Life

It’s not always fair. In fact it rarely is. It favours the brave, the ambitious, the unencumbered, the blinkered and the tunnel visioned. So if you have loved ones, hobbies, are compassionate, have children, see the bigger picture beyond your wants – you have some tough decisions to make.

The ghastly thing about tough decisions (a.k.a big scary adult decisions) is that the pay off for bravely facing the hard truth and making a considered decision is… well, not much. These are the decisions you make behind closed doors, alone or with your partner. They aren’t broadcast on Twitter, they don’t become blog fodder and its not something you chit-chat about over drinks. Nobody pats you on the back for putting your family first, you don’t get a medal for walking away from a dodgy offer, no one gives you kudos for considering the consequences, being compassionate and doing the right thing.

The pay of we get for smiling through the tears, working our fingers to the bone, fitting yet more into an already overstretched work week or family budget, for passing up an opportunity in order to spend time with your kids, for taking a career break to work for Legal Aid, for supporting your partner in their dreams, for overseeing the care of ailing loved ones, for working 2 part time jobs to afford medical school? Your sense of self.

For those whose life will not be dedicated to setting the world on fire, founding charities or fortune 500 companies, for whom the sweetness of life will not be accolades, positive press, awards and making history, the pay off is something almost spiritual. To know your heart was big enough to love despite the sacrifices, to know you were humble enough to celebrate the small successes, graceful enough to smile through the tears and wise enough to see the meaning in it all.

Innocence

They say that our times have lost their innocence. Granted, we are no longer living in a society that could be described as naive, unworldly or inoffensive but all innocence is not lost. I think it is time for innocence to make a comeback. Sophistication and her sisters jaded and skeptical have had their day in the sun and I for one am ready for something, well nicer.

Though the world has long lost its innocence I don’t believe that innocence is extinct. Our relationships can be innocent. Innocence can also be described as; freedom of cunning and deceit, simplicity and harmlessness. I don’t know about you but those adjectives also describe the way I’d like to interact with my friends and family.

It is so damned easy these days to shoot first and ask questions later. It is standard practice to assume everybody is out to get you. We jump to conclusions every day and more often than not those conclusions are of the unfavourable variety. We defend ourselves all the time in anticipation of an attack and as a result keep people at a distance. Relationship status on Facebook even offers the option ‘its complicated’. I am in no way suggesting that its wise to walk down a dark alley at night or to assume multinational companies are playing fairly, just that we could be nicer to the girl at the checkout, the guy on the bus, the crazy neighbour and our colleagues.

If you too would like more innocence in your life try these on for size:

• Everybody is doing the very best they can with what they have
• Nobody makes a decision, that at the time, they think is a bad one
• Most people respond well to honesty and honest feedback
• Most people blossom when given the benefit of the doubt
• Most people don’t realise they are being offensive
• Most times if you bring a transgression to someones attention you will get a full apology

So next time the service isn’t great, your friends cancels at the last minute or a colleague is frosty presume innocence. The alternative jaded negative view hurts no-one more than you.

The female connection

When I moved back to Sydney I had a dream about a kitchen table. And a couch. But the table was the important part. I desperately wanted a table that people [read female friends] would gather around and share, connect, eat and laugh.

It didn’t quite happen that way.

I am persistant and determined, some may even say stubborn. So I tried to artifically create my dream by holding ‘women’s circles’. It didn’t work becase it wasn’t the spontaneous, authentic connection I (I’d like to think we) wanted. So I gave up for a while.

I believe there is something immesurably powerful in women connecting with other women. Sharing, teaching, supporting eachother. In times gone by this kind of connection and support was inherent in the way our societies were organised. The gathering of women was vital to the passing down of wisdom; about womens bodies, cycles, birthing, childraising, relationships. Femininity was respected, honoured, revered and even feared. It was fear that drove the religious aristocracy to foster competition amoung women  & stamp out  women’s gatherings.

We may have been out in the wilderness for hundreds of years, but we are coming back. Instead of gathering in ceremony we attned conferences and womens networking events. Instead of cooking over the hearth we are meeting for coffee. We are bringing birth back into our homes and entursting our babies to midwives. We gather. We connect. We harness the power of Web 2.0.

Yes we are women of a new millennium, but we have ancient bones. We still deeply yearn for female connection and the power we generate when together is a force to be reckoned with.

Bras

Our bras, ladies say a lot about us. Any male readers already know this. And, no, I don’t mean that a red bra says  that you’re sexy and a tan bra means your boring or safe. The print, colour and material of your bras are a personal choice – that’s not what I’m talking about.

Your bra supports your breasts. Yes, thank you captain obvious. Our breasts are, for most women, integral to their sense of femininity. You disagree? Speak to a women who has undergone a mastectomy or women who has had a breast reduction about how the operation has affected their femininity. Our breasts are a sensual, integral part of our womanhood.

Just writing those words I feel the wave of resistance and objections flying at me through the web. But, I honestly believe it is true. I hated my breasts for as long as I can remember. They were always too big, too saggy, too heavy. That was even before I fell pregnant and then they were too sensitive, too sore and downright enormous – no stores would stock bras in my size (Yes my partner was stoked, I on the other hand broke down in tears right there in the store). Breastfeeding is another saga altogether. All I am saying is that I hear your objections, but accepting my breasts feels better.

We are taught that our breasts are only beautiful if they look plastic. We are not taught how to appreciate our breasts. They are soft and warm, regardless of the weather your breasts radiate heat. The skin is some of the softest on our bodies. They are capable of pleasure and adorned with our glamest top and stunning beads they can be hypnotizing – regardless of their size. There is so much to love about our breasts aside from their size and shape, but alas, they are most womens’ hang-ups.

I was buying new bras on the weekend and can vouch that a great bra can boost your self esteem and totally change your figure. But what shocked me were the conversations I was overhearing in the change room. 3 women were being properly fitted by professionals. Each of the women was recommended a bra and a size that would fit them perfectly. Each woman chose a different bra to the recommendations. Why? Because they were planning on losing weight and so preferred to squish their breasts into a too small bra than to have a bra that was too big if and when they lost weight.

Isn’t that insane? To me it’s like saying ‘no’ to a date with the man of your dreams today, because you are planning on snagging the perpetual bachelor George Clooney next month! The likelihood that these women (none of whom looked at all overweight) would ever be truly happy with their weight and body shape is arguably slim. I mean, are you? But still they, and indeed so many of ‘us’, would prefer to continue to strive and punish ourselves trying to fit into an imaginary ideal than to work what we have.

What I am really trying to say: Give up the need for it to be different to what it is. Love what you have got, work what you have got. You will loose it one day and wish you had treated it better and enjoyed it more.

A balanced heart

Balance in relationships is ideal. Everybody wants to be in a mature, loving, supportive relationship where both partners benefit equally. The dream goes like this; both people get their needs met, they get unconditional love, boundless support, brunches on Sundays, in-jokes, fond memories, a reliable plus one for obligatory events, someone to do the housework they hate, a cuddle on the couch and a warm body in bed.

Perfect, right? Except…

Except love isn’t ‘unuconditional’ if it is only present when things are balanced. Except boundless support means support in the face of imbalance. Except a couple’s needs aren’t always the same or equal.

What happens to the relationship when one person’s needs are bigger, stronger or more urgent? What happens when one partner cannot be as supportive due to illness, addiction or being in the military? What happens when ailing parents or children throw the axis off?

A mature, loving, supportive relationship means that sacrifices are made, concessions are given & needs are prioritised. No two people (not even twins) grow in perfect synchronicity. So, if both partners are benefiting equally then they are having their wings clipped.

The most loving, relationship affirming thing I have ever done was to put my personal ambitions on the back-burner to dedicate myself to supporting my partner’s goals, loves, dreams and schedule. It is also the most humbling, ego-deflating, trusting, counter-intuitive decisions I have ever made.

Lesson: Love is not tit for tat, clean, orderly or balanced. Learn to find the harmony in the imbalance.

What I learned about myself playing Chess…

1. Safety first. I take risks, but only calculated ones.
2. I am only happy when I can anticipate my opponent.
3. Unless I have a strategy I feel vulnerable (even when my King is safe and sound).
4. Tactics are the natural love child of strategy and methodology.
5. I don’t like to feel controlled.
6. I dislike being reactive.
7. If the ship is sinking I look for ways to jump. If I think it’s a lost cause I wont flog a dead horse.
8. I underestimate myself.
9. I find it easier to see the pros of another and the cons of myself.
10. I don’t have a poker face.
11. I care way too much about pawns (Compassion or stupidity? You tell me.)
12. I’m not comfortable with the ethos the end justifies the means.
13. Once I have a strategy, I am like a dog with a bone.
14. Once a piece has a role it pains me to have it multi-task.
15. I avoid direct competition for a reason (its not good for the soul).
16. I can be spiteful.
17. I strongly dislike not being skillful in an area.
18. I can turn anything into an exercise in self awareness.

What makes you happy?

You may think it’s your job. You may think it’s your family. You may think it’s hanging out with friends. You may think it’s playing sport. You may think it’s creating music. You’re probably wrong.

If you think it is your job that makes you happy, consider the fate of your happiness when you retire, take time off to raise a family or become ill. If you think your family is the sole source of your happiness then what happens when you move interstate, there is a divorce or you become responsible for ailing parents? If you think you are happy because you are sporty and very physical then what happens when you are injured, too busy or on the off-season?

Your happiness is derived from expressing who you are and embodying your values.

Most of us have it backward. We fail to make the important distinction between the task/experience and the meaning we ascribe to it. We believe family makes us happy but really it is the compassion, support, solidarity, love that we experience in familial bonds that make us happy. I have written about this before; we can experience these things with anybody we feel an affinity with, not exclusively our ‘family’.

I am as guilty as anyone in this area. I have, in the not so distant past, proudly worn the label workaholic. (I was never really a workaholic. There is a huge difference between luv luv luving your work and being addicted to working. Holly Hoffman wrote a great post about this recently.) Never the less I was pulling 55-60 hour weeks when I was over 6 months pregnant. I was even consulting on the day my baby was due. I really ‘loved’ my work. So as a new Mum, with no KPIs, to-do lists, praise from superiors and clients I felt totally lost. I was on call 24/7 to the hardest task-master I had ever encountered, but I was still longing for something.

In reality it wasn’t my job that used to make me happy. It was the opportunity to exceed expectations, challenge myself, achieve goals, nurture others & be intellectually stimulated that my job provided that made me happy. Working is not the only way I can fulfill those needs and express those parts of myself. I now achieve them raising my son, volunteering, helping family and friends, reading & blogging.

When we identify specifically what about our family, jobs and hobbies that ‘make us happy’ we wield an amazing power. We can un-tether our happiness from the title on our business card, the state of our family and our social calendars. When we know what really makes us happy the world really becomes our oyster because we can fulfill our values in more ways than we currently imagine. You may be totally fulfilled living on a tropical island teaching the local children english – who knows.

When we understand the mechanics of our happiness we can achieve it in more creative, and often less stressful, ways. For example a young ‘workaholic’ who remains in the office until 8pm because they value contributing, status and achievement could leave the office at 5 and spend the next 3 hours working on a charity close to their heart and be equally as, if not more, fulfilled. A 55 year old man who wants to but refuses to retire for fear of losing his status and losing the stimulation of work could mentor the next generation of workers or volunteer his time.

What I know for sure is that most of us avoid identifying what really makes us happy for one reason: when you identify what makes you happy you also take responsibility for your own happiness. Do you dare know the key to your happiness?

Be careful what you wish for…

…because it just might come true.

“Whatever is the problem with that?” you may ask, wistfully dreaming of sun-baking surrounded by beauties whilst someone else is parking your sports car/arranging your designer shoe collection by colour. Well, nothing in part… except for the secondary consequences you may not have considered.

Allow me to illustrate my point with some personal examples. A few years back I wished for a challenge. I was pining for something new that felt just right. Something challenging and rewarding. I though it might be a new qualification, an extension to my practice or a new therapy. Instead I fell pregnant. Yup. A baby. Granted motherhood is both challenging and rewarding but the secondary consequences included nappy changes, breastfeeding through the night and well a life turned generally upside down.

Another good example is when I was 18-21 all I wished for was some serenity. My life was a huge drama, verging on directly competing with The Bold and the Beautiful. I was either elated, anguished, anxious or irresponsibly cavalier. All I wished for was a way to be calm and grounded. To be one of those people who seemed to take life in their stride, without fuss or resorting to extremes. What I realised, just recently (read last week) was that I had achieved my wish. I realised that I am best described as calm and centered at the exact moment I was lamenting (read whinging) that I had lost my ‘Raaaa’. You know the in-your-face confidence, the arrogance of your limitations, the general boisterous-grab-life-by-the-balls-and-manipulate-and-fight-until-it-looks-like-you-think-it-oughta vibe.

The secondary consequences of my serenity were the loss of my false bravado (Raaaa) to be replaced by a much less flashy quiet confidence, the acceptance of my humanity and the limitations that accompany it & a humility that recognises that I don’t have all the answers.

In short, while you are alive you will always be learning and refining your wishes and wants. Regardless of what you wish for and achieve you will be, at least in part, dissatisfied with the outcome. You will always want something different, something more, something befitting the new you.

Lesson: You always get what you ordered. If you’re whining about the present then you are best served to look at the past and honour just how far you have come. This is what the you of yester-year wished for.

Have you experienced any unexpected consequences of getting what you always wanted?

Inspiration

It eludes us. It strikes. It illuminates us. It flows through us. It leaves us.

Like charisma, inspiration has always seemed to me to have an ‘other-worldly’ air. Inspiration is not arbitrarily bestowed upon individuals by the heavens. Inspiration is an art.

Have you ever noticed that some people seem to be inspired more often than others? Have you ever noticed that those inspired individuals would experience a bout of ‘writers block’ where no inspiration would come? Have you ever noticed the pattern that when someone has lost something they seem to be almost instantly flooded with inspiration?

Inspiration has substance. It requires your attention and it takes up space. If you want inspiration then you need to make room for it. If you want inspiration you need to be prepared to work with it when it comes -  even especially if it doesn’t look like you thought it would. If you want inspiration then you have inadvertently accepted responsibility for making that inspiration manifest in the world.

Sound big and scary? I think the alternative is scarier – an uninspired life.

The importance of Dads

I recently spent an evening handing out information to new Mothers at the local hospital. It was only 12 months ago that I was in their position and so I had anticipated the empathy I felt for the slightly dazed, sleep deprived and sore mothers. What I hadn’t expected was the empathy I felt for the fathers.

Being a mother my bias is obviously female and I would not, for a moment, say that the Dad’s have it worse than the Mum’s in early parenting. But what I noticed for the first time was that there is no support for the Dads.

Dads’ miss out on all the good stuff. They aren’t as hormonally charged to nurture the baby, which is not to say they are less nurturing, but that they get far less biological help to do so. Fathers don’t experience the hormonal shifts that aid in returning to sleep after being woken during the night & they have fewer feel ‘good’ hormones raging through their bloodstream that help mothers out in the early months.

Dad’s even miss out on a lot of the ‘stuff’ that goes with a baby. There is really no male equivalent to a traditional Baby Shower, and even if there were what would you gift to a father-to-be? They really don’t have any use for body creams, re-usable breast pads or spa treatments. At best Dad’s get the practical things like a baby carrier- but nothing really cool. Until now that is.

Last week I met Alan Jones and was introduced to his very kool product for new Dads’ – The Milkooler. Yes that’s right it’s a stubby holder for a baby’s bottle. Aside form being super cute there is more to this product than the novelty factor. It keeps Milk warmer, or juices cooler for longer, it is far easier for little hands to hold, it prevents the sun getting to the contents inside and when children are in the mimicking phase it is just like an adult stubby holder. They are inexpensive, fit most bottles and scrunch up easily in a nappy bag.

My son is totally breastfed but still uses his on some of his sippy bottles and bottles of expressed breast milk. My partner loved this product and it went straight to the top of his ‘Great kids gear’ list. We have ordered a few more for expectant friends.

This review was published originally at Connect2mums.

Solid ground

Getting your footing is a double edged sword. It is a beginning and an end. A life raft & a trap. It is a welcome reprieve from running in shifting sand, the earth crumbling beneath you, keeping you moving constantly searching out something firmer, safer. Ironically, as soon as we feel solid ground beneath our weary feet and calm breathing replaces our panicked panting we begin to move again. Even if we are taking a well trodden path there is no telling when the earth beneath our feet will give way again. Or else we stay here too long, clinging to the relative safety until the wind and weather erodes our rock and the earth shifts beneath us yet again.

For the longest part of my teenage years I never wanted the house in the suburbs, the husband or the kids. The prospect of my life revolving around nappy changes, bills and constant compromising of my wants and needs crushed my burgeoning spirit. Yet here I am. The perfect lesson of ‘you become what you most fear’. But I’m happy none the less. Proof that when you release your judgements you can learn to love anything.

I took a few Big risks around 19-20, they blew a massive hole in my life plan – the solid ground gave way to shifting sand. I found safe ground when the first risk paid off with a solid career in banking. I ran head long into shifting sand when I moved interstate, abandoning my career, to begin life with my boyfriend of 4 months (my second risk). I found solid ground again and really enjoyed our time in self imposed exile together. Since then the earth has fallen away and I have ran to and from solid ground many times.

Something I know for sure is that if you get too comfortable somewhere your rock will turn to sand and force you to move on, to grow.

I feel like I have been on solid ground for a little while now and I am feeling the gentle warning tremors on the earth readying itself to move. In the past I have been the one to run into the next challenge. From the outside looking in I’m told it appears fearless (or stupid). In reality it is a compulsion to grow & develop.

This time I find myself wanting to cling to now; to watch my son at this beautiful age forever, to live by the beach, to continue to have family as our focus as we quietly build the foundations of our lives. But alas, the winds of change are rustling in the leaves. I don’t know what they will bring.

Flexibility

Flexibility is dependent on trust. The most flexible people I know are also the most grounded & self assured people I know. That is no coincidence.

When are you most flexible? I am most flexible with the people I trust the most and in places where I feel most at home. I am flexible when I don’t have an agenda to push or outcomes to achieve. I am flexible when I am in my element and know the lay of the land. And, no, my flexibility has nothing to to do with being engaged to a Yoga Instructor.

I am least flexible when there are unknown elements at play, when I am inexperienced or uncertain. I am inflexible when I am preoccupied with an aganda or afraid of being judged. I am uncompromising when I don’t trust myself.

The secret of flexible people is that they know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that come what may they can handle it. They trust themselves to withstand the unknown. The secret of flexible people is paradoxical, the secret of flexible people is their (inner) strength.