about what we want and justify them to others. We settle for lesser goals. We try to satisfy our appetite with more palatable pursuits. We compromise. We play it safe.
There is a popular, and flawed, theory about why we avoid our true desires. The theory suggests that we avoid what we really want because we are afraid of failure. Yes, failure sucks. I am yet to meet anybody who enjoys it. But I do know, and know of, plenty of people who relish in the memory of failure experienced and overcome. Failure is a situation, an event, an opinion, a belief. We aren’t deeply afraid of failure.
We are utterly petrified of anguish. We fear the heartbreak & the pain of watching our dreams perish before our eyes.
So often we don’t surrender to what we really wanted until we are on the brink of losing it. The aversion to the agony is stronger than the desire for the sublime reward of realising your deepest secret dream.
Don’t bite your tongue. Don’t doubt your gut. Don’t be afraid of knowing and chasing what you really want. Listen to the quiet voice within or else you might find that you started to fight way too late and only ended up with a front row seat to watch it slip away.
There will never be a right time. There will never be a perfect situation. It will never get easier, safer. Surrendering to your deepest wants will always be fraught with risk, the risk of being hurt in the deepest possible way.
Truth: I want another baby*. I realised this when the doctor told me the test was negative.
*Note – It is now a goal of mine for the next 5 years to have another baby. I won’t be trying for a baby in the immediate future though. Mum and Dad please don’t freak out.
Live your bucket list
I hear from so many young people that they don’t know what they want to do with their lives. It is such an accepted notion, yet is so utterly abstract. I don’t think many 20-somethings have really thought that sentiment through. Granted we may not know what empire we want to build or what field we will become the foremost expert in, so what? Those experts and empire-builders didn’t didn’t know in their 20′s what their life plan was either, they just started with one project and let it grow.
It baffles me why we feel the pressure to decide now – before we have uncovered our true skill sets – what we will dedicate our lives to. The odds of ‘getting it right’ straight out of high-school are stacked against us. We don’t know what we don’t know. And we don’t know who we will be in 5, let alone 10, years time. Its a much better bet to find your values, draft a loose list of things you would like to experience and move from there.
Why not live your life completing your bucket list?
I am blessed to be surrounded by amazing people, but none of them has decided what they want to do. Every single one of them has in the last 12 months been flexible and brave enough to say ‘yes’ to the next fun/challenging opportunity even though it deviated from their plans:
- Going to Law School
- Moving to a tropical paradise
- Becoming equity partner in a budding start-up
- Expanding a business
- Changing a career in fashion to a career in food
You can’t discover your secret skills and hidden talents by treading the trodden path. Stop trying to write your obituary now. Seriously, just stop it! Accept that you don’t know at 25 what will make you proud at 75 and make the best of what what is in front of you right now.
What will your next project be?
Running on empty
We all have the capacity to contain energy & vitality. We are also apt at losing vitality and energy. Healthy, happy, productive people have found the right balance between activities that boost their energy levels and ones that tax their energy levels.
There are a number of reasons for keeping your energy levels high:
- It feels better
- You are healthier when your energy levels are high
- You have the reserves available to do the things you want to do
…but there is another reason for keeping on top of things and ensuring you have bountiful energy. Murphy’s Law.
Murphy’s Law states not only that if it can go wrong it will. But also that it will go wrong in the worst possible sequence.
The scenario goes like this – You are running on empty. You no sooner finish the thought “the last thing I need right now is…” and you will get the call. If you’re anything like me then you will swear like a trooper. Then you will whine about the timing. Then you will remark about how you “just knew it would happen now”. And you did.
You knew it would happen and you knew when it would happen because you have been busy ignoring and denying the warning signs for a while now. You have put everything else higher on the priority list while your energy levels have been steadily declining. You knew it had to be dealt with, addressed, but the business of your life was put first. The dry cleaning, the errand, the overtime, the social engagement, the project, the favour, the deadline all taxed your energy and time, so energy boosting activities fell by the wayside and the domino’s began to fall.
Lesson: Know what fills your reservoir and make time for it. Guard those activities with all your might. You never know when the perfect opportunity might pass you by because you were too busy running on empty.
Spring Clean
So today is September 1; officially Spring. The time if renewal, anticipation of the fun, heat and festivities of Summer and the beginning of the end of the current year. There is nothing better than starting Spring afresh, (that goes for Autumn too, if you reside in the Northern Hemisphere) using this transitory season to get things sorted, ordered, cleaned, organised and lined up in a row.
I’m not talking just about cleaning the junk out of old cupboards, but spring cleaning your loose ends, relationships, projects and goals. For me, knowing that I am on track and that I wont end up on New Years Eve making the resolution to sort out this years messes is liberating and leaves me feeling positive. Leaving it to the start of Summer and I always feel like I am playing catch up.
So without further ado, my internal Spring Clean.
- Tick the completed items off your someday list*
- Add any new items to your someday list*
- Delete anything that has been sitting on your ‘to-do’ list for longer than a month – its not that important. Or move it to your someday list* f it is.
- Scroll through the contacts on your mobile/email/Facebook. Message anyone you have been meaning to catch up with.
- Delete any old contacts on your mobile/email/Facebook that you no longer need.
- Review your 2009 goals. Amend them if they aren’t relevant. Action plan them if they are.
- Think of your close friends. Are there any rifts, favours, borrowed items etc that can be repaired or returned? If so, do it.
- If you haven’t spoken to you Mum/Grandmother for longer than a month, call them already!
Now to the hard part. For this you need to be honest with yourself.
- Think of all the things that make you genuinely sad. Make a list. For each of the items decide if there is something you can do to make the situation any better, if so do it. If there is nothing you can do then pray/meditate or whatever you do to make peace with the situation.
- Repeat for Angry, Depressed, Hurt, Guilty, Fearful, Lonely, Rejected, Jealous & Frustrated.
I’d love to hear how you go with this, or what you like to do at the turn of the seasons.
* A Someday list is an adaptation of the ‘Someday/Maybe’ items in David Allens’s How To Get Things Done organisational system. A book I highly recommend. In essence anything that you would like to do some day & any project you would like to begin but don’t currently have the time, resources or inclination to begin belong on this list.
Life
It’s not always fair. In fact it rarely is. It favours the brave, the ambitious, the unencumbered, the blinkered and the tunnel visioned. So if you have loved ones, hobbies, are compassionate, have children, see the bigger picture beyond your wants – you have some tough decisions to make.
The ghastly thing about tough decisions (a.k.a big scary adult decisions) is that the pay off for bravely facing the hard truth and making a considered decision is… well, not much. These are the decisions you make behind closed doors, alone or with your partner. They aren’t broadcast on Twitter, they don’t become blog fodder and its not something you chit-chat about over drinks. Nobody pats you on the back for putting your family first, you don’t get a medal for walking away from a dodgy offer, no one gives you kudos for considering the consequences, being compassionate and doing the right thing.
The pay of we get for smiling through the tears, working our fingers to the bone, fitting yet more into an already overstretched work week or family budget, for passing up an opportunity in order to spend time with your kids, for taking a career break to work for Legal Aid, for supporting your partner in their dreams, for overseeing the care of ailing loved ones, for working 2 part time jobs to afford medical school? Your sense of self.
For those whose life will not be dedicated to setting the world on fire, founding charities or fortune 500 companies, for whom the sweetness of life will not be accolades, positive press, awards and making history, the pay off is something almost spiritual. To know your heart was big enough to love despite the sacrifices, to know you were humble enough to celebrate the small successes, graceful enough to smile through the tears and wise enough to see the meaning in it all.
A balanced heart
Balance in relationships is ideal. Everybody wants to be in a mature, loving, supportive relationship where both partners benefit equally. The dream goes like this; both people get their needs met, they get unconditional love, boundless support, brunches on Sundays, in-jokes, fond memories, a reliable plus one for obligatory events, someone to do the housework they hate, a cuddle on the couch and a warm body in bed.
Perfect, right? Except…
Except love isn’t ‘unuconditional’ if it is only present when things are balanced. Except boundless support means support in the face of imbalance. Except a couple’s needs aren’t always the same or equal.
What happens to the relationship when one person’s needs are bigger, stronger or more urgent? What happens when one partner cannot be as supportive due to illness, addiction or being in the military? What happens when ailing parents or children throw the axis off?
A mature, loving, supportive relationship means that sacrifices are made, concessions are given & needs are prioritised. No two people (not even twins) grow in perfect synchronicity. So, if both partners are benefiting equally then they are having their wings clipped.
The most loving, relationship affirming thing I have ever done was to put my personal ambitions on the back-burner to dedicate myself to supporting my partner’s goals, loves, dreams and schedule. It is also the most humbling, ego-deflating, trusting, counter-intuitive decisions I have ever made.
Lesson: Love is not tit for tat, clean, orderly or balanced. Learn to find the harmony in the imbalance.
What makes you happy?
You may think it’s your job. You may think it’s your family. You may think it’s hanging out with friends. You may think it’s playing sport. You may think it’s creating music. You’re probably wrong.
If you think it is your job that makes you happy, consider the fate of your happiness when you retire, take time off to raise a family or become ill. If you think your family is the sole source of your happiness then what happens when you move interstate, there is a divorce or you become responsible for ailing parents? If you think you are happy because you are sporty and very physical then what happens when you are injured, too busy or on the off-season?
Your happiness is derived from expressing who you are and embodying your values.
Most of us have it backward. We fail to make the important distinction between the task/experience and the meaning we ascribe to it. We believe family makes us happy but really it is the compassion, support, solidarity, love that we experience in familial bonds that make us happy. I have written about this before; we can experience these things with anybody we feel an affinity with, not exclusively our ‘family’.
I am as guilty as anyone in this area. I have, in the not so distant past, proudly worn the label workaholic. (I was never really a workaholic. There is a huge difference between luv luv luving your work and being addicted to working. Holly Hoffman wrote a great post about this recently.) Never the less I was pulling 55-60 hour weeks when I was over 6 months pregnant. I was even consulting on the day my baby was due. I really ‘loved’ my work. So as a new Mum, with no KPIs, to-do lists, praise from superiors and clients I felt totally lost. I was on call 24/7 to the hardest task-master I had ever encountered, but I was still longing for something.
In reality it wasn’t my job that used to make me happy. It was the opportunity to exceed expectations, challenge myself, achieve goals, nurture others & be intellectually stimulated that my job provided that made me happy. Working is not the only way I can fulfill those needs and express those parts of myself. I now achieve them raising my son, volunteering, helping family and friends, reading & blogging.
When we identify specifically what about our family, jobs and hobbies that ‘make us happy’ we wield an amazing power. We can un-tether our happiness from the title on our business card, the state of our family and our social calendars. When we know what really makes us happy the world really becomes our oyster because we can fulfill our values in more ways than we currently imagine. You may be totally fulfilled living on a tropical island teaching the local children english – who knows.
When we understand the mechanics of our happiness we can achieve it in more creative, and often less stressful, ways. For example a young ‘workaholic’ who remains in the office until 8pm because they value contributing, status and achievement could leave the office at 5 and spend the next 3 hours working on a charity close to their heart and be equally as, if not more, fulfilled. A 55 year old man who wants to but refuses to retire for fear of losing his status and losing the stimulation of work could mentor the next generation of workers or volunteer his time.
What I know for sure is that most of us avoid identifying what really makes us happy for one reason: when you identify what makes you happy you also take responsibility for your own happiness. Do you dare know the key to your happiness?
Be careful what you wish for…
…because it just might come true.
“Whatever is the problem with that?” you may ask, wistfully dreaming of sun-baking surrounded by beauties whilst someone else is parking your sports car/arranging your designer shoe collection by colour. Well, nothing in part… except for the secondary consequences you may not have considered.
Allow me to illustrate my point with some personal examples. A few years back I wished for a challenge. I was pining for something new that felt just right. Something challenging and rewarding. I though it might be a new qualification, an extension to my practice or a new therapy. Instead I fell pregnant. Yup. A baby. Granted motherhood is both challenging and rewarding but the secondary consequences included nappy changes, breastfeeding through the night and well a life turned generally upside down.
Another good example is when I was 18-21 all I wished for was some serenity. My life was a huge drama, verging on directly competing with The Bold and the Beautiful. I was either elated, anguished, anxious or irresponsibly cavalier. All I wished for was a way to be calm and grounded. To be one of those people who seemed to take life in their stride, without fuss or resorting to extremes. What I realised, just recently (read last week) was that I had achieved my wish. I realised that I am best described as calm and centered at the exact moment I was lamenting (read whinging) that I had lost my ‘Raaaa’. You know the in-your-face confidence, the arrogance of your limitations, the general boisterous-grab-life-by-the-balls-and-manipulate-and-fight-until-it-looks-like-you-think-it-oughta vibe.
The secondary consequences of my serenity were the loss of my false bravado (Raaaa) to be replaced by a much less flashy quiet confidence, the acceptance of my humanity and the limitations that accompany it & a humility that recognises that I don’t have all the answers.
In short, while you are alive you will always be learning and refining your wishes and wants. Regardless of what you wish for and achieve you will be, at least in part, dissatisfied with the outcome. You will always want something different, something more, something befitting the new you.
Lesson: You always get what you ordered. If you’re whining about the present then you are best served to look at the past and honour just how far you have come. This is what the you of yester-year wished for.
Have you experienced any unexpected consequences of getting what you always wanted?
Solid ground
Getting your footing is a double edged sword. It is a beginning and an end. A life raft & a trap. It is a welcome reprieve from running in shifting sand, the earth crumbling beneath you, keeping you moving constantly searching out something firmer, safer. Ironically, as soon as we feel solid ground beneath our weary feet and calm breathing replaces our panicked panting we begin to move again. Even if we are taking a well trodden path there is no telling when the earth beneath our feet will give way again. Or else we stay here too long, clinging to the relative safety until the wind and weather erodes our rock and the earth shifts beneath us yet again.
For the longest part of my teenage years I never wanted the house in the suburbs, the husband or the kids. The prospect of my life revolving around nappy changes, bills and constant compromising of my wants and needs crushed my burgeoning spirit. Yet here I am. The perfect lesson of ‘you become what you most fear’. But I’m happy none the less. Proof that when you release your judgements you can learn to love anything.
I took a few Big risks around 19-20, they blew a massive hole in my life plan – the solid ground gave way to shifting sand. I found safe ground when the first risk paid off with a solid career in banking. I ran head long into shifting sand when I moved interstate, abandoning my career, to begin life with my boyfriend of 4 months (my second risk). I found solid ground again and really enjoyed our time in self imposed exile together. Since then the earth has fallen away and I have ran to and from solid ground many times.
Something I know for sure is that if you get too comfortable somewhere your rock will turn to sand and force you to move on, to grow.
I feel like I have been on solid ground for a little while now and I am feeling the gentle warning tremors on the earth readying itself to move. In the past I have been the one to run into the next challenge. From the outside looking in I’m told it appears fearless (or stupid). In reality it is a compulsion to grow & develop.
This time I find myself wanting to cling to now; to watch my son at this beautiful age forever, to live by the beach, to continue to have family as our focus as we quietly build the foundations of our lives. But alas, the winds of change are rustling in the leaves. I don’t know what they will bring.
