The laundry list of unspoken topics
By nature these experiences fly in the face of the accepted bounds of womanhood. They aren’t expected of the innocent maiden, the loving wife or the nurturing mother. And let’s face it, society at large still has some difficulty dealing with femininity outside of those roles. These experiences have often been ascribed to the ‘undesirable’ facets of womanhood; the unmarried, the lecherous, the wild and the mysteries of our reproductive organs. In reality making these experiences taboo or unspoken is destructive, riddling our female psyche with guilt, shame, inadequacy and fear.
So in the interest of catharsis, inspired by a few honest and relieving conversations recently with my girlfriends, here are some experiences I think belong in a guide-book for women;
- Foreplay isn’t optional.
- Masturbation isn’t wrong. Getting to know what feels good is incredibly important.
- Using a vibrator too often can actually desensitise you to orgasm with a real penis.
- Watching porn isn’t just for guys. Well maybe porn is, erotica isn’t.
- Despite the foreplay and knowing what feels good, sometimes your juices simply wont flow. And that’s ok.
- You may hate your period, but trust me you will miss it when it is gone.
- Breasts can leak. And not only when you are pregnant or breastfeeding.
- Rape is never, ever your fault.
- Your body and emotions are intricately linked. Emotions (and the hormones they release) change your skin, hair, breasts, vagina and more.
- Many women get very amorous during their period.
- Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you aren’t attracted to people other than your partner.
- As wild as your youth is, you probably wont regret it as you get older.
- Women have a ‘hens’ or ‘bachelotette’ party for a reason; it is scary to think of farewelling your singledom and loving only one person forever more.
- It takes work to keep the fire alive in a long-term relationship.
- Labour can be a sensual experience, some woman reach orgasm giving birth.
- Labour involves blood, a number of people looking closely at and physically inspecting your vagina.
- Motherhood doesn’t automatically bestow infinite patience.
- Bonding isn’t instant. It is a process. Postnatal depression isn’t a choice or your fault.
- Breastfeeding isn’t always easy and bottle-feeding isn’t wrong.
- Breastfeeding in public is simply feeding a child. Nothing more, nothing less.
- Sometime mothers resent, dislike and tire of their children.
- Sometimes mothers love one child more than the other/s.
- It isn’t easy to consistently put the needs of a child before your own. At times it is soul crushing and gut wrenching.
- Peri-menopause typically lasts 7 to 10 years. So can post-menopause. It can be a 15 year ride ladies!
- Menopause is supposedly the single day where you haven’t had a period of 12 months. Sometimes your cycle will resume even after a break of more than a year.
- Menopause can actually cause ‘shrinkage’ of the vulvar and vagina, which can lead to painful sex.
- The first thing the Dr will ask you when you go to see them about menopause is “tell me about your mother’s experience…” So… go talk to your Mum!
- After Menopause your vagina is considered a ‘use it or lose it’ situation. Sex increases blood flow to the area and keeps your vagina healthy, and boots your immune system.
So what have I forgotten? What do you wish was talked about before you discovered it the hard way?? I would love to hear your experience.
4 comments
What about the fact that we’re still not REALLY talking about how women are still paid significantly less than men or that our roles in the workplace are significantly devalued by taking any period of maternity leave or picking children up from school, whereas when men do it, it is a rewarded and praised activity (not an inconvenience to the business). When are people going to speak the truth about that? It’s a really basic thing that is somehow continuing to slip through the cracks.
Why do you think it is Elle that we aren’t discussing this? I seem to think that there is an overarching belief that ‘Feminism’ achieved its goals and so now discussing inequalities like unequal pay for equal work and devaluing women in the workforce is seen as whining. In the past rallies and massive campaigns were how awareness was raised and change effected on these issues. I’m not sure that would work in 2010. So what other options do we have available to us to continue to shed light on these issues without being written off as complaining feminists????
What about, and I have been asked about this in very hush hush tones by the odd brave soul : YES your vagina may not bounce back after giving birth, YES your sensativity may change, NO it is not the end of good sex.
And on a personal note #16 : can involve A LOT of people, not to mention becoming a human hand puppet LOL !
I too was shocked to hear the medical professionals discuss ‘scar tissue’ and the potential effect it has on sensitivity of the vagina. I felt completely blindsided and just wanted to close my legs and sleep.
In the days following birth I was very sore and wondered why nobody had warned me that it takes time for the stretching to recover. I felt completely in the dark and had to ask some confronting (to me even) questions of my midwife. I was lucky I had dealt with the same midwife for 9 months! I wonder why self care of our vagina is not a standard part of pre-natal classes. For that matter why is the discharges women experience in their regular monthly cycles not a part of sex ed at school?