More certain, not more prepared
I was a super prepared mum-to-be. Borderline obsessive. My midwife commented a number of times during my labour that I was simply ‘too composed’ for a first time Mum. My birth was so tranquil that no one knew when I had hit transition.
I had done my homework and yet there were a million things I was totally blindsided by. The baby, for one. His Daddy placed him on my chest and I was shocked. Where the hell did this little person come from and why was everybody looking at me, waiting? Then there was the placenta. I have to birth that too? Now?! Can’t I have a rest first? Then there was the size of the placenta – it was over 2kg (that is over 4 pounds)! Then there was the blood, the hemorrhoids, the discomfort of the first feed – I thought I birthed a baby, not a damn vacuum - and the contracting uterus.
Then after it all, everybody went home. And left me alone, in a dark room, with a newborn baby. Suddenly my preparation came sharply into perspective; I was about to climb Mt. Everest in a sundress and my supplies consisted of glossy magazines and a picnic basket. I was beyond screwed – I had screwed up. I hadn’t had any sleep in over 24 hours, I had exerted more energy than I knew I had and I was now responsible for a human in its most vulnerable state. I did the only thing I could do.
Me: You can’t go. I have no idea what I’m doing!
Midwife: (Smiling) You will be fine.
Me: No, seriously, no-one would have trusted me with a newborn yesterday – what’s changed?
Midwife: Try to get some rest. When he stirs breastfeed him. Change his nappy if he needs it. Press the call button if you need to.
That night certainly wasn’t the last I have laid awake confused, overwhelmed, scared as a parent. There is no terror more potent than fearing for the health/safety of your child. And yet, I signed up for round two. Am I more prepared, you ask? No, not really. I have just come to realise there is no greater privilege, joy or fulfillment for me than to utter the first words I said to my son; ‘I’m your Mummy. I’m going to take care of you. And you can be anything you want to be.’
