Saying ‘No’
Hi. My name is Rachael and I am a people-pleaser.
Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. But alone it isn’t enough. People-pleasers need help. Ironically, people-pleasers offer it to others and never call in a favour. They only ask for help when they realise they need it to stop from disappointing someone else.
Magazines have realised that being a people-pleaser isn’t as fashionable as it was in the 50′s. They have enlightened us to the warning signs and written many an article on learning to delegate and say ‘No’.
For a people-pleaser learning to say ‘No’ is tremendously important. It breaks the cycle of overcommiting in order to please everybody and depleating all available energy reserves. Learning to delegate is the opposite side of the same coin and no less important – it is the people pleaser learning to accept assistance.
For me there is a thrid skill that completely revolutionises the life of a people-pleaser. Let me explain. People pleasers like to please others. Yes sometimes this stems from deep insecurities, fear of rejection etc but often it is also the deep desire to serve. Service is one of my 5 guiding values in life, and I can honestly say that if I am not contributing to, supporting and serving my partner, child, family, friends, colleagues and community I feel dissatisfied.
The third revolutionary step then is the art of knowing why you want to say ‘Yes’. Here are some potential reasons you may want to say ‘Yes’ to a request, when all the magazine articles are telling you to say ‘No”:
- You want to be liked/seen as good/considered helpful etc
- You feel an obligation to
- You don’t know how to say ‘No’
- You have already said ‘Yes’ and don’t want to change your mind
- You want recognition
- You will receive a benefit in return
- You feel passionate about contributing
- You are fulfilling a value or goal by saying ‘Yes’
When you are clear on why you want to say ‘Yes’ you are more able to make the best decision and make sure it works for you. For example if you take on a project for recognition make sure you point out that you expect your name on the cover or a written reference or a bullet point on your resume. If you are saying yes out of obligation, is the other person aware that you would expect them to return the favour if the tables were turned? If you are saying ‘yes’ because you feel compelled to contribute – is this the very best way for you to do so?
When I learned to be clear as to why I accepted projects, offered help and generally said ‘Yes’ I found myself being more selective, more clear as to what my contribution would be, asking for benefits in return. In general understanding my needs in the situation helped me to honour myself more. The funny thing is that now that I can say ‘No’ and I am clear on why I say ‘Yes’ I have taken on more without the dissatisfaction and exhaustion of a people-pleaser. Oh, and yes, I am pleasing more people.
2 comments
As a reforming people pleaser I would add one more step that must be taken. And that is breaking all the formerly pleased people of your doormat-esque status of the habit of assuming you are “always available.” I found as I started trying to be more diligent and aware of my time and energy spends, people started getting upset with me. I’m not talking whining a little or being sad…I’m talking full out “fine, leave me to hang here then” days without communication 4-year old temper tantrum behavior when I said no.
Good news is they’re getting over it, though I’m sure it’s not by their choice!
Great point Elisa. We teach poeple how to treat us and sometimes we need to change the goal posts a little. If we taught them to treat us like their personal assistant or door-mat then we can teach them to respect our time and energy too. Have a great weekend.