Memories

Have you ever noticed that the events that, by far, should be the happiest and most memorable usually aren’t? The nights out on the town that are planned and hyped up, flop. The weddings where the bride has merticulously planned every detail are remembered for the mismatched napkin rings and the bumbling priest instead of the joy. The special dates are overshadowed by fish and chips by the beach. The nights in swanky hotels and not as fun as crashing on the floor of a friends apartment.

Despite the many couples getaways I have had in swanky hotels my most memorable night with my partner was sleeping on the floor eating pizza the night we got the keys to our first apartment together. I looked forward to my Debutant ball for months (the equivelant to a senior prom) imagining it as a magical night with friends, family and my boyfriend. It was a huge disappointment; The dress didnt fit right, my hair was wrong, my boyfriend was a jerk (and spent most of his time with my ex!), the afterparty was a non event and the best part was McDonalds at Circular Quay afterwards. By contrast a ball that I spontaneously bought a table at and invited my friends to was magic, memorable and so much fun.

My baby turns 1 this week and I am terrified. I have been planning his First Birthday Party in my head for months. I have ordered lollies and decorations, I am making 3 different kinds of desserts, we have bought him a cute outfit, organised friends to play live music, invited our near and dear, written out a menu, we pick up helium balloons on Friday and I am getting my hair done so I look decent in photos that will be on display for the next 20 years at least. We are making a time capsule for him and a DVD of his life so far. And I am terrified.

I am scared that I have forgotten something, that the cakes don’t turn out, that the decorations don’t arrive, that the guests don’t get along, that the baby gets overwhelmed, that I am a bad hostess, that guests get lost on their way, that everybody buys him the same gift,  that he gets sick or has a bump on his head for the photos. But mostly I am scared that everything will go to plan and that the joy of the day will be overshadowed by showy cakes, balloons and presents.

Lesson: The best memories are made of substance; love, joy, connection, friendship, laughter, peace. We remember feelings not decorations, price tags or menus.

Catalyst

The fog lifts. The tide turns. The sun breaks through the clouds. The penny drops. The silence breaks. Such is the power of a catalyst.

Girlfriends are the most reliable and treasured of catalysts. ‘Girl Time’ as one friend aptly calls it, is an absolutely necessary ingredient in a successful life.

My girlfriends are my lifeline. I have written about that before. I know I am blessed to have amazing women surrounding me. I hope you are too. But they are more than friends. They catalyse the very best in me. My girlfriends have been showing me the light for over 10 years now. They have helped pull me from the depths of the abyss,  rescued me from loser boyfriends & encouraged me to ditch toxic jobs. They remind me of my compassion, humour and value. They normalise my neurosis and take the stress from my experience.

For the most part friends impart their value without too much effort; their existence alone is enough. Similar to the way that some chemical reactions simply take place in the presence of oxygen. The depth and colour they add to my life cannot be overvalued. Suddenly laughter shatters the tension and soon our cheeks and bellies ache from laughter that makes us snort. A seemingly normal coffee with a gal-pal and I fiind my apathy is replaced with a bounce in my step. Sharing secrets about your inner life with a trusted friend is cathartic, realising they share similar experiences is priceless.

But its not all rainbows and lollipops. In my relationships with girlfriends past and present we have together survived; eating disorders, depression, cheating and being cheated on, pregnancy, abortion, child rearing, robbery, moving interstate, abuse, sexual assault, losing loved ones, heartbreak, car accidents, buying property, divorce, illness and more.

A blog I read posed a question yesterday “what is your greatest accomplishment?” I mulled over it overnight, not sure what it was for me. Motherhood? Surviving personal tragedy? A healthy relationship with my partner? It wasn’t until this afternoon that it dawned on me. The fog lifted; my greatest accomplishment is my family. The family I have created with my partner and with my friends. The family I would stand by in thick or thin, that is my top priority and the defining factor in my life.

*Image credit Gwennypics

Love

In my experience love grows, develops, matures, accepts, embraces & believes. It can blindside you, overwhelm you, surprise you, change you. Love doesn’t judge, blame, hate, attack, defend, suspect, exclude or fear. Love is pure.

We so often mistake our cultural images of a couple ‘in love’ for Love itself. We confuse ourselves believing we can judge and attempt to change the one we love. We expect love and loving behaviour to look a certain way. Some of us even believe old cliches like ‘love is a battlefield’, ‘love is blind’ & love hurts’. Well, it isn’t and it doesn’t.

I don’t know about you but the moments of my life that throb and buzz with real authentic love were certainly not Hollywood glamour image usually recognised as ‘Love’. In my experience love is gritty, uncomfortable, blissful, exhausting, exciting, risky, outrageous, orgasmic and beautiful all at once. I have never managed a moment of real love without tears, sweat or messy hair – but then again maybe I’m doing it wrong.

My moments of real love:

1. Crying in the foetal position, as the realisation dawned on me that only I can take care of me
2. Naked under the sheets and realising that for the first time I had ‘made love’ as opposed to just having sex
3. Getting engaged under a lighthouse, on a cliff, in gale force winds
4. Sweaty and exhausted as I breastfed my baby for the first time (minutes after birth)
5. Unconfortable conversations kicking my partner’s butt for not prioritising his needs
6. Witnessing a girlfriend’s pain, really being there, without dismissing it or trying to cheer her up
7. Handing in my letter of resignation, to follow my heart interstate

Love just is. Love is effortless. Love feels good. Love heals old wounds. Love should never be a currency. Love is not a bargaining chip. Love doesn’t take work. Relationships do.

Relationships take work. Keeping the lines of communication open, being honest  & vulnerable takes work. Creating space in your relationship for love to flow, unimpeded, isn’t easy. But it’s worth it. Love is the easy part. Relationship. the art of sharing love, is a skill.

*Photo credit Agent FareEvader

People pleasing

I like to know that I am exceeding expectations and adding value. I feel good when I know I am doing an outstanding job. I am fulfilled and elated when my efforts positively affect those around me.

In an effort to achieve that I am a dot the ‘I’s crosss the ‘T’s kinda girl. I like to know (preferably beyond a shadow of a doubt) that all possible outcomes can be dealt with. I feel most comfortable when I have assessed need, planned adequately, mitigated risks, sourced logistics and trial run before the big event. Even if that big event is only a first birthday.

The roadblock to my personal bliss is a two-headed monster:

1. There are not enough hours in a day to be an outstanding mother, wife, friend, coach, sister, daughter, writer, teacher, community member, confidant, volunteer, spiritual seeker, student, cook, administrator and organiser.
2. People are fickle. What exceeds expectations today is tomorrow’s disappointment. Today’s effort may be overshadowed by  a crisis or celebration. It is impossible to please all the people all the time.

An attempt to enact my inbuilt inclination to excellence and people pleasing would only ever be a recipe for tears, Prozac and neurosis. So instead I compromised; I pick the events and roles to unleash to obsessive over-achiever in me and with all else I chill out. I’ll tell you a little secret; the areas of my life I have learnt to let go of are the ones I enjoy the most. Excellence come more easily when it comes from the heart and not the head.

My past

Today I walked past my past and it didn’t recognise me. My past had long beautifully straightened hair, wore a business suit and sported a gorgeous leather briefcase. My past is still close to the friends of my youth, has the job I thought I wanted and the man of her dreams. My past is blissfully happy without me.

Have you ever had a ‘Sliding Doors’ moment where it is clear that without even knowing it you had taken a fork in the road? Have you ever wondered what life might have been like, if you had made different decisions?

The truth is that your decisions shaped who you are and who you are shaped your decisions. Had you chosen the other fork you may have been more, or less, happy than you are now. But you wouldn’t be you. Not the you you are today, anyway. You made the best decisions you could with the information and resources available and in the process you created your life.

My past looks like I had expected it to look, it is exactly where I had imagined it would be. I, on the other hand, am very far from where I thought I would be and I am a very different person to the one I thought I would grow up to be. I am glad I took another road to the one my 17 year old self had selected for me. My new road has shaped me.

I walked past my past today, but it didn’t recognise me.

The power of positivity

It is passé these days to speak of the difference a positive attitude will make to the outcome of any endeavor. It is almost a truism. Everybody knows the difference positivity will make, yet it is the first casualty when things get tough. Perhaps this is why I found Mel Hayde’s message in ‘Terrific Toddlers’ so refreshing.

‘Terrific Toddlers’ is a simple, practical book about a revolutionary concept; that we can teach our toddlers values like kindness, respect, gentleness, patience & compassion. And the assertion that compassionate, gentle, patient toddlers throw less tantrums.

Mel, who has used the philosophies and techniques of ‘Terrific Toddlers’ to raise her own 3 children, offers real-world mum friendly advice. The book is concise (I was able to read it cover to cover whilst my toddler had his afternoon nap) but contains no fluff.

The take away for me was a reminder that my actions are a greater teacher than my words. That my tone, body language and reactions mean as much as my words do. That calm words won’t mask inner frustration and that there is a better way.

This review was completed in conjunction with Connect2Mums, my online family where mums, mumpreneurs and inspirational women meet.

The Dice are Loaded

“Everybody knows the dice are loaded, everybody rolls with their fingers crossed; everybody knows the war is over, everybody knows the good guys lost”
–Leonard Cohen

I have been musing recently on the uneven way fate seems to have dealt her cards. Don’t get me wrong; I am a big believer in the power of the human spirit and its ability to triumph in the face of adversity. I subscribe to Sir Winston Churchill’s famous quote “The kite flies highest against the wind.”

But there is always a second side to the coin. The flipside to the power of the human spirit is a heartbreaking lesson. The learning of which, I think, marks real maturity. Sometimes the dice are loaded. Sometimes the good guys loose. Sometimes your hands are tied. Sometimes the outcome is unfair, unjust, uncalled for, unpleasant and sometimes there is nothing you can do to change it.

I am watching 3 such situations unfold in my life and the lives of my near and dear at the moment. The wisdom I glean from the experience is; when you can’t change the facts you can change your mind. In that simple, but not easy, change of perception there is more courage, more grace and more beauty than in a whole life lived unchallenged.

Family

I don’t write about family. Not because there is nothing to write about, but out of respect. My largest lessons to date were borne out of familial situations. Now I find myself in, what I consider to be, a generic family quandary. So I think its passable to write about it.

I was a bit of a rebel growing up. I quite enjoyed rocking the boat and had an opinion about everything. Like every teenager in the history of the universe I felt that I could never live up to the picture of me my family held in their minds. It was far too narrow a box to contain my exuberant spirit. Or so I thought.

In reality the box was not narrow at all. I was simply the family member least aware of how my actions affected my kin and the family dynamic. My oblivious state made their (reasonable) expectations seem soul crushing.

Now the shoe is on the other foot. I am painfully aware of how every-body’s actions (or inaction) affects the other family members, individually and collectively. Including my own.

My Challenge: To have compassion for the spirited individual whilst championing and serving the collective.