Archive for July, 2009

Deep water

Friday, July 31st, 2009

So many times we wonder where our rescuer is when we have made no indication that we are in trouble.

We get so accustomed to fighting just to keep our heads above water that it doesn’t register that we are actually losing the battle until we start swallowing water. The turning point between swimming and drowning is swift and difficult to detect. Our friends may miss it if they turn their heads for a moment.

Our loved ones, aware of our independent nature, mistake our drowning for waving. It probably doesn’t help that most of us would be only too happy to drown if we looked chic doing it. Precious time is lost.

There are many ways out short out this circuit and break the pattern. Depending on how drastic a change you are prepared to make, the following are a few of your options:

Small changes

  • Carry a signal, like a flare or a whistle. This way you can call for help quickly if you need it. It is light weight and won’t be hard to carry. i.e. call a friend when you need to
  • Take an inflatable dingy with you. This way you won’t need a rescuer. It’s heavier to carry and could be a little cumbersome. i.e. find an outlet, be it meditation, a weekend away, a massage.

Big changes

  • Get out of the deep water. This means you need to take a step back until your tippy toes can reach the bottom. Yes you may have to slow down for a little while but you can go deeper when you are stronger and can swim effortlessly. i.e. find a counsellor, change your job, change your relationship

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Posted in Coaching, Grace, Life, Personal Development, Relationships | 2 Comments »

Letting Go

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

I have spent the past week with my family, and it has got me thinking about letting go. Letting go can be hard. Letting go can be easy. Letting go can become a habit – if you’re game. If you’re not, letting go can be utterly terrifying.

My grandmother is getting older; in fact she just celebrated her 86th birthday. I baked, of course. She is fast approaching, or recently passed, (depending on who you speak to) the point of safely living alone at home. On some level I think she knows it. She is afraid of losing her independence and what that might mean. Her fear comes across as nastiness.

I can understand her fear and her denial. What becomes of us when we cease to be what we value? What are we when our intelligence is failing and outdated; our peers deceased; our looks long faded; our family self sufficient and our contribution to the world are knitted blankets donated to charity?

How do we come to terms with letting go of our prime, our status, our jobs, our friends and our independence? What can stand the test of time and remain ours regardless of our phase in life? The only thing that I come up with is love.

Love. Love of ourselves. Love for those around us. Love for something greater perhaps. Love of the taste of a sweet strawberry. Love of the feeling of the sun on our skin. Love of the sight of a rose in full bloom. Love of the smell of fresh bread baking.

I see too much of my grandmother in me. I don’t want to have to fight so hard. To cling so tightly to my independence. To fear what it means to lose it. The alternative, for what I can see, is to focus on love and to let go of other temporary titles. I wonder what will be my final hurdle? What will I perhaps be clinging to in my old age? Will it be my partner, work, my children, responsibility, intelligence or independence? If I am lucky perhaps I will enjoy the simple pleasures of my twilight years instead of mourning the loss of my former glories. IF along the way I develop a saintly disposition and grace.

What will you be clinging to in 60 years?

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Cast your net wide

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

Watching a slideshow of Afghanistan explained by a soldier just returned from active duty puts my personal issues in perspective. So did having a hot chocolate at the Sheraton on the Park (with the Connect2Mums crew).

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We all have issues. If you breathe and you live, you are bound to have issues. Even his Holiness the Dali Lama has drama to contend with. How we experience drama is subjective.

I am not saying that your issues are insignificant because ‘there is always somebody out there worse off than you’. What I am saying is that the narrower your focus the larger problems will appear.

High school is a great example of this. Our years at high school are characterised by us continually making mountains out of mole hills. A single off-hand comment could quickly turn into friendship groups divided and months of arguments and drama. Our immaturity was partially responsible but so was that fact that the school yard, and its occupants, were our whole world.

A work-a-holic will always experience work related dramas as devastating and dramatic because work swallows most of their attention and focus. A new mother’s day hangs entirely on whether her baby sleeps and eats well. She knows that the world is at war and people are dying of poverty and disease, but the tiny bundle in her arms is her whole world. New lovers can be happy together even if their lives are crumbling around them because the relationship alone is their focus; but when the relationship crumbles they are lost.

My awareness was broadened recently when an old friend stayed with us. He took my focus from local to global reminding me of, and personalizing, the war in Afghanistan. Realising that carrying a weapon just to take your morning jog and laying fellow soldiers to rest is a personal reality for a gentle man my son calls ‘Uncle’ reminded me that it is my personal bias that dictates the size of my problems. How easily we become blinkered by the privilege that is inherent our (read my) life.

You don’t need to know a soldier to put your troubles into perspective. All you need to do is to exercise your inherent compassion. How? Connect with other people on a real level. Get to know the difficulties another is facing – not to compare or even to ‘fix’ them but to empathise with them and witness the journey of another. Don’t restrict yourself only to connecting with people whose journey mirrors your own. Connect with older & younger people in your city and across the globe. This is the true value of online communities and how they enhance our lives.

Cast your net wide. Value diversity. Difference is like sunlight that shines on the facets of your life and makes them shine.

* This post first appeared on http://connect2mums.ning.com

Image credit Larryzou@

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Contentment

Monday, July 20th, 2009

Contentment is almost considered a dirty word. Contentment is viewed as akin to laziness, settling and giving up. It is seen as unambitious and weak. Its not.

Contentment is a mountain so steep and so treacherous that most never reach its summit. Do a quick Google search for the definition of the word and you will find:

  • A virtue to be actively cultivated in order to free the mind from the effects of pleasure and pain
  • Characterized by peace of mind
  • Neuro-physiological experience of satisfaction and being at ease in one’s situation

So next time you are feeling content, relax & savor the moment. Think about the situation you are in and commit it to memory – it contains the key to your peace of mind. And we all know peace of mind is far harder to achieve than fame, fortune, marriage and status.

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Saying ‘No’

Friday, July 17th, 2009

Hi. My name is Rachael and I am a people-pleaser.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. But alone it isn’t enough. People-pleasers need help. Ironically, people-pleasers offer it to others and never call in a favour. They only ask for help when they realise they need it to stop from disappointing someone else.

Magazines have realised that being a people-pleaser isn’t as fashionable as it was in the 50′s. They have enlightened us to the warning signs and written many an article on learning to delegate and say ‘No’.

For a people-pleaser learning to say ‘No’ is tremendously important. It breaks the cycle of overcommiting in order to please everybody and depleating all available energy reserves. Learning to delegate is the opposite side of the same coin and no less important – it is the people pleaser learning to accept assistance.

For me there is a thrid skill that completely revolutionises the life of a people-pleaser. Let me explain. People pleasers like to please others. Yes sometimes this stems from deep insecurities, fear of rejection etc but often it is also the deep desire to serve. Service is one of my 5 guiding values in life, and I can honestly say that if I am not contributing to, supporting and serving my partner, child, family, friends, colleagues and community I feel dissatisfied.

The third revolutionary step then is the art of knowing why you want to say ‘Yes’. Here are some potential reasons you may want to say ‘Yes’ to a request, when all the magazine articles are telling you to say ‘No”:

  • You want to be liked/seen as good/considered helpful etc
  • You feel an obligation to
  • You don’t know how to say ‘No’
  • You have already said ‘Yes’ and don’t want to change your mind
  • You want recognition
  • You will receive a benefit in return
  • You feel passionate about contributing
  • You are fulfilling a value or goal by saying ‘Yes’

When you are clear on why you want to say ‘Yes’ you are more able to make the best decision and make sure it works for you. For example if you take on a project for recognition make sure you point out that you expect your name on the cover or a written reference or a bullet point on your resume. If you are saying yes out of obligation, is the other person aware that you would expect them to return the favour if the tables were turned? If you are saying ‘yes’ because you feel compelled to contribute – is this the very best way for you to do so?

When I learned to be clear as to why I accepted projects, offered help and generally said ‘Yes’ I found myself being more selective, more clear as to what my contribution would be, asking for benefits in return. In general understanding my needs in the situation helped me to honour myself more. The funny thing is that now that I can say ‘No’ and I am clear on why I say ‘Yes’ I have taken on more without the dissatisfaction and exhaustion of a people-pleaser. Oh, and yes, I am pleasing more people.

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Posted in Balance, Grace, Life, Personal Development, Relationships | 2 Comments »

Fascinating

Wednesday, July 15th, 2009

Capable of arousing and holding attention.

Capturing interest as if by a spell – bewitching.

I don’t know a woman who wouldn’t love to be considered a ‘fascinating woman’. The art of captivating others is more than a charming skill; it is a quality of spirit. There is no higher compliment, no greater task than to be so authentically you in all your intricacies that others feel compelled to watch, to be near you, to learn what it is that makes you tick.

The catch 22 is that if you are concerned with charming others, being the life of the party, being liked, being admired & being interesting then you are probably not being authentic. You may however come across as 2 dimensional, a try hard and particularly non-fascinating.

A truly fascinating woman is happy to follow her desires. She speaks her mind. She expresses her authentic emotions. She is high maintenance. She is unapologetically herself. She is not consistent. She doesn’t pander to popular opinion. She goes with the flow, but not necessarily the flow of the masses. She is unafraid of upsetting others, but she is not intentionally inflammatory.

The trick is that most of us modern women lack some of the foundational keystones to being a fascination woman; being self assured and the ability to flow with our feminine nature.

I know I am not the only one guilty of listening to a band, or reading a book (or even pretending we have) because it is so very chic’. So many women dutifully trawl the magazine pages to construct their wardrobes. Forgetting that, dressing to suit their personalities and shapes, the style icons didn’t follow trends – they started them. We adopt a seriousness designed for the workplace and allow it to permeate other areas of our lives and end up allowing that very seriousness to extinguish our playfulness. In the end we look like we stepped from a magazine spread, drinking cosmos in a tight little huddle as we compare, contrast and analyse the men in the bar as opposed to chatting to them.

A fascinating woman is mysterious, but not unattainable. She is open and warm. She radiates a vibe that draws others to her; it is possible effortless to talk to her. Fascinating women are interested in others and are great conversationalists because they don’t give everything away.

Fascinating is the reason I think we have the best night when it is not planned and that we tend to attract a man when we aren’t looking for one. When we are happy being ourselves with reckless abandon, when we aren’t worried about what others think of us & when we aren’t trying to change the situation we are fascinating.

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Posted in Body Image, Femininity, Grace, Life, Personal Development, Relationships, Womanhood | No Comments »

Care Less

Sunday, July 12th, 2009

The person in the relationship who cares the least controls the relationship. Seems unfair, doesn’t it, but I have never seen this truth disproven. But I still don’t recommend you use the ‘care less’ tact as a means of manipulating relationships in your favour.

Being aware of this power dynamic doesn’t actually help you either, if you are the one who cares the most. It won’t change the fact that at times your situation, your emotions and indeed your sanity will seem to be at the whim of the other. Knowing this power dynamic is at play only helps you to clarify your options and inform your emotions.

Being the person who cares the most doesn’t suck quite as much as it may seem. Yes, you are, to some extent, reactive to the decisions, actions and emotions of the other. No, you may not easily guide the relationship in the direction of your choosing or, indeed, to your desired outcome. Yes, you stand to hurt more because you are more invested in the relationship. But to quote Pink “I wouldn’t change the pain for what I’ve learned”.

As the person most invested in the relationship you stand to gain more. Not necessarily in the form of love from the other, or recognition from outsiders, but in personal growth. Faced with a loved one who is less caring, considerate and mindful of your wellbeing than you are of theirs is difficult. There are no two ways about it; you are bound to experience disappointment (at the very least) and personal growth.

What I know for sure: At the end of your life you will not regret having loved deeply. But you may regret the walls you erected to love and the love you withheld.


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True Family

Sunday, July 5th, 2009

My family is the centre of my life, but I don’t consider a’ nuclear family’ as my family. Don’t get me wrong – its a great starting point – it’s just not my definition of family. Family to me is far more fluid and subjective than DNA or marital status.

As I blogged recently is was my son’s first birthday at the end of June. In the end the day was a roaring success, mostly despite my planning. It was the people and the love that made the day so special.

On the day I found myself sitting alone  in the beautifully decorated living room (while the guests peopled the kitchen and yard – neither of which were decorated) meditating on my son’s experience. To him everybody there was ‘family’. He doesn’t discern between ‘blood’ aunts & uncles and my closest friends. To him every baby-boomer in the room was his grandparent. He doesn’t rank his affections based on whether the person is a member of his immediate or extended family and he doesn’t discriminate against friends.

Family are simply the people who love him. He favours those who support and serve him most. Those who wipe away his tears, change his nappy and provide lunch get the most cuddles.

Family is not a birth right nor should it be an obligation. Family is not just genes ans has nothing to do with geography. Family is a term used to describe a connection. A connection that compels us to consider the other’s needs, to support them in their joy and pain and to want to bear witness to their journey.

The litmus test: if someones presence in your home feels relaxed, effortless, comfortable then they are, by my definition, family.

My Birthday Lesson: The fancier you make the cake and decorations the higher the bar you have set to surpass next year =)

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Unconditional Love

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009

I have really been struggling to post recently and there are 2 reasons for this. I momentarily considered only offering one of the reasons but my internal ‘integrity-o-meter’ went off. So as opposed to telling you the truth, I’ll spill the whole truth.

First, there has been a lot going on in my life. I have had house guests, visiting relatives, my sons first birthday and a few crises going on in my friends’ lives. I don’t write about my loved ones for obvious reasons, so the lessons to be learned there aren’t blog-appropriate. Secondly, I am coaching myself through a personal lesson at the moment and am identifying more with the issue than I am with the solution. As a coach I have the urge to always be on top of things. Its ironic because my clients value my humanity and the way I deal with adversity far more than they do a one dimensional person who seems perpetually perfect.

The issue is that I am taking others actions personally. As a coach I know for sure that those around me act based on their own beliefs and agendas, and for the most part they mean no harm. I know that no-body does anything that they think is a bad option at the time and I know others decisions are about them and not me. The human in me is seeing things differently.

Emotionally I am feeling let down, betrayed, not valued, hurt, abandoned, judged and angry. I am feeling the full gamut of so-called ‘negative’ emotions. I want to tantrum and cry. I long to be heard and for the others to just see the light and change. The others are oblivious. They are doing the best that they know how with the resources and information available to them. If I were to confront the issue head on (as I have in the past) it would result in unnecessary angst, tension and perhaps a grudge.

So the graceful path forward is for me to do the personal growth work necessary to be truely ‘ok’ with the situation. Its a little known secret that you can revolutionise a situation purely by working on your internal judgements, reactions and beliefs about it. This is my task. This is my issue, not theirs. My emotions are telling me that the way I am participating in this situation isn’t healthy, helpful or graceful. Having ruled out taking external action, to avoid the more toxic situation of becoming bitter, my only option  is to learn to let go of whatever is stopping me from loving the situation and the people in it. Yep, you guessed it – working towards unconditional love.

Unconditional love isn’t something that Princes give to Princesses that they rescue from towers. Unconditional love isn’t something that a mother is gifted upon the birth of her child. A wedding ring may represent unconditional love but no object is powerful enough to contain it. Unconditional love is hard work. It is a process. It is about seeing things as they are, not as you would like to paint them. Its about choosing in each and every moment that nothing is more important than love.

Its a far more romantic in thought than practice. Nothing is more important than love. (Indeed nothing other than love exists, but thats a post for another day). It means that pride, being right, being praised, getting your way, personal gain, the upper hand, being heard & winning are all trumped by you loving yourself and the other regardless of the situation you find yourself in. Unconditional love doesn’t mean you become a door mat, but it means that you choose the loving option. You give the benefit of the doubt. You speak loving words, even if those words are ‘No’. You take loving action, even if that means you don’t get your way. You do what you need to do to fully embrace the situation as an opportunity to let go of obstacles to love.

The lesson for me in the ‘mess’ I have created for myself: Everything is an opportunity to love more. We are measured by the things we have learnt to love, not by arguments won. It is not important what emotion or story or hurt another person has bought me – what is important is that I chose to love whatever it is.

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