Fascinating

Capable of arousing and holding attention.

Capturing interest as if by a spell – bewitching.

I don’t know a woman who wouldn’t love to be considered a ‘fascinating woman’. The art of captivating others is more than a charming skill; it is a quality of spirit. There is no higher compliment, no greater task than to be so authentically you in all your intricacies that others feel compelled to watch, to be near you, to learn what it is that makes you tick.

The catch 22 is that if you are concerned with charming others, being the life of the party, being liked, being admired & being interesting then you are probably not being authentic. You may however come across as 2 dimensional, a try hard and particularly non-fascinating.

A truly fascinating woman is happy to follow her desires. She speaks her mind. She expresses her authentic emotions. She is high maintenance. She is unapologetically herself. She is not consistent. She doesn’t pander to popular opinion. She goes with the flow, but not necessarily the flow of the masses. She is unafraid of upsetting others, but she is not intentionally inflammatory.

The trick is that most of us modern women lack some of the foundational keystones to being a fascination woman; being self assured and the ability to flow with our feminine nature.

I know I am not the only one guilty of listening to a band, or reading a book (or even pretending we have) because it is so very chic’. So many women dutifully trawl the magazine pages to construct their wardrobes. Forgetting that, dressing to suit their personalities and shapes, the style icons didn’t follow trends – they started them. We adopt a seriousness designed for the workplace and allow it to permeate other areas of our lives and end up allowing that very seriousness to extinguish our playfulness. In the end we look like we stepped from a magazine spread, drinking cosmos in a tight little huddle as we compare, contrast and analyse the men in the bar as opposed to chatting to them.

A fascinating woman is mysterious, but not unattainable. She is open and warm. She radiates a vibe that draws others to her; it is possible effortless to talk to her. Fascinating women are interested in others and are great conversationalists because they don’t give everything away.

Fascinating is the reason I think we have the best night when it is not planned and that we tend to attract a man when we aren’t looking for one. When we are happy being ourselves with reckless abandon, when we aren’t worried about what others think of us & when we aren’t trying to change the situation we are fascinating.

Facebook’s saving grace

It took me forever to embrace Facebook. Now I use it daily, but initially I had no intention of using it. I saw no point in publicly messaging friends I would much rather call or have coffee with. The lure of seeing what old school classmates were doing and voyeuristically peering at their personal photos seemed creepy to me.

But alas, a friend posted the photos of her newborn on Facebook and I had to become a ‘Friend’ to view them. So I manically created a profile planning on deleting it as soon as I had seen her beautiful baby. It didn’t quite pan out that way – I spelt my own name wrong, and couldn’t figure out how to delete the damn profile before my friends found me.

Since that fateful day I have witnessed Facebook bring out the worst in people the way a 50% sale does in shopaholics. We passively view each other lives, post and make comments on the drunken photos, judge people by the size of their friends list and post photos of our engagement rings as profile pictures. Although Facebook can be used for good the lure of the dark side is just so powerful. There are apps that force you to inflict random, often unflattering, polls on your friends in order to view the results of a poll about you.

Despite the darkness interwoven in Facebook we have an uneasy truce. An old photo was posted of me on Facebook. Initially I was mortified. Not just in the ‘OMG I don’t believe I wore that’ way either. This photo was taken from a time when I used to sing country music and line dance every Tuesday night. (I don’t believe I admitted that in a blog)  Worse still was the fact that the other girls in the picture were all more beautiful, skinnier and more talented than me.

Then I actually looked at the picture. I looked at the figures on the screen and not the images as tainted by memory. I glowed with genuine joy, I looked innocent, beautiful and nothing like the chubby girl in my mind. I was flabbergasted. I had never seen myself that way before. Facebook’s saving grace – it reflects you. Good, bad or ugly.

Quarter-Life consolidation

I am sitting on the couch in front of my beloved laptop thinking, desperately thinking of a reason to celebrate. You see I just poured myself a class of bubbly. I wanted a glass of wine to go with my chocolate but there was no open bottle so I settle for a piccolo of Champagne that has been sitting in the fridge since my baby was born. I am drinking it out of the only Champagne flute I own which is oh so tackily decorated with glittery hearts and a big number 18; a memento from my 18^th birthday.

Queue my favorite CD refusing to play. So I’m forced to go and get the only CD’s that don’t live in the garage. An old CD wallet from when I was 18. Maybe 18 is the theme here; except I celebrated my 18^th 7 years ago. I am turning 25.

Yes I am ‘still young’ and yes I am often told I am ‘old for my years’. The essence of it though is that I have made more mistakes and navigated more emotional minefields than some twice my age. Here are my humble observations and lessons hard won from the past quarter century:

1. I feel much better when I sing out loud
2. Less is more
3. I am not defined by my resume, address, job, family, my body or anything else
4. Flaws are beautiful. Curves are sexy
5. You don’t always get what you want; which is great because what we ‘want’ usually isn’t what will make us truly happy
6. Life is too short not to eat chocolate
7. Its not daggy to love old music; ok it is but I don’t care
8. Unless a single look from your man makes you feel secure; he isn’t the one for you
9. Fixing the world isn’t my responsibility. Tending to my corner of it is.
10. Cooking is easy once you know how
11. I always have a choice
12. ‘hating’ isn’t helpful
13. Our parent’s did the best they could; just as I do for my son
14. Friendship is a priceless gift and its worth working for
15. I always have enough money but sometimes I spend it on the wrong things
16. You never see yourself for what you are; that comes with hindsight
17. No-one is a mind reader. If you need it or want it ask!
18. There is no ‘right way’. There is however ‘my way’
19. Experience is truly the best teacher
20. If everybody likes you; you’re probably not really being true to yourself
21. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing
22. There is a difference between judgment and discernment
23. Fears are tissue paper thin. Once you do it you wonder what you were afraid of
24. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Forgiveness does.
25. Sex is definitely better than chocolate; I don’t care how good the chocolate is

I will probably disagree with many of these in another 25 years and laugh at my youthful naivete. We’ll see.

Big Yellow Taxi

After a (minor) melt down Saturday morning (There is only so much of a teething baby one I can take without a break) my loving and supportive partner took the darling little bundle on some errands while I went for a coffee.

I chose a quiet corner of Gloria Jeans and let up my laptop, note pad and coffee. Not 5 minutes later 4 girls arrived and sat across from me. All of a sudden the corner was not so quiet. For the most part I ignored them and got on with my work. An hour and a half later, when my concentration was waning and they were loudly singing to “Big Yellow Taxi”, I surrendered and began to observe them.

They piqued my attention because I sang that song, the original version which I am sure they don’t know exists, when I was around their age. Looking at them they are strikingly similar to my teenage friendship group; loud, obnoxious, all front, terribly insecure and they feel totally adult.

Surprisingly I find these girls very comforting; they are living reminders of how far I’ve come in the past decade. On the other hand the scene saddens me a little.

Their outfits were carefully constructed to appear casual, their make-up applied to look natural,  their laughter was forced & fake, the bravado false, they never really made eye contact, even with each other, & the body language was defensive and fidgety even amognst the obviously familiar company. Is this just indicative of the experience of a teenager or are our young girls trying to embody what they are inherently not ready for? Womanhood.

I discussed the experience with a close girlfriend of mine (we will call her Elle) on the weekend and she had a similar reaction. We both acutely remember the insecurity, inadequacy, the feeling of not quite fitting in with even your best friends & thinking that you are the only one who feels that way. Both Elle and I remember not having any clear role-models and the scarcity of information to help us navigate our own inner landscape.

So is the mix of comfort and sadness I feel just a product of my inner dichotomies or is it a reflection of something deeper? I’m not sure. Part of me (my dichotomies again) thinks that if we have outstanding role models for young girls and a medium for girls to access them, then the teenage journey may be less daunting. On the other hand perhaps the awkwardness of our youth has made us the women we are today.

Maybe I am only remembering the less than fun parts of my teenage years and forgetting all the fun I had.

Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” – Big Yellow Taxi
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A step in the right direction

I am beginning to believe that we no longer know what a woman’s body looks like. It sounds like I am about to begin a soap-box tirade about the beauty myth and the beauty industry and honestly- I’m not. That argument has gotten old. We all know that the current idea of ‘beauty’ is unrealistic. If that is news to you let me know what rock you have been hiding under – it is the best hiding spot on the planet.

The practices of digitally re-creating already beautiful women has been the subject of many an expose. As Jennifer Romolini of Shine put it recently:

We know you attach your cover models’ heads to skinnier bodies. We know you slim down their thighs and their noses and you lighten their skin. We know you smooth out all of the facial “imperfections” that make them look human. We’re tired of fembots. We can handle the truth.

I couldn’t agree more. I would postulate that many of us don’t know what a real woman’s body looks like anymore. We all (most women I know) believe our bodies are freakishly abnormal in some way; lamenting the ways we don’t live up to the impossible ideal. Understandably so, when the only comparisons we have are to catwalk models, photo-shopped magazine shoots or surgically enhanced porn stars.

While I can appreciate the beauty of the images we are presented I challenge that they represent any reality that can be maintained without cosmetic surgery, specialist make-up artists, stylists, lighting designers, control underwear, dietitians, chefs, personal trainers and often retouching professionals. Even the images touted as ‘natural’ often need a handful of professionals to create.

In a culture that could almost do away with real women in favour of infinitely more perfect digitally created ones, I take my hat off to French Elle and the amazing women who chose to pose as their real selves. April’s issue of Elle celebrates women in their true beauty; no makeup and no retouching. Granted the (brave and inspiring) women are lit beautifully by talented lighting designers and the photographer is worth his/her weight in gold and they are wearing loose clothes that hide the so-called ‘imperfections’ of a real woman’s body, but heck they look like a woman should!

I am looking forward to Australian and American publications following this example and wistfully dreaming of the day when it is accepted that real women have bellies & stretchmarks*, asymmetrical breasts**, blemishes and beautiful intricacies.

* & **Please note that these links contain images of partial, tasteful & non-sexual, nudity that may not be appropriate for viewing at work or by sensative readers.