Care Less
The person in the relationship who cares the least controls the relationship. Seems unfair, doesn’t it, but I have never seen this truth disproven. But I still don’t recommend you use the ‘care less’ tact as a means of manipulating relationships in your favour.
Being aware of this power dynamic doesn’t actually help you either, if you are the one who cares the most. It won’t change the fact that at times your situation, your emotions and indeed your sanity will seem to be at the whim of the other. Knowing this power dynamic is at play only helps you to clarify your options and inform your emotions.
Being the person who cares the most doesn’t suck quite as much as it may seem. Yes, you are, to some extent, reactive to the decisions, actions and emotions of the other. No, you may not easily guide the relationship in the direction of your choosing or, indeed, to your desired outcome. Yes, you stand to hurt more because you are more invested in the relationship. But to quote Pink “I wouldn’t change the pain for what I’ve learned”.
As the person most invested in the relationship you stand to gain more. Not necessarily in the form of love from the other, or recognition from outsiders, but in personal growth. Faced with a loved one who is less caring, considerate and mindful of your wellbeing than you are of theirs is difficult. There are no two ways about it; you are bound to experience disappointment (at the very least) and personal growth.
What I know for sure: At the end of your life you will not regret having loved deeply. But you may regret the walls you erected to love and the love you withheld.
3 comments
“What I know for sure: At the end of your life you will not regret having loved deeply. But you may regret the walls you erected to love and the love you withheld.”
Truer words are rarely spoken. As the less caring one in all my relationships it’s easier to not feel and walk away when need be. Deaf, dumb & blind is, however, no way to go thru life.
Interesting take. I’ve always been very concerned with balance. I subconsciously adjust my behavior to match the other person’s. So, I wonder, if there ever can really be balance in relationships? I kinda think it’s always shifting. In any case, I’ll take my too much over someone else’s half-assed any day.
@Elisa as the more caring in most of my relationships I have learned that the most loving answer is always the best one for everybody – and that sometimes the loving answer is “‘Thank you but I no longer choose to be in relationship with you” and to walk away. I can understand why people think caring less is safer, but in my experience, the worst that can happen is a bruised ego, a broken heart and some tears shed. =) Thanks for sharing.
@Alma I agree that there is an ever shifting ebb and flow in relationships. This post in particular was inspired by a familial relationship that I am aware of that is very one sided, where the axis that the shifting occurs around is not the centre and equilibrium is only maintained by one person giving more and more. Thanks for taking the time to comment =)