Archive for the ‘Dreams’ Category
Thursday, March 4th, 2010
A dear friend posted a blog asking us what out 16-year-old self would think about our lives now. My 16-year-old self wouldn’t think anything about my life now. She would be seeing red, steam pouring form here ears busily hating on and writing off my life. No, I am not kidding.
My 16 year old self was a feminist & punk. I happily sported a leather dog collar, totally clueless as to its BDSM symbolism of submission (something in my naivety I would have considered anti-feminist). I was a card-carrying member of a radical political organisation, who believed that ‘awareness’, achieved via protests and the liberal use of soap boxes, was the answer to all life’s ills. I despised the suburban life and the ‘white picket fence’. I flatly refused to cook believing that is was a shackle that kept modern women attached to the feminine mystique and preferred to be addressed as ‘Conrad’ because it was genderless, and as such freed me from gender stereotyping.
I was convinced that I would never marry. Not only because I thought of the institution of marriage as unnecessary (we at least some things never change), but because I aspired to running my relationships the way ‘men did’ – all satisfaction and no commitment. After all the feminist way is to live my life the way a man would, only better. Right? I intended on adopting one child later in my career orientated life. Adoption, because there are plenty of orphans that require love and care, and also because I believed the pain of labour and the inconvenience of pregnancy to be an unfair burden on women.
In short my 16-year-old self was wrong in so many ways. She simply didn’t have the references or framework to apply her feminist views to the real world. She thought feminist was to be devoid of femininity and to shun inherently feminine experiences.
She would disown me now. She, like many a young woman, wanted true equality in life but had no role-models to show her how. She would judge my choice to marry, to have a baby, to exit the work force to raise my son, to live in the suburbs, to cook daily and whole heartedly support my family. She would say my choices are not my own, that I have allowed society to dictate my role and thus devalue my true worth. And she would be wrong. But she earned me my freedom. Her investigations into the power dynamics of society bestowed me the room to make my choices consciously – the real gift of feminism.
Tags: Feminist, Judgement, Motherhood, Motivation, Youth
Posted in Dreams, Femininity, Life, Motherhood, The unspoken, Womanhood | No Comments »
Friday, February 5th, 2010
I grew up very cynical about love, and men in general I guess. Marriage to me was an outdated institution that held no real meaning or value any more (I mean women can own property now and all). Most people exchange their ‘I do’s’ oblivious to the irony that family or familia originally meant ‘the totality of slaves belonging to any one man’. Without dredging up the old revolutionary rhetoric of my youth it suffices to say that a marriage certificate was never on my to do list.
It seems that about 6 months ago the world turned on it’s axis. And pigs flew. And hell froze over. Cupid took control and wreaked his special kind of havoc in our lives. Not just mine, but the lives of my best friends as well. Under cupid’s rule we were thrust into the center of a delicious kind of chaos that we each dreaded and relish at the same time; Love. Romantic love.
None of us are particularly sappy women. I would happily walk through the valley of death with these two women because I am confident that the three of us would be the baddest crew in the valley. None of us are untouched by tragedy or sacrifice. We don’t play the fool, the damsel or the victim and none of us ever believed the hallmark ideal or in happy endings. But it seems as though we will play Cinderella despite ourselves.
Six months ago I set a wedding date. No need for congratulations, I had already been engaged for over 3 years at that point, I just finally bit the bullet and decided to go through with it. Around the same time one of my best friends walked away from an AMAZING career and chose another path, which has led her though a whirlwind romance with a wonderful man. I mean she has been hired twice, sight unseen, on the strength of her resumé alone and yet has flourished despite her career being demoted in her list of priorities. And just last week my other BFF replaced her 10 year title as ‘Girlfriend’ with the shiny new one ‘Fiance’ despite never expecting to marry her wonderful beau.
I don’t know where cupid is going with all this, and I can’t speak for the others, but I hope that I manage to make my wedding something meaningful to me. Something that reflects my relationship with myself and my partner. I won’t be saying ‘I do’ but instead agreeing to kick his sorry ass when he needs a reality check and promising not to walk away when our ugliness comes out, which it inevitably will in a long-term relationship. I hope in those few minutes before we walk down the aisle (my friends are also bridesmaids, of course) that I don’t feel alien in my Ivory dress and my Cinderella moment, but instead feel the dawning of a new age; where fulfilled women choose evolved relationships with worthy men.
Tags: Connection, Family, Friendship, Love, Womanhood
Posted in Dreams, Femininity, Grace, Life, Relationships, Womanhood | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
Your whole world can change in a minute. A second, even. A single decision can shape your life. Or at least I used to think so. Now days before the ‘noughties’ comes to a close I’m not so sure.
A decade ago, today, I was faced with the biggest challenge of my life. No I am not talking about a regular rite of passage either. It was traumatic. I knew right then that my life had changed forever. But it took days, months and even years for the fallout to settle and for all of the consequences to manifest. I spent years putting my life back together. I was certain, absolutely certain, that some of the changes were irrevocable. I was sure, and told many times, that this one event would define and dominate my life forever. That a decision (made by someone else no less) had changed me.
We were wrong. The tragedy has been totally erased from my life. All that remains are faint physical scars. Yes I have been changed by the experience. I am stronger and wiser than I would have been otherwise. But the essence of who I am, and indeed, who I was always going to be never changed. The things that define me now, the corner stones of my life, are the things I was told as a result of the tragedy I would never achieve.
Like a bubbling stream we move around the boulders in our path, ever flowing towards the ocean. The path of least resistance, our natural desire, delivers us time and time again to where we were always going to go. No boulder can harm the stream or define it, and in time the water will wear it down until that boulder is indistinguishable from the rest of the pebbles.
A decade ago, today, I was faced with the biggest challenge of my life. Looking back it was no different to every other challenge – it just took longer to overcome.
Tags: Challenge, Desire, Dreams, Lessons, Observations, Personal Growth, Self Awareness
Posted in Dreams, Grace, Life, Personal Development | No Comments »
Monday, November 9th, 2009
Goals are so very chic right now. It is normal to be working overtime, freelancing or consulting on top of your 9 to 5 gig. It is more and more common for people to own their own businesses or to be undertaking graduate study whilst working ‘full time’. These things are almost not considered a goal anymore. They are just what you do. Goals are what we do on top of these miraculous feats.
But more often than not goals are somewhat random end states that we consciously nominate, based on who we think we are at that time and who we think we want to be. Which in and of itself shouldn’t be a bad thing, right? Maybe. The catch is that most often we really don’t know what we want. We have a good idea of things that might make us happy. We know what would make our families proud. We know what would make our colleagues jealous. We know what we are interested in. So we make a guesstimate, at best, call it a goal and flog ourselves until we reach it. Not sounding quite so glamorous now is it?
I am not against goals. I am a coach. I spend a lot of time helping others to set goals.I also spend a lot of time looking into a person’s unconscious motivation, secondary gains, values, experiences, beliefs, fears and ego before I help them set a goal. Why? Why don’t I just write down the first goal that comes to their mind? Or the biggest goal they can think of? Or prescribe the most enviable, ostentatious goal applicable?
Because anybody can set a big goal and achieve it.
There is nothing special about big goals. Anybody can set the goal of working for themselves and achieve it. Anybody can set a goal of buying a luxury car. Anybody can travel around Europe. Anybody can plan a beautiful wedding. Anybody can get their body into shape. Very few can achieve a goal based solely in the ego and feel satisfied and happy at the end.
On the other hand very few people have the guts and humility to set a goal that has real and deep meaning for them and to work on that regardless of how it is perceived from the outside. Very few have the willingness to admit that really makes their heart flutter and to set about achieving it. So few are prepared to chase their dharma especially if it is something unglamorous like becoming a green keeper, raising children or nursing.
The easy ways to know your goal is not just serving your ego:
- Are you drawn to it like a moth to a flame?
- Are the steps towards your goal enjoyable?
- Do you find your weaknesses become strengths in the face of this goal?
- Do you find it hard to articulate why you want the goal, because it is just so elemental to your make up?
- Do you feel as though the stars are aligned & that the road to your goal has been blessed?
We don’t know who we will be in 5 years. We don’t know what we will regret later in life. We don’t know what we will be proud of at 75. We don’t know if we will enjoy something until we do it. Our experience is so very limited and we don’t know what we don’t know. We can’t trust our ego on these matters. We can trust our heart.
Tags: Challenge, Coaching, Desire, Dreams, Happiness, Personal Growth, Self Awareness
Posted in Coaching, Dreams, Personal Development | No Comments »
Monday, October 12th, 2009
So many people, not just young people, are thwarted by their desire to ‘do good’ in the world. At the heart of the matter is the concept that in order to have a positive impact on the world they must be important, well known, powerful and highly influential. The belief often goes that in order to ‘do good’ we must first be a CEO, a millionaire, found a charity, be Oprah, have articles written about us and have 1000’s of fans and admirers of our work.
Yes this is one blueprint of how to have a positive impact on the world, but only one. The ways to positively affect the world are as individual as you are. Literally. Doctors heal the sick. Charities help those in need, raise awareness of issues we don’t want to look at and lobby governments. Research scientists work to eradicate diseases and to prevent the often deadly spread of those we can’t yet squash. Other researchers help us understand ourselves more, our communities better and lay the foundation for the way forward. Inventors create new ways of doing things – safer, better ways. Builders, well, build… houses, schools, hospitals and ramps for wheelchair access.
But the essence of doing good is that it brings joy, peace, happiness, compassion or mercy to the world. Doing good reduces violence and intolerance, prejudice and ignorance. Doing good can be raising a child, baking a pie, making music, playing, or inventing something so useful it is revolutionary, like this. Doing good has absolutely nothing to do with age; Louis Braille had developed and refined his ingenious code by the time he was just fifteen. Doing good has everything to do with the intention and willingness to give of yourself in an authentic way.
Stop trying to change the world. Stop believing that the only truly worthwhile life is one lived in the spotlight. Stop being so afraid that you will amount to nothing that you miss the opportunity to make a difference, however small today. Humility has the power to change the world.
Tags: Desire, Doing good, Emotions, Inspiration, Lessons
Posted in Dreams, Life | 2 Comments »
Monday, September 28th, 2009
I have been described as kaleidoscopic before. And I tend to agree with the description. I have many facets and in isolation it would be easy to see nothing but a bag of contradictions. For example:
- I am good at setting and enforcing boundaries but I will move mountains for the benefit of my family (even if means I encroach my boundaries a little, or a lot.)
- I have no problem pissing people off and upsetting them standing up for myself but more and more I can justify less and less occasions where I pissing others off
- I give no weight to convention, just because others have done it before me doesn’t make it right, necessary or better but I am getting married, at least in part, for conventions sake
- I am a super calm person who handles stress well yet I break down into borderline panic attacks when I go to plan my wedding
- I am not materialistic and competitive but I fear I may have a bridezilla lurking inside of me that is
Can you see a pattern emerging? Let me spell it out for you. I am a normal, healthy, happy, reasonable, capable, compassionate, down to earth, confident woman except when it comes to all things wedding planning.
Just writing this post has me biting my nails. Is it any wonder that I have been engaged for 4 years without so much as throwing an engagement party or setting a wedding date?
What crazy thing is your Achilles heel?
Tags: Challenge, Emotions, Family, Happiness
Posted in Dreams, Grace, Life | 2 Comments »
Friday, September 18th, 2009
It is at once liberating and disconcerting to realise that I don’t have to work. Mind you, I am a full time carer to my son and run the household in much the same way as an office manager runs a business, but I don’t need to go back to work outside the home for around another 5 years or so.
I can be pretty slow on the up-take and despite this being the state of affairs since my maternity leave began 15 months ago, the realisation only hit me this week. Until now I have been busying myself with finding roles and labels for myself and what I do. You see I know I have value, but I have always known it through the filter of external labels. It was what I did and what the world saw me as that was valuable. Now the world sees me as a ‘Stay at home mother’ and while it is a role I relish it is (I’m being honest here) such a reductive label.
Before I go offending other mothers, let me explain. If you meet someone new and reply to ‘what do you do?’ that you are a mother people don’t ask what else you do, your opinion on current events, about your hobbies or after your current goals. Instead the assumption is made that all you are capable of discussing is your children and that the most interesting thing you do is make sandwiches and wrestle a toddler. This is NOT a whine about motherhood, but to simply point out the elephant in the room.
I love being a mum and I don’t take for granted the luxury I enjoy of staying at home with my young son. But by the same token I was a well rounded individual before I took time off to have children and that part of me still exists. I am driven and passionate, capable and adaptable and for the first time I have realised that areas of my life other than my career can benefit from these parts of me. My dreams can be the focus of my ambition.
I have a chance to live my passions -just because.
Goodbye feelings of inadequacy at not having an active career. Hello excitement at the reality of chasing the fun side of my life – now – while I am still young.
So without further ado the following is a list of goals that I will work on over the next 5 years with the same zeal that I used to apply to achieving promotions at work:
- Become fluent in Portuguese & Spanish
- Take up Trekking (New Zealand and Nepal first and Peru when my youngest is over 8 years old)
- Have a second baby
- Get married
- Learn to use food as medicine
- Live overseas
- Learn web design
My hope, and the true goal of this exercise, is that along the journey to achieving each of these goals I will have mastered the skill of deriving my worth from internal means only. How I feel, how I react, what I love, what I accept, the personal challenges I overcome and how much passion I can pour into each and every day.
Tags: Challenge, Desire, Dreams, Family, Inspiration, Motherhood, Motivation, Personal Growth
Posted in Dreams, Femininity, Life, Motherhood, Personal Development | 4 Comments »
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
I am really struggling at the moment with this notion that productivity equals worth. As a society we are lengthening our work days and taking side projects like consulting, blogging and even second jobs. What I find most astounding is that it is Gen-Y who is leading the charge. What the? Yes we are in our twenties and building the foundations of our careers and indeed our lives but wasn’t it us that vowed never to repeat our parents’ mistake of putting work before fulfillment and happiness?
I feel like we are being duped. We say we are chasing our dreams and living life on our own terms – really? Hands up who dreamed as a child of working 80 hour weeks? Hands up who dreamed of feeling the need to schedule time in order to feel comfortable relaxing? It sounds a whole lot like we are chasing the job, so we feel good about our title on Linkedin and the money to buy the stuff that we see in ads and on recommendations from Twitter and Facebook.
I don’t mean to sound judgemental really I don’t. My biggest struggle when I took time off to have a baby was that I didn’t feel productive enough. But I have since detoxed from the addiction that is feeling constantly rushed and busy.
By all means chase your dreams, create your empire, but have perspective. The art of going with the flow, the skill of remaining calm in a chaotic world, the mastery of the ego’s need to feel constantly important will bode you just as well as a side project or kudos for working overtime – but they won’t break you in the process.
Tags: Balance, Challenge, Desire, Dreams, Facebook, Happiness, Technology, Youth
Posted in Balance, Dreams, Grace, Life | No Comments »
Monday, September 14th, 2009
We don’t often admit (to ourselves) what we really want. If knowing what you want doesn’t terrify you and exhilarate you at the same time, then you don’t really want it.
We tell ourselves lies about what we want and justify them to others. We settle for lesser goals. We try to satisfy our appetite with more palatable pursuits. We compromise. We play it safe.
There is a popular, and flawed, theory about why we avoid our true desires. The theory suggests that we avoid what we really want because we are afraid of failure. Yes, failure sucks. I am yet to meet anybody who enjoys it. But I do know, and know of, plenty of people who relish in the memory of failure experienced and overcome. Failure is a situation, an event, an opinion, a belief. We aren’t deeply afraid of failure.
We are utterly petrified of anguish. We fear the heartbreak & the pain of watching our dreams perish before our eyes.
So often we don’t surrender to what we really wanted until we are on the brink of losing it. The aversion to the agony is stronger than the desire for the sublime reward of realising your deepest secret dream.
Don’t bite your tongue. Don’t doubt your gut. Don’t be afraid of knowing and chasing what you really want. Listen to the quiet voice within or else you might find that you started to fight way too late and only ended up with a front row seat to watch it slip away.
There will never be a right time. There will never be a perfect situation. It will never get easier, safer. Surrendering to your deepest wants will always be fraught with risk, the risk of being hurt in the deepest possible way.
Truth: I want another baby*. I realised this when the doctor told me the test was negative.
*Note – It is now a goal of mine for the next 5 years to have another baby. I won’t be trying for a baby in the immediate future though. Mum and Dad please don’t freak out.
Tags: Challenge, Desire, Dreams, Emotions, Failure, Lessons, Motivation
Posted in Dreams, Life, Personal Development | No Comments »
Monday, September 7th, 2009
I hear from so many young people that they don’t know what they want to do with their lives. It is such an accepted notion, yet is so utterly abstract. I don’t think many 20-somethings have really thought that sentiment through. Granted we may not know what empire we want to build or what field we will become the foremost expert in, so what? Those experts and empire-builders didn’t didn’t know in their 20’s what their life plan was either, they just started with one project and let it grow.
It baffles me why we feel the pressure to decide now – before we have uncovered our true skill sets – what we will dedicate our lives to. The odds of ‘getting it right’ straight out of high-school are stacked against us. We don’t know what we don’t know. And we don’t know who we will be in 5, let alone 10, years time. Its a much better bet to find your values, draft a loose list of things you would like to experience and move from there.
Why not live your life completing your bucket list?
I am blessed to be surrounded by amazing people, but none of them has decided what they want to do. Every single one of them has in the last 12 months been flexible and brave enough to say ‘yes’ to the next fun/challenging opportunity even though it deviated from their plans:
- Going to Law School
- Moving to a tropical paradise
- Becoming equity partner in a budding start-up
- Expanding a business
- Changing a career in fashion to a career in food
You can’t discover your secret skills and hidden talents by treading the trodden path. Stop trying to write your obituary now. Seriously, just stop it! Accept that you don’t know at 25 what will make you proud at 75 and make the best of what what is in front of you right now.
What will your next project be?
Tags: Dreams, Happiness, Inspiration, Personal Growth, Youth
Posted in Dreams, Life, Personal Development | No Comments »
