I am in a habit of letting go, of forgiving. I am slow to anger and almost always ‘talk it out’ with the other when I feel wronged. I even (much to my partner’s frustration) sit down and have that same frank discussion when I feel someone else is upset with me. I have a deep aversion to bottling things up. I hate repressing emotion and I cannot bear to hold a grudge.
This was possibly the hardest habit I have ever formed, and it is the greatest gift I ever gave myself.
I remember what living in a sess-pool of my own angst felt like. I remember hating someone so much it made me physically sick when I saw them in person (true story). I remember anger, seething rage and shame colouring my every decision and word. Although I didn’t know it at the time, I made the choice to feel that way when I refused to let go. The indescribable freedom I claimed through forgiveness forged my resolve in that instant never to carry a grudge again.
Forgiveness is simple, but not necessarily easy. In fact it can be excruciating hard, until you know how. Once it becomes a habit you find yourself restless, desperate for ways to let go of what hurts you.
Here is what I have learned about forgiveness so far:
- Emotional pain is there for a reason. It is telling us something is left undone; something to do, something to learn, something to say.
- To move towards forgiveness you must first acknowledge the pain you are feeling AND feel it. If you are forgiving more than an argument with a loved one, this could mean you curl into the fetal position or cry tears of rage. Either way only way forward is through it. It won’t be pretty or a walk in the park, but it is no worse than living with the suppressed pain indefinitely.
- You must forgive yourself before you forgive the other. You did the best you could with the information and resources you had at the time. Shit happens. You can’t control everything, be gentle with yourself. You’re ok.
- In time you can forgive the other. They did the best they could with the information and resources they had at the time. It may not have been ‘right’, it certainly wasn’t ideal, but it is done.
I can forgive much, but I am not an expert. There are things I am sure would shatter my resolve to forgive. There are situations I cannot fathom, let alone let go of effortlessly. But while my life is in a comfortable capital city and all my family members are healthy, I feel I have no excuse but to let go.
Tags: Challenge, Compassion, Pain, Self Awareness
