The fallacy of ‘friend’ and ‘enemy’

The words ‘friend’ and ‘enemy’ are very emotive. They rouse such strong emotional responses from us. We think there is a method in our deciding in which category people ‘fit’ into, we think we are clear on what the words mean to us. Nope, sorry, I bet you’re wrong. Allow me to demonstrate.

Call to mind an ‘enemy’. What makes you categorise them that way? Did they hurt you, ignore you, hurt your loved one, do something unscrupulous?

Call to mind a ‘friend’. Think of why you call them ‘friend’. Have they supported you, been kind to you, shared your life with you, advised you well, shown you compassion?

Call to mind someone who fits neither of these categories, someone you are ‘indifferent’ to. Why are you indifferent to them? Have they faded from your life, do they live far away, have you lost touch with them?

Now, just to screw with your mind;

Call to mind your ‘enemy’. Can you recall a time that they were supportive, kind, compassionate or in any other way a ‘friend’ to you?

Call to mind your ‘friend’. Can you recall a time that they hurt or ignored you or a time when they were unscrupulous or in any other way acted as your ‘enemy’?

Call to mind the person to whom you are now indifferent. Can you recall a time when they were either a ‘friend’ or ‘enemy’ to you?

Each of us fall into the category of ‘friend’, ‘enemy’ & ‘indifferent’. Each of us are selfish. Everybody does the best they can with what they have. Every body unintentionally, and intentionally, hurts others. Each of us are capable of life-changing kindness and compassion. Each of us chooses our ‘friends’ and ‘enemies in the same arbitrary nature with which we chose teams in the school yard.

Perhaps if all focused less on the boxes we have put people in we would live in a more compassionate, understanding, kind world. What do you think?

Being ‘in the moment’; a magic wand or a carrot?

There is much to be said for, and indeed much said about, being in the moment. Being in the moment is so elusive that many assume that achieving such awareness will be the magic wand to their problems. Sadly not.

Being in the moment affords us the opportunity to:

• observe what is happening around us
• tune into our emotions
• be aware of our needs
• release our fears and hopes
• act without the influence of our neuroses

In essence being in the moment gives us clarity and freedom but it doesn’t change the moment. There will always be:

• competing priorities
• infinite options
• unfortunate situations
• unknown factors
• things we can’t control

Being in the moment just gives us a chance to see these things as they really are, free from our neuroses and the stories we tell ourselves about how it ‘should be’, what ‘they expect’ and what we ‘ought to do’ if only we were ‘good enough’. Being in the moment allows us to deal with what is in front of us as opposed to what is swimming around in our heads.

Finally being fully aware of the moment without the skills to mindfully act in the moment is like turning up to a gun fight with a carrot. Being in the moment is one aspect of a healthy psyche, but only one and  in the end all roads lead to Rome.

How to know what is an illusion

So much of what you ‘lurve’ every day is smoke. It is fantastical and transitory and ungrounded and illusionary. The certainty you love; imaginary. The coffee you would be useless without; replaceable. The colleagues you laugh with daily; largely unimportant. The email signature that denotes your place in the world of business; temporary. Your Facebook friends; frauds and your Twitter followers; strangers.

You aren’t alone in this predicament. In fact this predicament is overloaded with people so ‘connected’ to our networks that we broadcast what we eat for lunch, and yet so disconnected that we  would be lucky to have 10 people to really rely on when the shit hits the fan.

We are so dedicated to the worship of technology and networking that we have forgotten that when it comes down to the wire they are as useful as a maxed out credit card. What is real are connections of the heart. Our families, our passions, our friends, our legacies.

We are all different, yes, but we are all human. As humans we need connection, support, love, touch, nourishment. Below is my litmus test. Only what passes the test deserve my ‘lurve’, attention and dedication all else is to be taken lightly.

The friendship is illusionary if:

• you don’t call to say ‘Happy Birthday’, but send them a Facebook message only instead
• you have never held their hand  in celebration or commiseration
• you don’t share with them when your grandmother gets Alzheimer’s or you’re facing depression
• you wouldn’t fly across the country to visit them at a moment’s notice if they needed you
• you couldn’t ask them to dislodge a stuck diaphragm or drive you to a feared Doctor appointment
• you wouldn’t invite them to your wedding

An illusion is:

• something that isn’t true all the time
• something fickle or transitory
• something wouldn’t take with you to the proverbial desert island
• something based in what others think of you and not in who you are
• something that would be dwarfed by terrible news

How do you tell the difference? What is your litmus test?

Helplessness

Helplessness is one of the worst feelings in the world. Certainly one of my most hated. We feel ‘helpless’ in the face of tragedy, anguish, tears and pain when we cannot make the situation right again, when we are unable to restore the world to its previous (and preferable) status quo.

Even in such situations, despite ourselves, we are not helpless. We can love and support, we can pick up the slack, we can lend resources and give of our time. We can bear witness to the reality in front of us. Never underestimate the value and effect of being present; compassionate,unflinching,without judgement, to the journey of another human being.

The discomfort of helplessness is not a direct result of the situation we face. The discomfort of ‘helplessness’ comes from our judgement that the ways available to us to serve ‘aren’t enough’.

Helplessness is the territory between what you can do and what you wish you could do.

Reasons

Why do you act the way you do? Have you ever asked yourself the same thing after you snapped at someone, bit your tongue when you should have spoken up or told a white lie for no apparent reason?

Why do we over-react? Why do we take it too far? Why do we buy into our own crap? How do we justify our worst behaviour? Moreover, do you have someone in your life that is toxic or selfish whose behaviour you just can’t get your head around?

We may all act and react differently, but we all use the same framework. Everything you say, do or think is based on 3 simple ingredients; Your intentions, your perceptions and your resources.

1. Intentions – You act to achieve that you want or to avoid what you don’t want. Your intentions are influenced by your goals, needs, values, dreams, desires.
2. Perceptions – The way you view the world. The stories you make up about what other people think of you and expect from you. The way you view yourself; your weaknesses and strengths. Your past experiences that have taught you what to expect from the world.
3. Resources – The time, money and energy you have at your disposal. The mental tenacity, the hope, the self belief you have. The physical tools you have access to. The networks you can tap into. The ways and means you have of getting what you want and need.

Nobody does something they know to be a bad idea unless they believe (perceive) they don’t have any other option (not enough resources) to get what they want (intention). So the simplest way to avoid making dubious decisions is to understand, and tweak, the basis of your decision making. There is always more than one way to skin a cat.

Victim-hood

This is a very interesting topic for me, predominately because it is just so loaded. Nobody wants to be called, let alone ‘made’, a victim. Yet so many of us cling to our victim-hood.

I can see why we cling to our victim identity. Here are a few usual suspects;

• It’s easier to be a victim than to take responsibility.
• We don’t know how to do something different.
• Its safer to be a victim. We can’t fail at it.
• Better the devil you know; being a victim of something else could be worse.
• It’s a great excuse not to achieve what you want.
• We think moving on or taking responsibility gives the perpetrator a free pass.

Victim means powerless, effected by outside circumstances. Whilst it is true that we may be a victim on the initial event [read crime, retrenchment, breakup, discrimination, stock market falls, even traffic jams] that’s where the authentic victim-hood ends. There is no rule dictating that we must remain a victim days, weeks or months later.

I don’t mean to sound harsh. I am not without empathy and experience in this arena. I spent two years hiding the pain and physical scars of an assault, before I had the courage to talk and to heal. Whilst healing takes time, unless you are merely a victim of a traffic jam, the moment you make the decision (to heal) you are no longer a victim.

What you were a victim of does not define who you are. Your reactions to such situations do. How long must we perpetuate the event in our minds? When will we realise that continuing with our victim status only hurts us, often more than the initial event did? Become the survivor, star, diva, entrepeneur, beauty, healer, director, leading-lady of your life and ditch the victim.

What have you triumphed over?

The power of humility

So many people, not just young people, are thwarted by their desire to ‘do good’ in the world. At the heart of the matter is the concept that in order to have a positive impact on the world they must be important, well known, powerful and highly influential. The belief often goes that in order to ‘do good’ we must first be a CEO, a millionaire, found a charity, be Oprah, have articles written about us and have 1000′s of fans and admirers of our work.

Yes this is one blueprint of how to have a positive impact on the world, but only one. The ways to positively affect the world are as individual as you are. Literally. Doctors heal the sick. Charities help those in need, raise awareness of issues we don’t want to look at and lobby governments. Research scientists work to eradicate diseases and to prevent the often deadly spread of those we can’t yet squash. Other researchers help us understand ourselves more, our communities better and lay the foundation for the way forward. Inventors create new ways of doing things – safer, better ways. Builders, well, build… houses, schools, hospitals and ramps for wheelchair access.

But the essence of doing good is that it brings joy, peace, happiness, compassion or mercy to the world. Doing good reduces violence and intolerance, prejudice and ignorance. Doing good can be raising a child, baking a pie, making music, playing, or inventing something so useful it is revolutionary, like this. Doing good has absolutely nothing to do with age; Louis Braille had developed and refined his ingenious code by the time he was just fifteen. Doing good has everything to do with the intention and willingness to give of yourself in an authentic way.

Stop trying to change the world. Stop believing that the only truly worthwhile life is one lived in the spotlight. Stop being so afraid that you will amount to nothing that you miss the opportunity to make a difference, however small today. Humility has the power to change the world.

Why sweet gets you no where

Sweet gets you nowhere, because life takes guts.

Love, real love takes courage. The kind of love where you would crawl over broken glass for your beloved isn’t the result of sickly sweet SMS’s and bedroom eyes. Love is the result of accepting each other warts, skeletons, flaws and all. Warts and skeletons are gory things to witness and overwhelm sweet dispositions.

The career of your dreams won’t be granted to you with the puff of glittery Jeanie smoke. The career of your dreams stems from you being good at what you do. Natural talent or not, being really good takes practice and work.

Family, like everything else takes work. Ideally they will support you through think and thin and presumably you will do the same for them. This is work. Thin ain’t much fun. Sweet just won’t cut it.

Don’t misunderstand. Grace, being personable, being compassionate and composure are all qualities I aspire to. But unless our sweetness is based in a foundation of strength, tenacity and courage it is mearely a glamour. So if where you are going involves love, family or career sweet will get you no where,

Your heroes are fallible

Your heroes are fallible. Be they mythical, fiction or human they are flawed. Despite their flaws you saw something in them worth admiring. Herein lies the lesson. You too are flawed and you too are worth admiring.

One of the greatest influences in my life is just under 4 feet tall. Yet more than once she stared down (up) fully grown men, and won. She buried more boyfriends in the war (WW2) than I care to recall. She dared to date a black man when it was an excommunicable taboo. She raised 4 children and miscarried 2. She buried her husband after watching lung cancer steal his very breath. She did ‘men’s work’ during the week while the men were fighting WW2 and was chastised for wearing pants to church on Sunday.

I love her humility.

Her utter fearlessness.

Her bottomless compassion.

Her selflessness.

Her ability to be stronger than iron in the face of adversity and gentle as a lamb when some needs a soft place to fall.

Only she was diagnosed with advanced Alzheimer Dementia yesterday. Her humility and selflessness have evaporated she is always anxious and even curt. She barely registers the emotions of those around her and is oblivious to the needs of anybody but herself.

The tears streaming down my face now feel like a burning betrayal to the woman she used to be. Who would have told me not to waste my tears over something I can’t change. I am struggling to find the lesson in all of this:

Am I to understand what who we are and what we do is to some extent out of our control?

Am I to understand that there is inherent balance in the universe and we must all be selfless and selfish?

Am I to learn to love this new incarnation of her personality despite it all?

The best I can come up with is that our heros are fallible.

12 ways to know you’re doing ok

1. You breathe deeply when you realise you are so tense you forgot to breathe.
2. You get so frustrated that you laugh.
3. You get the urge to move when you are stressed. Walking, running, even punching (a punching bag or pillow) are good ways to move you from a stressful state to a better one.
4. You want to walk away when you feel like you are going in circles.
5. You have shown super-human patience at least once in your life.
6. When you’re seething you know just who to call to calm you down. And you have them on speed dial.
7. You find time to help a mate out, even when you’re so busy you forget to go to the bathroom.
8. You have the self control to be pleasant to the checkout-chick even when you are having the worst day ever.
9. You immediately apologise when you snap at friends and colleagues because you are stressed.
10. You can keep your cool long enough not to call your boss/parents/friend an asshole to their face.
11. You have the presence of mind not to shop, get married or make any big decisions when you’re angry or frustrated.
12. When you are in your darkest moment… you walk on because you recognise that it will pass.