The person I let down the most is…

… me

I am pretty good at following through on what I say I’m going to do. If I stuff up, if I forget, if something gets in the way I apologise. I beat away the guilt resolving to do better. For the most part I can be described as ‘reliable’. Actually, I am pretty sure I have primary school report cards tucked away in the garage (yes, I am that sentimental) that say exactly that ‘contentious, reliable and a pleasure to teach’. Yep, I was a teacher’s pet. Until high school. Then I got thrown out of religion class, like, a LOT. But that is a story for another day.

I find it painful, physically and emotionally, to let someone down. Except for me. I seem to be pretty damn good at letting myself down and not feeling a thing. Well, I don’t know that is exactly true. I do feel the faintest hint of betrayal, eroding self-trust and shame BUT I have been systematically numbing myself to those feelings. Obviously, because on some level I think its peachy to keep letting myself down.

Well no more numbing. It isn’t peachy. It sucks.

I tried thinking of the little promises I had made to myself, you know the ones; you say it mentally to yourself and you get a quietly gently excited. Looking forward to doing something for me. Then life gets busy, we get busy, we get distracted, priorities shift, fires need putting out and we just let it go. I don’t acknowledge it most of the time, I don’t apologise, re-schedule, resolve to do better. I just pretend the promise didn’t matter or that it wasn’t a promise at all. I don’t even treat my enemies that way.

So from now on, as much as humanly possible (I am pregnant and have a shocking case of baby brain), I will honour myself & my relationship with myself by honouring my promises to me the way I would honour a promise to you.

PS having said that the new layout and schedule is coming…