Big Scary Adult Stuff
I clearly remember coining that phrase when I was 20. Big. Scary. Adult stuff. I was faced with the prospect of letting myself truly love for the first time, and I was shitting myself. There was definitely something between us – but nothing like I had felt for boyfriends before. We danced around it. We let it fester. We de-constructed it brick by brick and hurled them at each other – me out of fear and him out of frustration – we were on target and we drew blood. When he put it to me – we try this time or I’m walking away – I froze, sheer terror gripped me and I ran from him into the pouring rain.
The only way I could explain my reaction, my angst, my ineptitude was Big Scary Adult stuff. My friends immediately related. I felt unprepared. I was taught advanced calculus but not this? I was overwhelmed. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I felt alone. Even if I had the words to ask for help, who would I ask? I was terrified. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know a lot is at stake.
I hoped the Big Scary Adult Stuff would ease. But the truth is that Big Scary Adult Stuff multiplies. I prayed that I would wake up a competent adult one day and feel capable, brave and knowing. The truth is that I am more of those things every day and the adult stuff just gets bigger and scarier. Being vulnerable and open is hard; watching your vulnerable and open child be rejected – is anguishing. Not knowing how to help yourself is painful; being helpless to loved one is excruciating.
The more I grow into my adulthood – if I can indeed claim to be an adult at 26 – the more compassion I have for myself and the more reverence for my elders. The shit just grows bigger and more terrifying; facing it daily with grace THAT is the definition of adulthood.
I did give him and answer in the end. He showed up hours later dripping wet in my office doorway, in his vintage leather jacket and faded jeans. Perhaps if I had chosen the blue pill, the stuff I’m facing now wouldn’t be so big or scary.
What big scary adult stuff are you facing?
